Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Super close to walking out

hang in there. take care of yourself. it gets easier. what I learned is "i can't control what happened... i can only control me." I'm making the best of my life right now. I'm actually spending time with my friends tonight. Girl bonding/laughing and what ever comes up

ohhh..a couple days ago is when i actually made the conscious decision to take care of myself. I told myself that i will NOT spend another night on this planet like i did that night. i have demanded that he gives me my space. i'm going to buy the book this weekend...and go from there.

Well, I am at your service. BTW, one of the mantras here is don't snoop. I am a reformed snooper. I don't do that anymore. I like to think of myself as a reformed, no longer an idiot husband. My wife says I'm not there yet, but hey, we're still married...

...So anyway, men are, for the most part, incredibly thick, dopey simpletons. I would bet your husband had no clue he was so absent. I suspect he wants to desperately make things right and thinks that what he is doing is the way to fix it. If he was absent, now he smothers. The simple logic of simple creatures. It is possible he will continue down that course until you do walk. I hope it doesn't come to that. It is amazing that you threaten to walk and he still won't give you space. That said, 2 years back, I was doing the same thing.

Sorry, I can't offer more at this moment other than empathy and understanding. Ask some questions and I will try to share some answers.

If you could suggest the book (divorce busting) to him, OR maybe say, "Lets read it together." It might help. It is a lot to ask, I realize, putting the onus on you but I figure since you are here, you might consider it. If you suggest HE reads the book, he might resist (men are so F'ing dumb!) but if you suggest you read it together, he might go for that. He can smother AND work on his marriage at the same time. Kills two birds with one stone ;-) One of the first things the book says is give the spouse space.

Most men, by the time they get to the smothering stage, are willing to do anything to make it better, they just can't figure out what to do. Smothering, to him makes sense, giving you space seems totally counter intuitive in light of being absent in the past. It just doesn't compute in the puny male brain. It might not help too much but it sounds like he is trying.

Oh yeah, if you could get your thoughts together as to what you want from him, in terms that are so specific that they read like a checklist, you might have good luck with that. My wife and I went around and 'round with this until she watched the Keeping Love Alive DVD. She made a list of what would make her happy. Once yours truly knew what to do, he set to work. Men are like that.

ohhh...i like talking to you. you are a man and you see completely what i'm dealing with. did you're wife ever tell you she's not in love with you anymore? cause i'm not! and that's not a cop-out...that's the sincere truth.

If I don't respond for awhile - I'm heading out the door to go home. Thank you all on this forum for helping me today. I know I'm not alone now. I will definitely return for advice. Y'all have a good weekend, and if any of you pray - please send one my way because the H is home all weekend....uuuuugggghhh

addicted's thread

Addicted I haven't read your thread at all, but in your words here on peace's thread I feel like you still have hope even though you've been through much pain. Like I said to peace, even if your children are older, D leaves a painful mark on their lives.

I wouldn't expect you to be in love with me, you barely know me...but seriously folks...

My wife started with I love you but I'm not in love with you. It is heard here so often it is known as ILYBNILY. Then I heard I DON'T LOVE YOU. Then I heard, maybe I NEVER loved you...so I smothered her some more to prove she should love me...Then I snooped and found she never loved me BUT had found true love with the clerk at a local store who was 17 years younger.

I am sure she WASN'T in love with me at the time. I am also sure she WAS totally in love with the kid at the store, who basically was polite to her, talked to her a little, and eyed her boobs. Being ignored hurts, a LOT. It kills love and makes one vulnerable as heck to anyone showing kindness.

That you don't love your husband right now or maybe even are repulsed by him at this point is not unique, or wrong. You feel how you feel. It might seem hopeless right not but feelings can change. This might be a guy thing but did you ever have that kid on the playground who you hated, maybe fought with and then he or she eventually became your best friend???

BTW I agree, marriage is often entered in to too lightly. But hey, you married the guy. You loved him once. You could again. My wife said the same things as what you said in your first post.

Read SmartCookie, if you have lots of time read Sandi2 as well.

maybe i do have hope but not holding my breath. not making any effort. I said to myself that the ball is in his court. for sure i'm doing the detaching and taking care of myself. My heart tells me it's over.

to make a point about him... I have not talk to him for a few weeks now (not a word). Since the "bomb". I don't sleep in our bed. Not even look to him. He seems happier. So I know I'm doing us a favor.

i'm around here for support I guess. or vent maybe. i hope that's okay. or to give support to some H. if it would help them. reading some post helps a lot.

Thank you for your time

Wow...addicted...you and breakaway...I thought I was breakaway's twin sister....but I'm a mix between the two of you.

Last Friday, I told H that if he doesn't find a way to give me some space, then I'm going to create it by separating from him..

It seemed to work, at least for the last 2 days! I cannot tell you how much better I feel. i know there's crap waiting in the wings for me, I know he will smother again. But 2 days without smothering it kind of like a vacation!

you're funny. I'm glad to know that the 'inilwy' phrase is not uncommon...it made me feel awful! it's a sincere feeling though and i am so repulsed by him now. I even can't believe i ever liked him. Yeah, of course i loved him once, but he's a completely a different person. and in the last two years the things he has said and done to me really make me see him in a different light. and it ain't too pretty!

peace2u -
I'm going to tell you what I see here. You may not like it. I am not like the others here. I am not going to say "awwww, poor baby." This is a different perspective.

