Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice II

LD- You have grown from this and will continue to grow. You'll come out the other side a better man, a wiser man. It is still early in the game so keep on keeping on. Listen to your feelings and look at them objectively. Sometimes what we do in life really is a script and we don't see it. So much of what has happened in my life is a repeat of others in my life. Who I married and how I acted in the marriage as well as how my ExW acted being a function of her family interaction.

It is wonderful process if you are willing to partake. It is the positive side of all of this if you use the self discovery to grow.

There will be a net gain from this for a guy like yourself. You've got to break a few eggs to make an omelette.

Whether you know it or not you're helping me. It is a two way street.

I think so. With all the bad, i at least see the real good in me. the person i was wasn't so far away. Sorry I left, glad to be back. I know you are pro marriage, otherwise i wouldn't be talking to you so much. She was here tonight. I told my D i would be home at 6 and when I got here she was here. Ignored her, stayed very cool to her. Made dinner and went on with my projects. She vistied with my S, D, her brother, my D in law and my grandson. She definitely is getting lonely. You can see it. My kids acknowledged that she doesn't have anything and she knows they are always here. Kind of sad, but makes me feel good, I have everything she doesn't. funny thing was, didn't really know how much I had 3 months ago.

I do think long and hard about how long I will last, how much I can take, how long I will wait for her ride to end. Scary to think how far I have come in such a short time as Sandi and Amy have pointed out. I do wish everything worked on my clock, what a great thing that would be, but it doesn't. I am in sprint to get over my final hurdles and yet continue on the marathon for my R/M. I looked at her tonight. the wrinkles around her eyes and on her face. She is aging, this situation is not being kind to her. She looks around and sees the fun, the comrodery of my family with me. she sees the gathering. And she is not part of it. She asked my son and his family to visit her place and see the puppies across the way. My son told her mayb, but he won't. He told me he doesn't want to see "her" place. If it isn't here with me, then he won't acknowledge it. I am not going to defend her and her position. She talked to a friend of ours on the phone and has plans to go to a concert this weekend with OM, obviously. Oh well. Went about my business, never said goodbye to her, i think she said goodbye to me, but I am not sure. I feel stronger when I am most defiant to her. Thanks for keeping on with me. all of you. I need the support now. I have finished the first three rounds of this fight and believe I am ahead on points. Unfortunately this is a fight to the finish, I need to pace myself and not get over powering too early. I need to make it to the end. I need to see the final outcome. I need to know, with all my heart, that I gave it everything I had, there is no way I can lose unless I give up.

Oh Mr. Thrill--You deserve every single bit of joy and calm you are experiencing! Thanks for showing all of us that things do get better and we can feel alive again.

I wish you the best! thanks for the wisdom. We all need it.

Enjoy your relationship. It sounds wonderful!

best, karla

Hi Lonely--Glad you had a good weekend. I am going to be a bit hard on you....This isn't about revenge or points! Pull DB out again and read Michele's wise words. DBing isn't about being right; it is about changing WE do things to change the relationship dance. I know you hurt, we all do, but it isn't about winning...

hang in there. karla

No I understand it isn't about who's right or wrong or points. My analogy is simply that the hardest part of a fight is the first three rounds. You can determine, most times, the outcome by analyzing how the fight went in the first three rounds. My analogy is that I have taken it all on the chin and I am still standing.

i will be reading it again after re-reading my MLC and how to handle it book again. I am doing my strategy of being dark, almost comletely. she was over my house for quite a while last night. I was very cool to her. I am noticing thngs, small things that have me thinking hard, but I back off so I don't make more out of it. I want to see more consistency in her repsonse and actions towards my actions. I know now that she is feeling lonely. That is apparent to everyone in the past week. I am not doing anything for revenge or to prove a point. everything I am doing now is to make me more of what I want to be, which i believe will help if and when she comes back.

I do want her back badly. I am seeing signs, but i am not overreacting. I want to move back towards her and intiate some contact, but i need to give this hard line another week and a half anyway. I am not being a pr!@# or an SOB, I am simply re-enforcing my position as the LBS and the anger towrds her affair. I am simply not letting her get to me, I am not crumbling when I am with her, I am not acting like a lost puppy dog. She is watching me, this I know. She sees me going about my business, not being concerned with her presence. I have things that I need to accomplish each night and i do them. I do not sway, faulter or procrastinate. they get done! fore, when we were together, I would put everything off if there was a gathering of people and would sit and socialize. This was the bad habit I fell into. Now, I will sit and socialize as i am either waiting for something to finish or if my tasks are comlete. She sees this. If she talks to me or asks questions, I respond, nicely and succinctly. I do not dwell. These were things I did a few weeks ago.

