Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Super close to walking out

SirPrizeMe makes some good points. I too, do not offer pity, only perspective.

There are so many similarities between your husband and me and my wife and you.

Your attitude from this end does seem sort of crappy BUT it is not at all unusual. You are no different then many WAW or soon to be WAW. How you feel is how you feel. The interesting question is how did you get there? Since you are here I assume at least some part of you would like to know how could you get better.

Did you ever communicate to your husband how unhappy you were? Did you communicate it in a way you KNEW he understood? My wife and I are in what I guess you would call "Piecing". She not too long ago told me, "For seven years, I was so unhappy." I asked her if in once in seven years she ever sat down and thought about what would make the relationship better OR how could we make the relationship better. Her answer was no. In your 14 "ugh" years together, how many books have you read, or sites like this have you visited, or constructive suggestions have you made with regards to the relationship? I am not slagging you down. I am just trying to provide food for thought and some perspective from your husbands side of the fence. I am positive, when your husband married you, he never thought, HEY! I am gonna marry this woman so I can make her unhappy.

Anyway, now to the smothering...guys fix stuff. Tire is flat, put on the spare - problem solved. Toilet clogged, get the plunger - problem solved. Light bulb burns out, replace with a new one - problem solved. Logical solutions for problems. You tell your husband he was absent, he smothers - problem solved...except it's not!!?? You are more pissed and things are worst. Your poor dumb husband can't figure out how the hell to fix it, how to solve the problem. You've heard the man joke of "get a bigger hammer." Well your husband tried smothering, it didn't work so he smothers more and harder. It's the only logical solution. He desperately wants you to be happy. He can't figure what to do. When I was in this phase, from frustration and hurt, I literally banged my head against the wall till my ears rang because I couldn't understand what my wife wanted. I would up on Zoloft and popping Ambien. I know lots of other guys in the same boat. I just admit it. Guys really, really care, they just don't know what to do because woman don't come with Chilton's Manuals. Things are better now 'round here, you guys could get better. Get the books, even if you are the only one to read them. The books cost like 15 bucks. I read the average divorce costs something like 50 thousand bucks when it's said and done. Even if you hate your husband right now, save yourself some money...

It feels like your husband needs to be here. I feel like one night commiserating at the bar with any number of guys around here could put your husband on the path toward doing what is needed. You might point him toward these forums.

You should look at the Keeping Love Alive DVDs. Since you are here. I suppose you might be open to them. They helped us a ton. You might not be able to communicate what you need from your husband or what you need him to do. You might not know what YOU need to do. Those DVDs will help both of you.

great points down-not-out and sirprize...really.

What came out in therapy last year - was my complete lack of communicating my needs/wants. Have always done it...it's how i was brought up.

Yes...I'm stuck in the anger mode. I'm EXTREMELY angry that he didn't see what was happening for 12 year. And my signature...when I say 24 years together - ugh... the UGH means that if WE have been together THAT long...and it came to this...it's a frustrated ugh.

I didn't know - until I came to this message board that him smothering me was not uncommon. I thought he had sincerely gone off the deep end. Downnotout has shown me that is not the case and i thank you.

I came to this board for a chance in healing because I know the grass is NOT greener on the other side and I do have a lot of issues to deal with before I make any moves either way.

and i take full responsibility for not sharing my feelings. I let him control my life up until now.

smothering?....cornering me in a room and talking excessively (over 1/2 hour at a time) about the R and literally following me around the house to do it all over again. Again I really thought he was losing it, honestly.

I have also learned from this board that my feelings can come back. Never, ever would have thought that to be true until coming here, so I appreciate that feedback.

I apologize for my cynicism. You are correct. That's been my safe place for quite some time and I agree it needs to stop in all areas of life.

DownNotOut...please keep sending me your thoughts. I think since our situations are similar but reversed - it helps me TREMENDOUSLY knowing what he could possibly be going through.

Thanks

hey peace, I know you are going through a tough time. I'm not offended by your cynicism - you owe me no apology. I know life can be no fun, especially when you feel like a bad situation has dragged on endlessly. I can understand your cynicism and I take no offense. Plus, I am completely emotionally detached from you, so ... In any case you owe me no apology.

