We've been married 21 years next month. We have four children, the youngest is 16. I tried to have some kind of physical contact with him tonight and it has ended in a big fight. He now tells me he doesn't want me anymore sexually because I had sex with another man without a condom and that thought makes him sick. It didn't make him sick the two years after the affair, just within the past year or so he's decided this is sick. I can't be married like this, and I, at this point, can't see things working out, now I don't know if I can get over his rejection of me. We get along for the most part but there isnt' a marriage here. Thanks all of you for your advice, I'll keep reading. :-)
Undone, Did you guys ever REALLY deal with the affair or did you just try to "forget" about it?
If you never dealt with it, it's not surprising that there came a point where your H had this kind of reaction. Did you tell your H at some point that the A wasn't because there was anything really wrong?
From my point of view, hearing that my W had an affair when there wasn't anything really wrong would be a double betrayal. That would tell me that not only did my W do the worst thing a person can do to their spouse, but did it, not because there was something wrong in the marriage, but because someone was "nice" to her.
I'll tell you how I would feel if that was the case. I'd feel like how could I ever trust you again if everything was ok and you had an affair anyway? And for most men, when it comes to affairs, the sex is the worst part of the betrayal. For most women, the emotional connection of an affair is the worst.
What does all this mean? Like Saffie said, if you want to save your marriage, your H will need a TON (or like my S20 says, a cubic butt ton) of understanding for what your affair has done to your marriage. I read in one of the books I have read about recovering after an affair (don't remember which one) that "the affair was all about you, this recovery needs to be all about him". Understand he's hurting right now more than you can imagine. Does he hate you? Probably yes, but that doesn't mean he doesn't still love you. He just could be testing you to see how committed you are to him. Because if my W had told me the affair wasn't because anything was wrong in the marriage, I can tell you for certain that it would take me a long time and many, many acts of understanding from her to make me feel safe that it wouldn't happen again.
Now for a little 2x4. Take this with how it's intended. To get you to try to understand what he's going through. You said "now I don't know if I can get over his rejection of me". Mulitply that by 1000 and maybe you can feel what he's feeling. You having an affair when there wasn't really anything wrong (like you stated) is the ULTIMATE rejection of him.
IF you want to save your marriage it will take a ton of patience on your part. It will take you being completely open and honest with him. It will take a long time of you reassuring him that it was a mistake and you'll never do it again. It'll take you swallowing your pride and you not getting anything from him for quite a while.
So the question is, are you willing to do the work necessary or is it beyond what you can do/handle?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I feel like we have dealt with the affair over and over again. When I moved home after I had told him about the affair, he did everything in his power to show he loved me and I pretty much shunned it, I was still talking to the other guy and like playing a game or something, now I can't understand or believe I did that to my husband. Of course, when he realized I was still talking to him, the fighting was horrible and then I made my husband move out. Since he has moved back, over two years ago, I almost feel like I'm being punished by him.
My husband will actually say "You don't want to be married anymore because I won't have sex with you?" when we have a discussion about our relationship. It's maddening, I feel like pulling my hair out when he says that. He knows it and I'm so sick of feeling this way. I know I hurt him, I know it devastated him. With him saying things like that to me, I want to get the hell out of here but I can't, I can't hurt the kids again, at least not while they are still living here. Sex was the best thing about our relationship prior to the affair, sex with the other person wasn't even worth mentioning, honestly. My husband doesn't believe that of course and I don't think he'll ever believe it. I had sex with the other guy FOUR times TOTAL the rest of it was talking on the phone and emails.
ComingUndone, when I read what he says, "You don't want to be married anymore because I won't have sex with you?" He may be testing you to see if you will stay in the marriage. He wants to know that you love him and will not abandon him again.
Have you tried a marriage seminar? You both need to learn how to love each other again. Here is a link to retrovaille: http://www.retrouvaille.org/
I agree with JWM. He is wanting reassurance. Validate him and say yes you do want to be married to him and you will wait till he is ready. Tell him other things you value him for
Being a father A good provider and protector Great sense of humor good gardener Great Griller The love of your life.
My husband gets on aol IM and pretends he's me, trying to get information from the other man. Tonight he got the OM going, saying all kinds of things that aren't true, that I have no idea why he is saying and I don't care. This is like a nightmare, I don't know what to do. He's done this before, and then he accuses me of lying because of whatever the OM might say, I've never spoken to the other guy on IM, not even when it was going on. I think I'm having a panic attack, this is crazy!!!
It seems to me as your husband needs assurance that its over. Since it has been over for years and you have no contact make sure your husband knows the truth nd that you made a mistake and let him know he can e-mail him or call him or do whateve since you have nothing to hide and if that makes him feel better and earn your trust again you dont mind. You just have to be sure you told him the truth and I feel after awhile your husband will top this behavior and trust you slowly gain you just hae to go along right now.He still loves you he is just having a hard time trusting you play along and when he IM"s him or whatever try not to feed into th argument and tell him I told you the truth about everything there is no more you can find out. Show him that it doesnt bother you that he is still investigating it will blow over once he realizes that you are honest which seems you are,hang in there and you know how to slowly seduce your husband back to you.Just think of the past and he will come back to you,right now he is hurt and maybe not sure you are honest. Hope this helped you out
