Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Maybe I should be in piecing part 2?

Thanks WDID. I know, patience, patience, but it just so hard.

Warning, Warning, this is going to be a long ramble I'm afraid. Just need to get some things out that I've been feeling lately.

It's going on 2 years since I first became concerned about this "friend" at work. It's been 20 months since it started. It's been about 18 months since I really became seriously concerned. It's been probably 16 months since I think I knew what was going on but didn't want to believe it. It's been over 14 months since I confronted her and she admitted it. And once she admitted it, it was 4 months of watching her disrespect me and our kids in ways I'll never understand. It's been 8 months since she claims NC. If I had to guess, it's been maybe 3-4 months of actual NC.

And like I've said in previous posts, the last 2 or so months have been REALLY GOOD. Last night was another really good night. We went to a little german tavern near us and had a nice meal, a couple drinks, some nice conversation, etc. We come home and have a nice evening at home although we were both tired and crashed pretty early.

Our new mattress/box is being delivered today. After it's delivered we're going to the little Amish town near us to pick up some things. We're going to Gatlinburg, leaving next Thur evening. W is excited about the trip. W is excited about fixing Thanksgiving dinner for our family.

W starts her temporary assignment at work the week of Thanksgiving. She is very excited for that as she feels like she is under appreciated in her current position. And she is. Prior to relocating for my job, W was in line to move up to being an Admin for one of the Senior VP's of our company. Bout as high as you can get in her line of work. And then we move and she's stuck working with 3 people who just don't get it. So now she's doing this temp assignment that will expose her to the higher ups at her Refinery. And she's going to be deeply involved in Company/Union negotiations while she's filling in. And she's EXCITED. She made a comment about how much she's looking forward to it. She's going to miss not being in the same building with EGF, but "oh well" she said.

W is going with me to my work Christmas party. W is excited for her work Christmas party. Last year I went by myself to my Christmas party and she's skipped her party the first two years we were here. A week after that we're having a Christmas open house and inviting people from both her work and my work. Then Christmas.

So, what is all this saying? It's saying I'm tired. I had done such a good job of detaching and then we start making progress and I get my expectations up and now I'm back where I was last year, tired of waiting for her to figure it out. Or if she has figured it out, I'm tired of her not talking to me about anything serious. I'm tired of her mood swings (which aren't as bad as they were even just a month ago). I'm tired of LIMBO land.

I'm just tired.....

H4U

Actions actions actions!!! Actions speak louder then words....and your posts are filled with them...that is fantastic!! Words....man how our hearts can be crushed....or completely uplifted by them. Why does it seem sometimes that actions...good or bad...don't seem to hold so much weight??

Just some thoughts based on my own sitch...

Hope this makes some sense

Hope... you have a very long fb email...:)

I'm not surprised by your feelings. You have been working your azz off keeping your marriage. You are in a good place and instead of having to put all your effort into working, you are there. Problem is she is not talking yet. I think it is time to talk to her, h4h. She is your wife. You need to talk to her. Let me make a suggestion. The things you want to talk about will be very difficult. I suggest you talk about those things in a pro-marriage counselor's office. Someone to help both of you deal with it. You have made a list before for me of what you need. Those things are not unreasonable. But, you know how the things you did before that affected your marriage in a bad way and you didn't realize it? She may be in that spot right now. She knows she had the affair, but she may not be sure how to proceed right now. It seems natural to do the things you ask.....but, things are confusing right now. I used to say that,too. If he loved me he would just DO THOSE THINGS I NEED.

Marriage is hard work. I've said this before....the easy thing would be to cut and run and start over with someone new. In fact, you could do that often...just go from relationship to relationship and always have those feel good/great times of both of you appreciating each other and loving each other, doing everything right, not making a commitment, etc. THen, when things are difficult, bail. Many people do it. You are not one of those people. YOu have been with her through all of this....it will get better...it will get great....you will see....

I've said this to many people....but, if you want a little encouragement/uplifting movie, go to Fireproof. You and your wife. It could be a good springboard to talking about things. Maybe go to it, bring tissues, and then go someplace and talk.

(((((hope)))))))

Ok Wdid... I just watched the clip for that movie and IM crying already.. it looks great!! Wow, Now to just get my H to watch it will be difficult.

