So the man sleeping on my couch right now is only here for the money? Ouch....
I sent H a text at 4:00, a couple hours after he sent me the random snow globe text. I just reminded him that I was taking S to karate tonight in the city, and said I planned to take the kids to dinner afterward.
He texted later and wanted to know exactly what time/where karate practice was. H goes with us to karate on Sundays in our little town, but hasn't been to Thurs. practice before in Omaha. I called, told him the time/place, he said no way he could do 5:15. I said, I didn't think you could, was just letting you know. I told him that there were other classes to choose from if he was interested in coming to watch in the future.
He proceeded to get on the karate school website while I was on the phone with him and find a Tuesday class that didn't start until 6...
Then he texted no fewer than 5 times during the 30 minute class, what were we going to eat? What restaurant where? When? He decided to join us for dinner, met us at the restaurant, we had a very nice conversation, good time with the kids, etc.
He came home and I put the kids to bed, he watched 30 Rock with me and then fell asleep on the couch.
I was pleased with his increased interest in the kids the past week, but now I am concerned, given your comments on the financial side, that maybe he is just getting ready to go for equal custody.......
Let me begin by saying that I am very sorry for what you are going through. You are one heck of a strong woman.....
I have just caught up since I have not had access to the internet this week...I have to agree with Mike...if a guy does not react to your advances as you desribed them, he has major issues! I also see Kerry's point after Dan's 50% statement....however, I am not sure that he is sticking around because of that. My hypothesis is that the WAS returning who then wants out does not have the guts to drop another bomb and waits for the LBS to quit....don't know if that makes sense.
Bottom line...I am starting to realize that I will undoubtedly be better off in the long run without W....I think you are in the same boat. We don't see it but i am sure if everyone on these boards would be honest they would tell us both to walk and don't look back. The only drawback is the hurt the kids feel...that I will NEVER forgive wife for regardless of it's effect on my health.
I don't think it's the money. I think he knows he will be labeled as the one who left. A quitter. Look at the guys toys, the young girlfriend... etc. He has a self esteem issue. He doesn't want anyone to think poorly of him.
When exactly to I get to be just plain pissed? Is there a "step" for that???
Because that is what I am.
I was sorting through about 100 insurance claim forms last night. I am the bill payer, always have been since we got married. Now that i work full time things have been slipping.
I try to be Organized Supermom, I have separate binders for each member of the family for medical bills and those claim forms the insurance company gives you to tell you what you actually owe off the ridiculously complicated hospital bills you get...
My kids average a dr. appointment every two weeks practically, esp. S6. And H has had some major medical issues the past 3 years in a row 1)Appendix surgery that landed him in hospital 5 days 2)Thyroid cyst big as a golf ball that required surgery and slitting practically his entire throat 3)The heart-attack scare where he had to go back for stress tests, ekgs, etc
Then there's me, with my MRSA super-bug staff infections 3 times in past year, then that little problem with milk production that got me sent to cancer doctors and then brain tumor doctors and then endocrinologists....
OK long rant, I know. I am just saying we literally get hundreds of medical bills a year, we should be counting it on our taxes!
SOOOOOO
I am up at midnight while my "poor H" who "can't ever sleep" has been asleep on the couch since 9:30....I am getting pissed at him b/c he is the one who has said he wants out of this marriage, but he is sleeping in the next room while I sit up till all hours at the dining room table making sure all our bills our taken care of...
Not to mention he announced as he was falling asleep, "I still need to go to the farm to get some stuff out of my other truck, if I wait till morning I am sure I will oversleep and be late to work AGAIN"........negative attitude, anyone? But of course he was sleeping away, so he can be frustrated again in the morning...
So as I am fuming I find two things mixed in with the bills:
1)My grandmother's funeral program 2)A valentine's card from H
I think when we moved from the old house these were laying in a drawer and I just threw them in with the files so they didn't get lost....(see it has been awhile since I filed medical bills!I pay them, just don't file the 'stubs'...)
So first thought is, in December 2006 I was at H's side the entire time when his grandma died, I went to everything with him, and supported him while he cried, etc...By the time my grandma died 5 months later, May 07, he had just bought his secret phone two weeks before and started sleeping with HER 3 weeks before.......how is that possible? It pisses me off to think how I comforted him at his loss but during mine, he was carrying around his girlfriend phone...WTF
Then I see the V-Day card, from when [censored] was an infant, just before the affair started. He wrote "Even though things get hectic and days race by so fast...I want you to know that being with you and our young family is all I ask in life! I Love You very much and will you be my Valentine? Love ya, Dan"
How can being with your family be all you ask in life and then you turn around and say it is making you miserable?
