I'm so very pleased your H is finally coming around...and reading DR to boot! That's kind of funny, personally, because my first post on the BB was about how my W (in full-fledged WA-mode) was reading my copy of DR when I was trying to fix things... Ahh...brings back memories.
In any case, you've been so patient through all of this junk. Just give him time to let DR sink in. He's turned the corner and has had some recent revelations, but it will still take time. He's nowhere in the place where you are and it will require some catching up...so take it easy on him...
Anyway, my .02 given my own experiences about pushing a little too hard at the beginning of my W's turning point.
PnT..thanks for coming by..you were a great help...I ahve not read all of your posts..but from what I just read..things sound good...sometimes I forget it is hard work and constantly keeping the new changes going..it is easy to slip back to old habits. I hope for great things to come for you and your h..
I just read your threads (two most recent I believe) and am inspired by your efforts.
Also, thank you for the good advice on my thread (The idea of truly having no expectations and therefore not falling ill with disappointment). I was sinking again, but reading your advice and threads has helped quite a bit. Thanks.
Thanks for the advice. I've been wondering what the next step is. I had half way decided that the best thing I could do that would likely cause the least damage at this point, was to wait for him to contact me, and when he does stay focused on friendship.
Your post confirms for me that I should follow that plan. Thank you!
Thanks for visiting and your kind words of encouragement.
I think that coming back to the board and reading people's posts help me respond correctly to my husband during our talk.
And thank goodness for thoughts of KAW flashing through my head, when my husband said that he'd lied. OOO, that just burns me up when he lies. But, I think I handled that part well. I'm proud of myself, but sooo very grateful that being a part of this bb is helping me maintain control over my impulsive toungue!
Each and every post that I read, and each person that responds to my thread, helps me stay on track.
Oh boy, is it easy to fall back into old habits. Thank goodness I picked up DB and began to read again! For awhile there, this past month I was soo completely ready to give up. And now look!
I'm glad I was able to help. If you or anyone goes back and reads my past threads...and you see something pop out at you, please don't hesitate to point it out to me.
It's so difficult to see objectively in my own situation!
I've been thinking about re-reading my past threads, but am afraid that if I do, it'll bring up old hurts.
In any case, thank you for visiting, you well wishes and your encouragement!
In the past my husband used to lie to me on a regular basis and hide things from me pretty regularly.
I being who I was before I found DBing, went snooping (before we separated) and found 3 things that even today still bother me.
1) He tried to send flowers to someone anonymously.
(When I confronted him, he said he was going to send them to me to see how I responded...could be true as I was in the midst of an EA at the time with a friend's husband, the one who gave me a job in the midst of my depression. I quit my job when I realized that I was on the verge of making it a PA, I talked my monkey's ear off about this guy, so I wonder if he was jealous despite his saying he didn't care and to please shut up about this friend. I realize this is a whole nother can of worms. I did things that I would have been furious with my husband for doing. And I wonder if this is related to his unexpressed anger with me. Should I bring this up and apologize for hurting him?
2) I found where he had researched a hot air balloon ride
(When I confronted him, he said he was researching it to take me as a surprise but that it turned out to be too expensive.) and
3) I found out he had researched how much a trip to hawii FOR ONE PERSON would cost.
When I confronted him, he said a friend of his (a girl whom I suspected he was interested in) had gone and he wanted to know how much it cost her to go. His dream vacation is going to Hawii. She brought him back a really nice lighter.
At the time I took his word for it. Sort of...as obviously they still bug me.
One time I came home and found him leaving to go have lunch with this girl, by themselves. I blew up, told him he couldn't go...he invited me and I said no...he said ok..let me go tell her and he ran out and got into her car and left. However, I had been going out to lunches/dinners with my EA friend just the two of us, so this was really unfair of me.
All this adds up to circumstantial evidence that something may have been going on.
Wow, writing this all down makes me feel more ashamed of myself and I'm begining to believe he didn't cheat on me. He was just responding to my EA.)
And the fact that he lied to me again recently, brings all this back up.
He already knows that his lies make it difficult for me to trust him.
I rewarded his behaviour when he told me he had lied the other day. I know that's the right thing to do.
I tell myself he's lying to me about applying for the job in my town, because I told him apply or it's over. I know, I know...bad PnT!
That's when I had given up. Then I went back and began reading the book and bb again. I called him up, told him I understand his fears, and to take his time making up his mind about moving to my town.
So, I did do some damage control.
So, I could say, he was lying to keep me from saying it's over. Which could mean that he is afraid of losing me.
According to the "Stop Controlling Me" book, It's all about accepting imperfection. It is only when you can't accept yourself that the severity of your feelings of inadequacy goes up and you start hiding things from others.
This says to me that he lies out of self-esteem issues...has a hard time standing up to me and saying, "No, I'm not ready to do that yet."
Sigh.
Means I have a lot of work to do, in order to make him feel safe enough to tell me the truth.
I'm thinking I need to let it go for now...praise his efforts of telling me difficult truths...and ignore his lies? Not sure on that last one.
One thing that I've found helpful is doing the atkins diet.
I started doing it to help with weight loss, however what is keeping me on it, is I find that Carbs make me depressed! Whenever I went off my diet, I noticed a return of my depression/fatigue very quickly.
If anyone is interested you can visit the atkins site at www.atkins.com
There is a lot of controversy out there regarding this way of eating, so I sugest you do a lot of research before trying it.
It's helped me deal with my depression in a huge way and I hope that by pointing this out, to help someone else.
Hey PNT. One thing I realized with my W and why she has lied, or in some cases, has not told me the whole truth, is because she's afraid of my reaction. So, in the past I'd react in a way that would "tell" her not to communicate certain things to me. So, although somewhat cowardly (a harsh word, I know) and self-serving on her part, I can understand why she wouldn't want to tell be totally honest (I used to be quite judgemental).
Sounds like you are getting better with this, but, for me, I come back to the phrase, "make it easy for her to tell me things." Of course, you'd have to substitute the "her" for "him." And, in some cases, you'll have to bite your tongue, be very patient and just listen.
I know, I know...bad PnT! 