Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Wandering Poster 44 - Countdown to ????

Dear W,

Unfortunately this is not the kind of letter we used to write to each other years ago. I am writing this letter to share with you what is on my mind about our marriage and although I would prefer that you and I could sit down and discuss this together, I'm not sure I would be able to say all that I feel and also be heard. So for now, I am hopeful that this letter to you might help.

For some time now, I have felt like my contribution to this family is only to bring home a pay check, take care of the kids, and maintain the house. These are life's responsibilities of a father and a husband and I am doing my best, but I don't think that's all a marriage and a family are about.

A marriage is not only responsibilities; a marriage is also a relationship that gives the spouses joy, emotional security, companionship. That is what I am missing from our marriage. I need the friendship, the caring, the tenderness. In other words I I feel a huge lack of intimacy. Not just physical but also emotional and this troubles me deeply. I don't know how long it has been since we've shared a joke, a relaxed conversation, a smile, or a simple tender gesture of any kind. Not to mention how long since we shared the same bed, except when the guest room was being used. It's been years since I've received a hug or a kiss, or really even had you accept one. It's been even longer since we've made love. I'd remove the references to s*x, just because it seems to be an area that she's really uncomfortable about. My feeling would be that she might be able to deal with the babystep of a tender gesture but she might fixate on the s*x thing instead if it's there.

At this point I have withdrawn and as you pointed out I've "switched off". I don't disagree with that, I have switched off. To be honest I've felt physically and emotionally rejected for so long that it was the only way to protect myself from feeling hurt. I didn't know how else to react or how to even reach out to you.

Still I've stayed I'm here and I've tried to do my best, for myself, and the kids, and even for you. I have been trying to improve myself. It took me too long to get motivated but I am slowly getting a grip of my life. As you must have noticed I have changed a lot of unhealthy habits and have lost 15 pounds, which is important to me, and I plan to lose 15 more.

I have been going to a therapist for months now, trying to find out what I can do to improve things. For me personally but also for us as a couple. I asked you to go with me, but my attempt to reach out to you was declined and I was sorry that you didn't want to join me when I asked. That said something to me, and it didn't leave me feeling too hopeful.

Maybe because this is the second time I feel that I am the only one that wants to save this relationship. Remember when we went to Retrouvaille? You promised at least one hug, or touch, every day. It managed to happen once. Dialog also ceased. I should not have let that happen, I think it could have helped. But I was told that I was the problem, and that there wasn't anything more to be gained. I can't help but feel that these issues were and are only important to me.

I have come to realize that we are not setting a good example for our boys for their future relationships and marriages. You have asked me this question many times: what example do I want to set for them. Well, this isn't it.

The worst part for me is that in switching off from you, I've also switched off from them to some extent, and that really disturbs me. I want to change that, yet I also know that some of the problems in our marriage are not mine alone to bear, and it troubles me to see little or nothing being done to fix our issues.

As I see it, our choices on how to proceed are very limited. Maintaining the status quo, as we have been, is no longer an acceptable choice for me. I can't continue to live the way we are. It seems to me that the only other alternatives would be to separate, or to commit to improving our marriage.

If we separate, things won't be as good financially as we had planned. It will be much harder to come up with the money we had planned to give the kids to help with college. And the state of the economy certainly doesn't help. IMHO, the state of the economy is a background issue that will make things more complex but doesn't need to go it- just thinking that if I was reading this and the state of the economy came up it's raise my hackles. But, I don't think those are problems that can't be overcome, though the solutions might not be perfect. Neither one of us would be as well off as we are now. But, I am not happy with the current state of our marriage and I am not willing to spend more years deprived of companionship and love because of the financial aspect of this.

I hope it is clear that my first choice would be for the both of us to fully commit to improving our marriage. We have a history, and we've created a wonderful family together. I have come to believe that love is a choice and a decision and I am willing to make that choice and work hard to create a better relationship with you that would make us both feel satisfied and happy. It will not be easy but it's not easy either to simply walk away from what we have created together.

I also want you to know that although sometimes I fail to let you know and show you I appreciate your commitment to the family, the boys, and even to me. You do so many great things for all of us, from helping with homework, to making great quilts, listening for interesting things to do, and not least of all working hard to make up for savings that I didn't make sure happened over the years. That's not to mention years of homeschooling, moving halfway around the world, and supporting a lot of my long business trips on short notice. I know that you are still a kind hearted person, I see how much you care for all of your friends. I'd like us to be friends again.!

I remain hopeful that both of us are able to put our best foot forward towards improving our marriage. Not just for us although we both deserve a "better", "happier" life, but for our family. The boys deserve every possible chance that you and I are willing and able to give them. I would much prefer this to the alternative.

Please think about this for a while before you respond, but please do respond. And respond any way you'd like, whether in another letter, or a talk. If we talk, I'd rather not do it with the kids around, so a letter might be easier from that standpoint. This is really hard for me to do, but I have come to the point where things have to change, and this is the best way I could think of to get that started.

