NC is good for now. She just had a great time with him and can go another few months until she needs her next fix. Then what? Will you clean up the mess for her again? You are so nice to be there waiting, ready to explain it all to her parents and relieve her of any burden she might have. We need a new word, doormat is not strong enough.
W has asked how I could ever get past this and I have said I cannot do it without her help. I need NC in place with OM and complete and total transparency. Otherwise I will not get past it.
And so once again your threats were meaningless. As I read this repeat infidelity I have a vision of me walking in on my wife screwing some guy, and her saying, "I knew this would end badly. How can we get past this?" In the future she'll take NC to mean, no sexual contact, and then keep chatting with him (until the next time you catch her). This is why no ultimatums, because you aren't prepared to follow through with any of them. Before it was, "I'm leaving if she cheats", now it's, "I'll give her a stern talking to". It will not stop until she decides for good that she'll stop. If she's completely transparent (until she starts missing him again), she'll grow to resent you for your hounding her and start thinking how things are better with OM. She just got done with this guy....it shouldn't be as easy as flipping a switch and now she's ready to try. She needs time to figure out that you are what she wants FOR GOOD, not for the next couple weeks or months.
But maybe I'm not the one to post. If it were me I'd have kicked my wife to the curb already and never looked back....so I'm probably not the greatest DBer. You are being abused as surely as if she was kicking the crap out of you. You are a battered husband. Now you see why all those women that get the crap kicked out of them by their husbands don't leave.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
NC is good for now. She just had a great time with him and can go another few months until she needs her next fix. Then what? Will you clean up the mess for her again? You are so nice to be there waiting, ready to explain it all to her parents and relieve her of any burden she might have. We need a new word, doormat is not strong enough.
Quote:
W has asked how I could ever get past this and I have said I cannot do it without her help. I need NC in place with OM and complete and total transparency. Otherwise I will not get past it.
I should add that I must go otherwise.
Sara/Phoenixdeux this is heavy. I don't know what the heck to do here. I threw some of the gifts out that OM got for her yesterday which she seemed to respect.
I am looking at an apartment tomorrow. Seriously, I have no idea if I want to get past this with her.
Very confused - she was never like this before.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
You are so nice to be there waiting, ready to explain it all to her parents and relieve her of any burden she might have.
When I spoke to her Dad I simply and calmly said "W has been away with her adultery partner and continues her affair". I didn't talk it down, minimise it or anything like that. Nothing of the sort.
They are all outraged by her actions.
Will write more soon - I am still numb and taking all of this in.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
You are so nice to be there waiting, ready to explain it all to her parents and relieve her of any burden she might have.
When I spoke to her Dad I simply and calmly said "W has been away with her adultery partner and continues her affair". I didn't talk it down, minimise it or anything like that. Nothing of the sort.
They are all outraged by her actions.
Will write more soon - I am still numb and taking all of this in.
Outraged or not, in the end it is you or her and they will ALWAYS choose her.
Trust me...I have seen an "outraged" father giving away their cheating daughter to the OM at their wedding.
Don't count on her family for jack-squat.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
I am sorry and I am not shocked by any of this! Brother it is time to cut bait, walk away and say nothing more. You deserve a better life, I am very impressed by your handling of the sitch so far. We all have limits don't let her push you to the edge! Save yourself, she is lost. Bye-bye baby!
I do not see another way for you my friend. Make good on your promise to your self.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Not sure how to answer that. In a rage, I moved all of our stuff back into our old room 2 weeks ago and we had been sleeping in the same bed until last night when we had a bit of a blow up.
After the blow up we went to bed in separate rooms but I came back into her room after we had had the chance to cool off and caressed her head until she was asleep. I know from experience that this does a great job of pacifying her and this morning she woke up in a better mood.
The argument was purportedly about something trivial (bathroom) but I sense that W was angry because I deleted all of OM's SMS messages off her mobile phone from when they began the affair. Last week she was cross that another woman had been texting me (a former coworker) and although I have no romantic interest in her - W wanted her messages and her details deleted. W said "it's inappropriate that she would be texting a married man like that. She's a skank and hanging around like a bad smell". Very deranged and twisted logic, but if it offends her that this person's number is on my phone then I respect her decision to delete it. No problem.
Then when I did the same she got very angry but said nothing more than "it's my history" and "I wasn't ready to have them deleted" - probably because she knows how much of a hypocrite she would sound if she said anything more. I don't give two f#*!s whether she "isn't ready" or not. I am negotiable on virtually everything but not this - their presence on her cellphone was deeply offensive to me.
W had to get an operation done on her face today so I took her into the hospital and waited for her. I probably wouldn't have done this in the past and would have done something negligent like go surfing instead.
For some reason she has really been truculent and spoiling for a fight these last few days. This in spite of us hanging out together a lot and emailing each other throughout the day.
W is now talking in terms of us having a future together - i.e. heading back to Europe where I have a job offer and buying a home. She has also been emailing universities about courses in the city where the job is. Strangely, I have very mixed feelings about all this.
But, I am watching her like a hawk. I have access to all of her email accounts and a few other accounts also. I hate to have to do this but I need to be able to trust her. She has agreed to NC with OM but I really require much more than just her words.
Still silent on threats, ultimatums and the like but I have my ducks lined up to leave. Heaven knows what I am still hanging around for. Michele is right in her DR book that sometimes one will doubt one's sanity by continuing to fight for a marriage during an active affair.
There is also more I can write about what's happened but that will need to wait for now...
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
It does, and I am thinking very, very hard about it - and what I would require from my wife if we were to do it together. W and I are still undecided.
I would much prefer not to - at least not yet. Sydney during the summer is a wonderful place to be and as far as I am concerned, any work to restore our marriage hasn't even started yet.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
