Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Things my heart still needs to know... (#47)

You get what you settle for.....-Thelma and Louise

I forgot all about that quote. How true!

I wanted to share something with you. I don't know if it will be helpful to you but it certainly opened my eyes to a lot of things that I had been mulling over wondering if I was doing the right thing regarding my M and the possibilities of reconciliation.

Reconciliation is bilateral (whereas separation is generally one sided):

Use the ABCM model to measure the other party's sincerity in wanting to reconcile.

A - Acknowledge sin - Offender needs to own up to their sins. Are they sorry for what they did or sorry they got caught?

B - Bear the burden - Admit if they are the responsible party - repent

C - Correct the behavior - Caused the tension and must be willing to be accountable to change.

M - Make a sincere request for mercy - Completes the picture of reconciliation.

The ABCM process:

Remain open, but be wise - It's like chain locking a door. They can only push the door so far before the chain lock stops them. You need to watch them to make sure they are sincere.

Take responsibility for reconciliation - This could just mean a cordial relationship, not necessarily marriage restoration. Both parties must be actively involved in the work to be done and be accountable to each other for it.

Remain realistic - Take things the way they are, not necessarily the way you want them to be. Don't be in denial when God reveals things to you.

What do I need to do to stabilize? - Stabalize yourself - even if spouse is not willing because if you are the same person they left before they won't ever want to be with you again (yes, we all know this which is why we worked so hard on ourselves)

Do I want to reconcile? - Taking the time to find out and stabilize is the most important. After that, you will come to your own conclusions based on the observations you have of your spouse.

K, You also get what you work for. It would be great if he called FG - they both speak Greek right? Granted he's a DAM try to ask for something specific instead of complaining and expecting him to read between the lines. Going out drinking won't help. Even in MC the gratest benefit would be listening and working on yourself first. Tough enough?

Tough is my middle name fb2, havent you noticed by now?
S

Thanks Mish, if I do try the abcm he is screwed..

Kalni,

I dont' post much but have kept up with your thread for the last couple of months. I don't know why but I guess like everyone else, I just gravitate towards certain situations here. Anyways, your H is even confusing me

On one hand, maybe he thinks you meant to go really slow

On the other hand he thinks you might be done so doesn't want to "end up with egg on his face"

Or he really is in over his head at work and really stuck at what is going on. Does he need to do all this to make ends meet for his family, because if he does it's not going to change. Ours became a work (time away) issue too. When H started coming back one of my stipulations was that one of his jobs had to change. They both involve travel. Now, I didn't put a time line on it but after about 3 months of seeing nothing done to correct it I restated the stipulation to him and said I am really serious about this one.

H felt like (we can't do without the money) he can't just up and quit as he was just assigned a new rank so that put an additional time limit to his commitment. I just said your smart enough to find a way to change it. If we have to live in a smaller home, move, whatever it takes I am willing to do it to have that change. Now, that he knew I was "all in" and he didn't want to "downsize" the lifestyle he got busy looking for something closer to home. It's still in the works but at least I see the effort that he is making..... I am saying this because it's sometimes difficult to make big life changes over night. It took him 4-5 months before he really put any effort into this change. Jobs provide security for him and for his family so to jockey around with that I think is hard for a man. Of course, I am not a man so I am sure I have more "feelings" about that then men. Maybe some men here can give some perspective to their relationship to work and their relationship (obligation)to their family. I think it's much different for the men. Especially when they are successful at work.

Welcome sandycay,

I will reply to your post later, I need to leave soon...

Just a quick note for those following for a while. H called and said the team is invited for a game in NY in June and one in Chicago 3 days later and asked if I want to go with him... This is really a cruel joke played on me by someone.

I need to sleep and wake up in 6 months... Bears do that right? Maybe I can too.
K

Sunshine,

Enjoy tonight. Have fun. The counseling will help you both tremendously.

As for the trip, take up the invitation w/ conditions --- if your marriage is moving in the right direction this summer, then you'd love the time w/him.

Also, you said:

The sad answer, in my opinion, is YES. You feel like you've made yourself perfectly clear, but he is a DAM, so he didn't get it. Thus, you need to make things perfectly clear and literally spell it out for him b/c he doesn't get it. Not at all.

Hang in there. Have fun and MC will be soooo incredibly good for you both.

RTL

<< Tough is my middle name fb2, havent you noticed by now?
K, No question, you are tough as nails and with a soft spot somewhere inside! I was afraid I was being too harsh, not that you weren't tough. If H was on here we'd all whack him with a 2x4 to get his as& moving

Men will get very stressed and insecure when the job is shaky, lost or does not bring in enough $. Often its the W who wants the higher standard of living. The M is then stressed, esp. if its not on firm ground already or there are other stresses like children with special needs or illness or deaths. So I'd say put yourself in his shoes on this and find out what's really going on inside him. Maybe he's working like this for the wrong reasons maybe he isn't. Often if you are supportive you'd see the results you need from him.

((((Sunshine)))))

Ouch, H is inviting you to NY in June?! I agree with RTL that you should go on the trip- it's good that he's inviting you; going on trips (albeit a work one) is something you wanted, right? He's probably thinking he's doing exactly what you asked for....

L. xx

Wow, a trip in June means he is thinking of the future....maybe not the gesture you wanted, but still a gesture...

Have a fun night sis...