Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Probably should be in Piecing, but Going to Stay

Hey all....I started a thread in Newcomers and was told to find smartcookie, breakaway and whatdidido for advice and I see a couple here...so here was my post in Newcomers.

Not sure what thread to post to, yet. Have not read the book yet since I'm on the side of thinking that I should walk away.

I'M the one not in love anymore, I'M the one who wants it over.

We've been married 14 years. No affairs for either one of us. He was pretty much an absent (at least emotionally) father for the first 10 years. About 2 years ago, he decided to basically start smothering me to try to make our marriage better. The 10 absent years, I learned to function on my own and became very independent. Since the smothering began, we have fought non-stop. He has accused me of having an affair because he can't understand that my feelings for him have gone away. In his eyes that means they must be on someone else. Not true. In all of our fighting, I have come to the conclusion that true love is extremely rare. Marriage is entered into too lightly. I want no part of it, it has shoved me halfway out the door.

Last year we went to marriage counseling for about 4 months and he quit because he felt he was being attacked. (basically because our therapist agreed with me alot)

We have become two different people. I am on a major quest to self-improvement (physically and spiritually). He has become a thorn in my side. I dread when he's around. I am so uncomfortable when he's home. Our kids have been exposed to way too much drama. There is so much to my story, I at least need help in finding the correct thread or person to talk to.

I echo that. Whatdidido's posts and threads will really be great for you to read if you have time. Well, my personal opinion (sorry for the hijack wdid!) which you can take or leave is that it sounds like you are still undecided. You must have at least a tiny bit of you wanting to give the marriage one more chance or you wouldn't be posting here.

Please try reading Divorce Remedy. What does it hurt to spend a couple days doing that before you file for D? Divorce is expensive and is not the perfect happy solution in any case I don't think.

I think you could also try to commit to getting MC again. I do think that both people should like or click with the therapist or it won't work well. My H and I went to an MC I hated, kind of military tough-guy therapist, and he kept going there for a little while for IC I think. I found a more sweet, motherly type IC which was perfect for me. Maybe you can find a therapist somewhat in the middle that you both like? I think liking and trusting your therapist is very important or it won't help.

I first of all believe that no marriage is ever 100% one person's fault. If you leave this M, you may get in another R and have the same kind of problems. I think that happens a lot. So no therapist should suggest a M is just one person's fault. When my H and attended MC when he was in law school, she had me working on being more positive and my H on trying to be more family-centered (rather than self-centered). She had us both working on areas realizing that we both had our issues to work on and so H or I didn't feel picked on or ganged up on or anything.

If you read DR and get some MC with a counselor you both like, and that doesn't help, then if you file for D in a few months, at least you will have the peace of knowing you did everything for your M that you possibly could. Karen

Karen just gave you some good advice. I just checked your other thread and see that breakaway has found you. That's good! I will check in with you later. My son is getting off the bus as I type. Got to go! Be back later.

Didi,

Just stopped by to say hello.

Hugs, Yoyo

Thanks for the hello, yoyo. Hugs back to you.

Journaling:

I find myself praying all the time. Thanking God all the time. In the middle of doing something, I just stop and pray. This is not normal for me.

Last night I heard that my cousin was getting a divorce. Shock. Yet, no judgement on either side from me. Before all of my crap I would have been all over the gossip train trying to find out details, etc. Now, all I think is that I hope they reconcile. I hope they fight. I hope they figure it out. I talked to my husband about it. We hug tight and say we are so lucky, we were so close, it could have been us. It so easily could have been us.

His emails are so tender and caring. He knows me like no other man. His love is completely unconditional. He hurts for me when he sees me in pain. He reassures me when I express any kind of fear. He is not "mushy", not "wishy washy", not "soft". He is such a man. He has changed so much. He takes everything I say seriously now. If I say that I'm upset about something he did or said, he really listens and I see him making sure he doesn't do it again. I do things for him that I never did before even when I don't want to. I respect him. He is so strong.

I ask for forgiveness from him often. He gives me that gift every time. He says he forgives me from the bottom of his heart and soul. He asks for forgiveness as well, and I reassure him, too.

He and I are talking more now about things. Little chunks. Nothing too overwhelming at a time. We are both in such different mind sets than we were 6 months ago. Like different people really. For me, back then, I was wondering if I could be happy with my H when I was "in love" with OM. Now, I think wth was I thinking. The OM doesn't even compare.....I'm more happy now, than I could even think of being with the OM. I'm more happy with my H now than I was before my A, even the beginning of our relationship.

I don't know what God's plan is. No one does. But, I can't help but think that God's plan, as awful as it has been the past few years, has worked miracles on us. I am a different person. I see things so differently in my life. Without all that has happened I wouldn't have had the chance to see what was wrong in my life. My eyes were not seeing what they should have seen. He opened my eyes and my heart. He did this to my H as well.

I had an awful dream last night. Sparing the gory details, I dreamt that an intruder came in the house and killed my H and son. I woke up with this pain in my heart and sick to my stomach. I'm so afraid of losing them, and to think I was so close to letting them go.

Just wanted to say your posts are beautiful!!

You give me hope and show us the reason for staying and working on our own marriage. Thank you.

thank you for your words, too...I talked to others yesterday that gave me some insights on little things i could do to cut the tension and that was wonderful..But the most hopeful thing I found here, is hope that my situation is not doomed. I used to feel Soooo alone and really thought my H was going off the deep end. But not so, I'm not alone and there are a LOT of people hurting just like we are. Haven't read the book yet, but I definitely plan to.

WDID Your posts give me hope when I feel all is lost. I'm having a really hard time with things right now and think that maybe its just time to be done. Thanks for being your wonderful self. You and your H are lucky people to get such a beautiful 2nd chance.

Didi,

Your posts are beautiful. I am so happy that you have found what you were looking for in your marriage. That is not easy. It eludes so many people. But as I read your posts, it seems to me that you still have not forgiven yourself. That is an important step in moving on. You express regret and guilt over what you did. That is understandable. To really embrace your future, you need to let go of the past. That means forgiving yourself too.