my H is very self absorbed actually. Sure he is sex starved.... but *I* also want passion. I dont consider myself LD. I dont consider myself HD either, he has hurt me so much that sex for me was not sharing. It was always me having to prove how much I loved him. It sucks like that. I want passion too, I want him to hug me out of the blue, not just when he is horny. I want to make love,,,, not for it to be a run to the finish. I am tired of being told he is fed up with me and my lack of creativity. All I feel then ,
is that only my P****Y matters,
that is all I hear.
I want to be shown that I am loved for others things besides my sex. I dunno.... Yes that is how he communicates. So when I try to speak his language, he is focusing on my pronunciation instead of enjoying that I am trying to speak this new language. I dunnno ..
This will be the last year I stick my neck out. If I get nothing back? I will have to make a choice. Not b/c i dont love him but b/c I do.
I called him a bit ago and stuck my neck out. I was out of my comfort zone. I was being sexy and naughty and then ????
He, ts-k ts-k me!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE IT LIKE THIS AND SAID THIS....
I can take criticism that is all he gives sometimes. He asks me to be more sexual and then he needs for it to be his way. My gift then turns out to be an annoyance. This is why I do not try,,,
It has taken me almost three years to know. I AM NOT A PROBLEM. I AM NOT GARBAGE. I AM NOT WORTHLESS. I AM NOT the reason for his unhappiness. He has to put forth some effort or even accept the gifts once in awhile. the gift cannot always be on his terms.
Even if I give him oral he will then say ... Yeah but I really didnt want you to or you should have done this too. And he does not say it in a loving way , he says it with such ugliness.
I get no A for effort ever. I cant love him enough fo rhim to love himself. I see that very clearly now. I love him and always will. I am beginning to love myself now too. Something I have threatened since I saved my M.
I am in a good place really. I will keep working against his Ebenezer demeanor. but~ I think even if I f^cked him silly every day and left him drooling? He would still be miserable?
I remember I started the 30 days of initiating and many here thought I was spoiling him? For him it was all BS~
UGH!~!~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vent over.... I still feel fine and yet I know that I need to do more "work " on me.
The pain that you feel when this happens is so, so justified.
How do you react to him when he gives you the ugly feedback? I don't doubt there is much hurt in the moment, so perhaps it is fueled by that? I wonder if he just sees the same reaction each time, and finds it easy to brush off your feelings.
He surely needs to recognize the gift that you are to him. And that each and every step you take toward pleasing him in the way that he wants is a great gift. Does he feel this way?
He surely needs to recognize the gift that you are to him. And that each and every step you take toward pleasing him in the way that he wants is a great gift. Does he feel this way?
No, I am not him but the answer would seem to be no. he says he never should have had to tell me, I should just know. So when I then do something he just is rolling his eyes basically. He has so much self hatred that he cannot feel me at all.
You sound so lonely in what you wrote. I know there is nothing you can do to make him feel you or hear you. But, hopefully your good energy will overpower him eventually, and he will choose to open his eyes and his heart.
Stay open, Ali! His reactions may wound you for a time, but they won't destroy the wonderful you.
You sound so lonely in what you wrote. I know there is nothing you can do to make him feel you or hear you. But, hopefully your good energy will overpower him eventually, and he will choose to open his eyes and his heart.
Stay open, Ali! His reactions may wound you for a time, but they won't destroy the wonderful you.
Lucky
Hmm? Thanks for the lonely part. Yeah, I guess I am and, I didn't think too much about it ? WOW~ I feel content but lonely in the thought that I cannot love him enough to make him happy. B/c that is true. I will no longer put that weight on my shoulders. That is somehow I am special enough or "do "him enough with the right shoes on ? POOF~ Milagro ~ Happy hubby.
Quote:
Stay open, Ali! His reactions may wound you for a time, but they won't destroy the wonderful you.
God bless you for this "revelation". I do close up shop when he wounds me... WOW~ have done it for years and then say I am open. I am "working " on this too.
Ali, I am trying so hard to help my W understand that I want for ML to be intimate and something that we share to bring us closer. She still views it as a purely physical act and maybe for some reason simply can't open her heart to me.
I wish I could find the peace and strength within myself to just accept the love that she can give as you have with your H. This may be the strongest act of love there is, to just love unconditionally as you do. It makes your spirit very beautiful and gracious.
Don't be gone for so long Ali. You have the ability to inspire so many people here... and that of course includes me.
Yes I have read it. I have also read STOSNY You dont have to take it anymore How to improve your Marriage w/o talking about it. I have also been doing " the Work " with BYRON Katie and the Audio book. I need your love is that true?
You have posted to me in the past OT I dunno if you remember. I have been working hard and in my ignorance I have learned many things and yet?
To be honest ?
Nothing is " working " and I hate even using that word? I am doing my best and he is just stuck on anger and self righteousness. Maybe I am too? i dont even knwo anymore.
I do nothing for him and I am the cause of his pain and I have never ever made him feel loved. he says this all the time. And threatens to leave me every 3 months and now it has been every 3 weeks after a period where we got along just awesome. This is why he left and had OW and the Famous tattoo of her name w/ in 3 weeks.
I was just feeling like a loser a month ago. I am not.. I know this to be true. But still , nothing seems to work and hwen it does he pushes me away. he is very verbally abusive. Very stubborn.. he has good points trust me , I have faults so does he but I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. You can read more in detail at EDITED - ADVERTISING is NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here. It has kept me sane and open to what I could do. I hope to grow up one day and be as wise as you love. I am wise but I let my heart get in the way!~!~
Is he drinking, or still sober? Do you two go to church? Do you two have any kind of activity that you do together, just the two of you? Has he read any of the books? Will he? When is it harmonious? What are you two doing when you are both enjoying the time with each other?
he has been drinking again and now he has been sober for a week? and he has been unbearable. Do you two go to church? No < I am very religious and he is not.
Do you two have any kind of activity that you do together, just the two of you? no, I invite him to try things and he always says no, he hates to ride bikes, I love it , he hates most anyhting excpet oh he does like for us to go to movies.
Has he read any of the books? no he thinks it is all BS Will he? NO IT IS MY FAULT HE ISNT THE ONE WHO NEEDS CHANGING< his exact words, When is it harmonious? What are you two doing when you are both enjoying the time with each other? We are peers and he listens to me and I listen and I am loving and open not walking around like a wounded animal and flinching anytime he gets ugly.
Just in November and early DEc we were getting along so well I thought I was dreaming. WE had made it he even mentioned having another baby ? OUR youngest is 9 and I have had a tubal, he even asked me to look into tubal reversal.
Then when I picked him up at the airport, he was dying to see me ( after working away out of town for 3 weeks) I LET HIM DOWN. I was frigid and didnt do anything. He believed me and i lied. he exepted me to fondle him a bit in the lobby on the way out to the Car and get all horny nuaghty and take of my tights and stiletto boots and show him the godds or something like this. And when I didnt I was just as frigid as I have always been. And here I didnt know I was being tested. I was really going to ravage him later, and when I stated this he says oh so it is just whenver the [censored] you feel like it Ali? HUH?
I then start crying cause he , strike that I allow his comments to hurt me and I cry. Then come sthe shut down...
I am being very hnest here. And to be even more honest he just told me over the phone a bit ago he is thru with me , he has said this 3 X this weeks but this time he said he meant it and to never call again.
Sorry Lucky,, I am ok but here you are helping me and I was supposed to be helping you. Sure I see the pain I cause by shutting down but he cuts me off at the pass half the time. he never gives me a chance. I dunno love, I dunno.... I truly have given him the best of me and it really seems to not be enough. ?