My point was not to make you feel bad. Just to call your attention to what I see. No need to apologize about the cynicism. Better to recognize it, see it, acknowledge it to yourself, and then decide whether to keep it, or not. Does it serve you well? Then keep it. If you think cynicism is not serving you well, then maybe look to get rid of it. I don't think it will serve you well in any relationship.

About smothering -
I heard the same thing from my wife back when I was still in the house. She said "all we ever do is talk about this" and I felt exactly the opposite: we never talked. What would have helped is her commitment to talking about it, at a specific point in time, for a specific time. Not all the time, no ambushes. But let's agree to talk on Friday, when the kids are occupied, for half an hour. When she agreed to that, I was much more willing to leave it alone in between. Would that work for you?

I'll bet it will not be easy, though! You recognize that you didn't share your feelings or needs. That this is your habit, the way your family was. Therefore talking things out will be very challenging for you. Really sharing without going on offense or clamming up. Listening without being defensive or argumentative. It's hard at first. It takes practice.

But talking, even if uncomfortable at first, is better than remaining silent and nurturing resentment.

You ARE my wife (metaphorically...gotcha again!). BTW, I too would follow my wife around the house. Occassionally, cornering her. Exactly the same thing your describe. The Divorce Busting book describes this. It is very, very common. they simply call it pursuing around here.

You need to order the book and then tell your husband to go to the basement and not come out until he has read the entire thing. You might consider doing the same thing.

So what you are really saying is that you are really, really pissed that you chose to be unhappy all this time instead of choosing to do something about it???

Your situation is so totally fixable because unlike many of the other WAWs that loose their minds, walk and trash lives, homes, finances etc...often going so far that they can't turn back, you were/are thoughtful enough to come here and look around before cashing in your chips. May the god of your choice bless you for this.

thanks for your views...really. I needed a good kick in the pants about that - you're absolutely right. Nothing will get solved either way if I'm holding onto bad. I need to reach for the good.

Your response was a wake up call - honestly. I read it 3 times. Every other in-law plus my sister have been through divorces, and I see what it does to my nieces and nephews. That is why I'm here. I can't live like it is right now, I know that. But I do know that divorce might not be what is right either. Like I told my H, lately. I've never really felt splitting up was right - deep down in my bones.

BUT - I can't believe that living in constant agony is right either! Thank you for your insights on little changes I can make to make things at least better right now.

thx for that - that reply made me cry. I thought I was so alone. I'm so glad I found this place. I thought about it all weekend - but couldn't log on.

ok - i'll get the book - promise. But in the meantime...H just called me about everyday things...didn't mention the R. I was very cordial to him like nothing was wrong. Is that right? and What do I do if he corners me again at home? My initial reaction is to run...screaming... or rip my hair out.

and yes...I am really really pissed that I did nothing about it. But I've ALWAYS been like that. What came out in MC is that I basically married my mother. She controlled every single breath we all took. So that's how I'm programmed. I'm not trying to excuse my behavior - I know that part of my M is all my fault...but before counseling - I never realized it.

Hmmm....that's interesting. Perhaps he found this site or one of the others like it. Most advise to stop the pursuing ASAP. Maybe he got wise. So he called you and was cool, yes? So what do you do? You be pleasant to him. Easy enough. Maybe he will learn, if I back off, I get better results. The first thing you guys need to do is bleed off some of the tension. Doesn't matter who starts backing it down as long as someone does.

I think the next step is to do what Sir said and that is tell your husband, you are willing to talk but at this time, for this long. You could even go so far as to say, I realize it takes two. I want to work with you to improve the marriage. I will work with you by talking at this time for this amount of time. YOU (husband), will work with me by NOT attempting to talk about the R except at those times. I so promise you, if you can make even one step toward easing the tensions and clearing the air, you will have made a foot hold on improving things. You can build on that.

Now let me warn you, this is going to drive your husband out of his f'ing skull. Again guys fix things. He wants it fixed now. Also guys get over their hurt a lot faster. I've had fist fights with friends and the next day we go fishing. That's how guys work. Woman don't seem to heal or move on so quickly. It's not wrong, it just is and he will not get it. No matter what limits you set, he will want to test them. You have to stick to your boundries but try to be patient when he pushes. This is really, really hard on guys. Not that it isn't hard on you or woman but you had asked for the dumb husband perspective, so that's where I'm coming from.