My changes are very real. Who I am now is who I am. I stress over my bills getting paid, putting food on the table and trying to do things for myself. The latter always gets pushed off for everything else. As it was in the past. I look back to the past for several rasons, mostly to see who I was when the worldwas right and who I had become that had helped damage my marriage. I will not forget these two people that I was, they have helped me become me. I honestly believe when she takes the time to reflect on things, she will most likely view things in a different way, as I did. I have been told it is human nature to suppress bad things you have done and to lay blame elsewhere and on other things is easier than accepting your responsiblity. I could easily blame drinking for all our problems, but I wasn't being forced to drink. I don't believe my marriage was as bad as she claims. Based on my research and feedback and counseling, the issue is more of where she wants to be and who she wants to be are the main issues.

I am not analyzing her position as it is impossible to do so and hy kill myslef trying to resolve what i can not. I have accepted what I have done that may have caused issues in our R. She has not, she blames everything accept herself. I read somewhere that the longer she remains in limbo, the harder her fall will be. It was also intersting to read how many women, and men, don't come back simply due to remorse and overwhelming guilt. they felt that their spouses would not take them back or that they could ever resolve what transpired. In those instances, the majority of LBS said they would not have had any problem trying to get things on track.

Some of this is why I get scared going dark, I don't want to give her the impression she can't come back if she is ready. But then there is the whole, she won't come back to an emotional ass kisser either. I have been researching, listening, reading and looking at the reasons women go back to their lives, number one was that the spouse had to be much stronger and more in control than ever. They are tired of fighting all the battles (in their minds) and want to have someone take care of things and them. I will be brutually honest, I left all the bills , the house and those type of aggravations to her. I did neglect them. I put a lot on her, my dependency. I reflected on that. If she came back now, I might slip. that is why I need a little more time. Looking at a part time job to make some good side money. Once that is complete and my finances stabilize a little more, then my stress levels are even.

A friend of mine that went through this told me wanted out and asked her husband to leave because he just wasn't involved, not with the kids, finances, their mrriage, anyting. When he moved out and she saw him going out after a couple of months of sitting on his ass whining, taking care of his own finances, doing more with the kids, he got them every other weekend and started calling then 3 times a week faithfully to ak how they were doing, she realized that she wanted her marriage back. She saw what he had become and was very hard on herself that they never talked about these issues before they became the boiling point. I have a lot of similarities in my situation. I know everyone's sitch is different and no outcome is the same, but I look at what has worked for them, researched what has worked for everyone else that ended up with a positiv reconciliation, and communicating with Tgone as to what didn't work . these things are helpful, but again no guarantee. I understadn things more, see things differently and watch more intently.

Sorry to ramble on, but needed to let you know how entrenched I am in this situation. this is the fight of my life, I make no bones about it. I want her back, I don't need her back. that is the biggest difference. Until the OM is gone, she will have blinders on. She is feeling the financial crunch and the loneliness of her actions. She sees the interactions I have with my family and firends, interactions she doesn't have at my level. It is sad, but it is her consequences and she alone is responsibl for them (thanks Tgone). She will no doubt wake up from this. she has done nothing to better her position, she rtalks alot about what she needs todo, but even her friends let it go in one ear and out the other. Talk is cheap, action is bold. I read in DR that men don't resond to talk, they respond to action. I believe it goes true for women in this sitch as well. Would I have done these changes if my W and I had discussed it more openly, probably, but at a much slower rate if at all. Her actins catapaulted me to this. Would she come back if she heard about everyhting I am "going" to do or "want" to do? Probably not. She is seeing projects done around thehouse, she sees me changing she hears about me. these action are making her look harder. example; She asked about my water damaged ceiling Sunday night. this has been a huge pint of contention with her. There is a leak somewhre, thought I fixed it, I said it isn't leaking anymore, and she would argue. She hears about the ceiling getting fixed, she hears about how I had called the insurance company, she hears about the adjuster coming out and she hears about the plaster coming out and giving me a quote. Ceiling is still damaged. I explained once I have the check in hadn, the ceiling wll be fixed. Once the ceiling and wall are repaired, she will know it isn't talk. She is definitely looking for changes, positive changes in the house. She has seen my changes, but needs to see more. She commented to one of her friends, in front of my D, that her brother still lives there. This was also an issue with her wanting out. but she knows he pays rent and it helps with the bills. Once I get situated with a part time job, he will most likely move out. do I think that comment is being made becasue she is thinking of coming back and doesn't want him there? yes I do. But she was the one whoinvited him to stay. These things are little, baby step things, but they are adding up already. Hope your eyes aren't too sore after reading this. i love all my feedback, positive and ass kicking. It all helps in the end. thanks,

LD - You're putting alot of pressure on yourself. Perhaps too much. Much of my research on MLC backs the thinking that her actions in crisis aren't about the marriage,you or the relationship......it is about her! The positive changes you've made are great. Again, she needs to run through this journey and it will be at her own pace that she reaches the end of the tunnel, no matter what you do.