Yeah, it really hits home for all of us. My H and I both cried in the theatre. Luckily we went during the week, in the middle of the day, and we were the only ones in the theatre.

I hope you guys can go. If you believe in God, it really gets your head in the right place.

Thanks WDID. Two problems. First, W refuses to see a counselor of any kind. Just doesn't believe in them. Second, I promised her I wouldn't bring any R talk up until she was ready and she seems to have responded to the lack of pressure on that front, so I don't know how I can say anything to her. I just have to let her figure this out on her own.

But I sometimes think, actually more often than not, that we will slowly just keep getting better and better and everything will work out just fine for her, but I'll never get what I need, at least until I find a job back in our hometown and tell her S16 and I are moving without her. And maybe not then. W is not a very compassionate person. She see's everything only how it affects her. And this A is a perfect example. Through this all she's said to me a number of times, "it's not all about you". If there were ever truer words to come out of her mouth, I don't know what they were.

W is a conflict avoider. Always has been. And that's probably how we got where we are in the first place. Her whole family just doesn't deal with tough stuff. They just cut and run because it's easier.

Would she go see the movie? Doubt it. She'd ask what's it about and I'd say and she'd say no. I would bet my retirement on it.

I'm not saying I'm done by a long shot. I see the progress we're making. I KNOW that when she starts this temp assignment I will see DRASTIC improvement in her. I wonder sometimes if us moving and her getting a job that she doesn't like and is a demotion from where she was in her career had a big part in this. I mean, prior to moving she was mentioned as the next admin in our company to move into working for a VP when the next opening occurred. And she would fill in for vacations etc for all the VP's. And when we relocated she was bumped down a salary grade and put in this basement hole of a job and OM shows her some attention and I was so wrapped up in travel and my new assignment that the attention OM showed her filled her with the confidence she needed at the time. And she saw that as "love".

I'm not done. I just get frustrated at times with the pace of this. I know if I want to be married to her that this has to go on her time schedule, not mine. I know I need to just keep showing her I get it and I'm the guy she fell in love with over 24 years ago. I get it. I really do. But I just hope that I can continue to push my needs away and give her what she needs. Isn't that what unconditional love is all about?

Thanks for the props. And by the way, W got up this morning and we're having a good morning right on que. It's amazing what being away from work or getting caught up on sleep does for her. Not sure which one it is or maybe a combo of both.

Hope,

Checking in for a moment from vacation. Here's the problem I'm having with reading your obviously very heartfelt posts/thoughts:

1) You don't want to escalate anything, because you feel like it's going well, and it DOES seem to be going well, but for the painfully slow pace of it all;

2) You keep posting that you're NOT doing well with the pace.

So, which is it? I've said all along, and I think everyone agrees, that your way is fine, SO LONG AS YOU CAN HANDLE IT. And while most days you're handling it very well, I think -- long term -- you're not hanldling it at all, because you're incredibly frustrated, sad, confused, horny, tired of limbo, ALL of that.

And it's all perfectly understandable.

So, ARE you okay with the way it's going -- INCLUDING the pace -- or AREN'T you?

Puppy

Well at least today is bed day!! You should know alot tonight as far as where you are!! Not sex but whether she will come back to the marital bed. If she attempts to sleep again on the couch I would say "We talked about this and get your butt in our new bed!!!" "You can sleep all the way on your side of the bed but I want my wife in our bed!!"

Don't know Pup. Most days, with the progress we're making, I'm ok. Some days, I'm not.

So, what I need to come to grips with is this. W seems to be responding to no pressure. But without pressure I'm afraid we'll continue this dance possibly to a point where I don't care. So what to do?

Right now, I'm kind of stuck. Financially I can't really do anything until a relocation opportunity comes up. That won't be until probably spring. So does it make sense to push her right now and risk all the progress we've made? I can see W saying "see, I knew you weren't listening when I told you I needed time". And then all the changes I've been working on go out the window.

So which is it? I'm not ok with the pace, but I know the pace is the only chance our marriage has. So unless I'm ok with throwing in the towel, I have to accept that this will go at her pace not mine.

I know sometimes I ramble on, vent if you will. And I do that to get some of my frustrations out so I don't wreck all the progress we've made by taking it out on her. I also know that I can see us making lots of progress soon. So I guess I'll just continue on as is for now and make sure when I'm venting here that I state so so I don't confuse anyone with my posts.