I just want to box up all his sh!t today while I am home with sick D and tell him to call me when he isn't an ass.....but we have kids so I can't do that.
Can I at least punch him or something?
I was very pleased last night that we had a nice dinner together with the kids, but now I just feel like he is getting everything he wants, even if he says he is miserable. He gets to have all the time in the world with the kids when he wants to (but I would never keep the kids from him anyway), he gets to see me for however long he feels like, he gets to keep up the appearance of being a family man, then he gets to go curl up in a ball on the couch when no one else but me can see him and say he can't do this anymore......
So the man sleeping on my couch right now is only here for the money? Ouch....
well Dan has let it be known that he has attempted to buy things to make him happy...still...all men love their things and don't want to lose those things..
Quote:
I was pleased with his increased interest in the kids the past week, but now I am concerned, given your comments on the financial side, that maybe he is just getting ready to go for equal custody.......
and BBJ...I really don't know what kind of daddy he is but will say that a chitty husband can still be a good daddy..I'm sure that custody issues have rolled around in his head with all those other "rocks" up there.
And I can't even kick his sorry ass out b/c I am afraid of traumatizing my children...
Sorry for ranting, but I need to let this out and with Sydney home from daycare I can't go run it off at the Y....
The other thing pushing my buttons right now IS the holidays. B/C Dan hasn't told anyone in his family that he has changed his mind about us, again.....they just know he decided to move back and try again in July, and they know we went to the marriage/Retro classes so I am sure they think we are growing together again...
So H's mom called last night to ask me what our Thanksgiving plans were, which days we were spending with them vs. my parents, etc. And she asked about plans for Christmas too. I just did the "smile and wave", acted like everything sounded just great!!!
But I imagine H will bail on all my family stuff since he will feel guilty going when he wants a D....I would still like to go to his stuff b/c his family has become my family, I actually was friends and locker partners with his sister before we ever started dating in high school, I love my nieces on his side of the family as much as my own sis's kids...yet I don't want to go and play happy family if we aren't, I am SOOOO tired of pretending.
At one point I thought playing happy family was good. If we can build up a bunch of positive memories in H's memory bank of good times with us, then when he is gone and tries to make it all seem bad he will have to see the good. Now I feel like it is just cake-eating to the millionth degree...
Any advice for how to pick a path and stick to it??? I can't seem to do that..........One minute I am furious and want to scratch his eyes out, play hard-ball, let him FEEL the consequences of his choices.
The next I want to be very distant, detached, b/c he says he has no idea what it will be like without me, and I want him to know what it will be like.
The next I want to stay friends and have fun when I am around him so he can see the 'real' me, plus it is good for the kids for us to be friendly with each other.
well Dan has let it be known that he has attempted to buy things to make him happy...still...all men love their things and don't want to lose those things..
and BBJ...I really don't know what kind of daddy he is but will say that a chitty husband can still be a good daddy..I'm sure that custody issues have rolled around in his head with all those other "rocks" up there.
Mike,
That is the thing that confuses me. If he can admit to me that he has tried buying things to make himself happy and it didn't work, then why stay for the money?
And I know he is/can be a great daddy no matter how he has hurt me. It is hard to reconcile the great daddy with the fact that he is becoming a terrible example of a husband for my son and daughter, but it the strictly 'daddy' role, he is awesome.
I guess I just don't want to feel that right now any nice things I see from H are just manipulations of me to get what he wants...
BBJ...JMO..I think you need to take care of you and the kids..The holidays..do what you want to do for you and the kids and don't worry about what he is doing..
Dan is either gonna quit, or do more of the same until you quit..it's pretty simple..
these WAS's are cowards..some are too afraid to fight and some are too afraid to leave and want the LBS to make the decision for them. I know it sucks being in Limbo...I lived it for months, seeing little signs that things were better when in reality they were just more of the same..
only YOU know when you are done..
and of course Dan has not told anyone..it's all par for the course..Kim went to 'family" stuff on my side of the family in order to keep that connection but did not want me to attend any of her families things...
I still think your frinkin awesome BBJ..hang in there.