What I realized with my ExW was that any relationship talks pushed her farther away. Other people talking to her about the relationship pushed her away. That my efforts were for me and for positive changes and support IF she came back. AND she knows me. She knew I wouldn't cheat on her, leave her or shirk my responsibilities once she left. That gave her all she needed to continue on her journey. Continue she did. She is deep in MLC and I wouldn't expect to see any changes out of her in the next 18 months to 5 years if ever

No matter what happened in your marriage her actions were unjustified ( unless she was in danger physically or emotionally from abuse) which is not the case here.

You haven't let go and it is obvious to her. Once you truly do let go, you both will feel it. You need to understand, you can not fix her and you can not fix this. All you can do is let go and carry on with life. When she knows the gig is up, THAT might actually stimulate some thought on her part. People want what they can not have. She knows that she could have you anytime. She reads right through the BS. The second she thinks she doesn't, she will reflect on all of this. AND still there will be along ways to go.

I agree. The issue of my projects are mine. i know how she thinks, probably better than she does. I am not going to fix her, that i know. I am lettingher hang with the rope i dropped. that is why my attitude towrads her has changed to a very stern and hard line. I believe what you had told me about being there for her, also my acting happy whne she was around, i think, sent the wrong message as you had also indicated. this hard line is about me and where I am. the more she sees that, the less of a grip she has. i agree totally with what you are saying. I have read about MLC and understand it is her ride and I need to avoid getting on. that is why this new outlook I think has generated some response. I am going to keep this way up bacuase it feels right and I feel stronger and better about myself. The pressure I put on myself now is o get things done so I can rest. again, my whole miles to go before I sleep. In order for me to get to the final hurdle, I need these projects off my back. I love doing them, don't get me wrong. It's been a while since I really got into my house. I do also realize, as I mentioned, that this thing is not about me, my marriage or realtionship, it is about her. that has really helped me. Man I like hearing back from you....Really feel like my head is getting together everytime we talk.

Oh Karlah - It is wonderful. We went out again last night. Just a simple glass of wine, some appetizers and a chocolate dessert. She likes chocolate! A cozy booth, subdued lighting and it was raining outside. Oh I've got to tell you, this is fun.

We talked, we laughed and compared war stories, family stories, childhood stories and snuck the occasional passionate kiss. We also talked about relationship dynamics like the euphoria and infatuation stages and rebound dangers....and then we laughed some more.

Sometimes it is good to be less clinical and enjoy life and other people. Both of us got unceremoniously dumped by our respective spouses but we have a great deal more in common than that. She has been out of her relationship for 2 years and me since March 08. We both still love them but we were'nt missing them last night..and we probably won't tonight. LOL

Oh and I might add that older women absolutely rock

You're killing me! Good for you, I am so happy for you. We all deserve that kind of situation, we really do. I still have miles to go before Isleep, but I'll get there, don't you doubt that, I will get there. With or without her, I will be wholle and will enjoy the sentimental intimate moments that life has to offer. I am so happy for you!!

LD - You're getting it. GAL, moving on and letting go, have to have meaning. It is individualistic. It doesn't mean jumping into bed with someone but I happen to think that women are great. I love a woman's touch, their perspective on life,the qualities they bring to life, their company.....everything about them. So I'm not going to deny myself the company of a woman. I can hang out with all my guy friends and it isn't the same. That is why I enjoyed being married so much. My ExW was truly my best friend until she decided to not to be.

I can only hope she is having as much fun as I am. However, last time I saw her it didn't look that way to me. The woman I'm dating now enjoys my company as much as I enjoy hers and that is very nice. No pressure. No expectations.

You love your W with all your heart but you don't need her. Big difference. She needs to understand that and she will, if you do your part. I love my ExW. Always will. The moon and the sun set with her. But I don't need her. I don't hate her or dislike her. I hate what she did and the behavior that ruined a 30 year relationship. Big difference. Her choice. Her loss. Her responsibility.