I've been thinking about splitting for a very long time, but never told him - for fear of his reaction due to his twisted way of thinking.
Boy this sounds emotionally distant and cold. First you're considering ending a marriage. Then you refuse to discuss it, and you blame your decision on him, on his "Twisted way of thinking?" Are you saying, that if he didn't like the idea of ending the marriage, that would be "twisted?" Where I come from, valuing marriage is normal. Maybe not what you intended, but .. read what you wrote. Read it. You sound angry. There is something else in you that allowed you to consider ending the marriage, and NEVER DISCUSS IT with him. ??? Are you afraid of intimacy and honesty?

Married: 14 yrs. - Together for 24!!! ugh.
This is from your signature. Why. Why the negativity? Are you just showing us all your badge of pain? Are you just trying to show us all how much you hurt? I get that you hurt. Anyone who is here is hurting. But do you need to blame him for everything? "ugh" ?? It's rewriting your entire history because of how you feel now. Before you react, think about it. With 2 kids, was it really 24 years of "ugh"? What did YOU DO about it?

I hope in all this crap, I learn what I'm supposed to be learning. I miss smiling and having a great time without having a 20 pound weight of doom around my shoulders.
I hope you can learn that marriage is not a war and your husband is not your enemy. I hope you learn that you can decide to have happy feelings whether he is with you or not.

this blubbering idiot, smothering stuff, is sincerely driving me nuts.
So I am to understand that your husband is distressed about the prospect of ending the marriage, and you have zero compassion for him? None? He is "an idiot"? You don't come off as sounding very nice.

H was at a friends house a couple miles away during the evening and decided not to come home. No phone call, no help with the kids, nothing...on New Year's Eve.

I remember the distinct thought in my head. WELL, I'M ALONE. I'M COMPLETELY ALONE. That's when I let go. All my dependence on him was out the door - never to return.
So this is your M.O., then? Have a feeling, refuse to discuss it, bury it, and then nurture the hurt for a couple years before it is time to "spring it" on him and tell him the marriage is over. Ok, we get it.

did you consider maybe talking to him that night and saying "you know, I felt alone when you didn't call." No. You were hurt and then didn't talk about it. you made up your mind then and there that it was his fault. That he should know how you feel, whether you tell him or not. That he should read your mind. And when he failed to read your mind, and you failed to tell him, it was his fault, so you are perfectly justified in walking away from the marriage, much later.

I see how you roll.

Smells like fear of intimacy on your part.

[son] asked me a couple weeks ago why I said "I do"? and i said honey - i have no idea, but thank GOD I got you out of the deal.
You have erased all fond memories of your husband, it seems. You don't see it but you are destroying your kids, too. You are bathing them in disdain and enmity for your husband. They see it. They are soaking it in. This is what you want for your kids?

In all of our fighting, I have come to the conclusion that true love is extremely rare. Marriage is entered into too lightly. I want no part of it, it has shoved me halfway out the door.
This is a very immature, childish view. Sorry, but you are sounding like a spoiled child. True love like what you see in Hollywood is extremely rare, a fiction. True love on main street exists, and is common. It is the out-of-work husband who rubs his wife's feet at the end of the night after she worked all day at the grocery store. It is the woman who washes the soiled laundry of her husband every day. It is the people who bend their plans to accommodate the other person's social schedule, knowing that is how they would like to be treated. It is in the daily forgiveness that spouses show each other for large injuries and small.

Love has not shoved you out the door, as you said. You are walking out the door, of your own volition. You have the power to turn around and find love. Will you? It takes courage.

the H is home all weekend....uuuuugggghhh
Peace, the cynicism in your voice is saddening.

Tell me, what are you doing here? Why are you here?

If you want to work on your marriage, I have some suggestions.

• watch your language. Stop referring to your husband in terms like idiot and blubbering. Immediately ban the word "ugh" when referring to the time you spent in the past with your husband. or the future. Immediately.
• meditate. Start meditating on love, to re-create the feeling of goodwill in your heart. It is plain that there is none now. If you want to be married, you need to recreate it.
  Start now. Find books by Thich Nhat Hanh. "True Love" is good.
• Control your cynicism. Do it now. Stop playing that chord. We know you're good at it. Stop now. It will not help you, not in this relationship, or any future one.
• share responsibility. Stop blaming him for everything. Yes, I'm sure he wasn't perfect. Were you? Take your share and get down to work.
• Open to him. You say he is smothering but I haven't seen a single detail as to what that means. It is how you feel, I get it. From what I can tell, when he says "I want to work on this marriage" you feel "smothered." Maybe it is even worse! Maybe it is he wants to spend time with you - and that is smothering. Can you find a way to open to him? Is it possible that when you say he is smothering you, the actual truth is that you are avoiding him? You are running from the marriage?
• Consider Retrouvaille. You don't need a book. You need intensive care. It will help you to listen to and talk with your husband. Don't roll your eyes.