I love you,

Jeff

Dear W,

Unfortunately this is not the kind of letter we used to write to each other years ago. I am writing this letter to share with you what is on my mind about our marriage and although I would prefer that you and I could sit down and discuss this together, I'm not sure I would be able to say all that I feel and also be heard. So for now, I am hopeful that this letter to you might help.

For some time now, I have felt like my contribution to this family is only to bring home a pay check, take care of the kids, and maintain the house. These are life's responsibilities of a father and a husband and I am doing my best, but I don't think that's all a marriage and a family are about.

A marriage is not only responsibilities; a marriage is also a relationship that gives the spouses joy, emotional security, companionship. That is what I am missing from our marriage. I need the friendship, the caring, the tenderness. In other words I I feel a huge lack of intimacy. Not just physical but also emotional and this troubles me deeply. I don't know how long it has been since we've shared a joke, a relaxed conversation, a smile, or a simple tender gesture of any kind. Not to mention how long since we shared the same bed, except when the guest room was being used. It's been years since I've received a hug or a kiss, or really even had you accept one. It's been even longer since we've made love. I'd remove the references to s*x, just because it seems to be an area that she's really uncomfortable about. My feeling would be that she might be able to deal with the babystep of a tender gesture but she might fixate on the s*x thing instead if it's there.

At this point I have withdrawn and as you pointed out I've "switched off". I don't disagree with that, I have switched off. To be honest I've felt physically and emotionally rejected for so long that it was the only way to protect myself from feeling hurt. I didn't know how else to react or how to even reach out to you.

Still I've stayed I'm here and I've tried to do my best, for myself, and the kids, and even for you. I have been trying to improve myself. It took me too long to get motivated but I am slowly getting a grip of my life. As you must have noticed I have changed a lot of unhealthy habits and have lost 15 pounds, which is important to me, and I plan to lose 15 more.

I have been going to a therapist for months now, trying to find out what I can do to improve things. For me personally but also for us as a couple. I asked you to go with me, but my attempt to reach out to you was declined and I was sorry that you didn't want to join me when I asked. That said something to me, and it didn't leave me feeling too hopeful.

Maybe because this is the second time I feel that I am the only one that wants to save this relationship. Remember when we went to Retrouvaille? You promised at least one hug, or touch, every day. It managed to happen once. Dialog also ceased. I should not have let that happen, I think it could have helped. But I was told that I was the problem, and that there wasn't anything more to be gained. I can't help but feel that these issues were and are only important to me.

I have come to realize that we are not setting a good example for our boys for their future relationships and marriages. You have asked me this question many times: what example do I want to set for them. Well, this isn't it.

The worst part for me is that in switching off from you, I've also switched off from them to some extent, and that really disturbs me. I want to change that, yet I also know that some of the problems in our marriage are not mine alone to bear, and it troubles me to see little or nothing being done to fix our issues.

As I see it, our choices on how to proceed are very limited. Maintaining the status quo, as we have been, is no longer an acceptable choice for me. I can't continue to live the way we are. It seems to me that the only other alternatives would be to separate, or to commit to improving our marriage.

If we separate, things won't be as good financially as we had planned. It will be much harder to come up with the money we had planned to give the kids to help with college. And the state of the economy certainly doesn't help. IMHO, the state of the economy is a background issue that will make things more complex but doesn't need to go it- just thinking that if I was reading this and the state of the economy came up it's raise my hackles. But, I don't think those are problems that can't be overcome, though the solutions might not be perfect. Neither one of us would be as well off as we are now. But, I am not happy with the current state of our marriage and I am not willing to spend more years deprived of companionship and love because of the financial aspect of this.

I hope it is clear that my first choice would be for the both of us to fully commit to improving our marriage. We have a history, and we've created a wonderful family together. I have come to believe that love is a choice and a decision and I am willing to make that choice and work hard to create a better relationship with you that would make us both feel satisfied and happy. It will not be easy but it's not easy either to simply walk away from what we have created together.

I also want you to know that although sometimes I fail to let you know and show you I appreciate your commitment to the family, the boys, and even to me. You do so many great things for all of us, from helping with homework, to making great quilts, listening for interesting things to do, and not least of all working hard to make up for savings that I didn't make sure happened over the years. That's not to mention years of homeschooling, moving halfway around the world, and supporting a lot of my long business trips on short notice. I know that you are still a kind hearted person, I see how much you care for all of your friends. I'd like us to be friends again.!

I remain hopeful that both of us are able to put our best foot forward towards improving our marriage. Not just for us although we both deserve a "better", "happier" life, but for our family. The boys deserve every possible chance that you and I are willing and able to give them. I would much prefer this to the alternative.

Please think about this for a while before you respond, but please do respond. And respond any way you'd like, whether in another letter, or a talk. If we talk, I'd rather not do it with the kids around, so a letter might be easier from that standpoint. This is really hard for me to do, but I have come to the point where things have to change, and this is the best way I could think of to get that started.

I love you,

Jeff