Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? The next stage, maybe

I know- they're lovely, although not as lovely as what I saw yesterday

Healthier is definitely better, and that's good news at least.

Good morning Julia,

How are you doing? How was your weekend?

ITH

(((Julia)))

Hope you had a great weekend! Looking forward to seeing the paino man tomorrow evening!

L. xx

(((ITH, OD, Ali)))

Ali - I have to say it was a natural progression for me, probably pushed by the fact that he has gone a step too far for me and also that I have been dwelling less and distracting myself more lately. However my post below negates that somewhat

Still nothing from H...

So, final proof that he has moved in with her ow wrote on my SIL's wall on FB

Hello! Welcome back. Sorry I am going to miss you tonight, but I am sure Mr (name) can handle giving you the tour.

All well?

Joanna x

Is she doing it to make sure I know?? Ok, not going to go down that path...

I have realised that one of my down points is waking up in the mornings - I tend to dwell and then that starts my day off bad. For example today I woke up this morning feeling a bit sick and anxious. I started getting paranoid that maybe I had made a mistake and they weren't together and I had reinforced h's view of me. Should I have carried on ignoring this stuff and been 'safe'? Jody said I was removing guilt by taking this action. However, it is a bit scary not knowing what he is going to say. There is not much point thinking about that as it is done.

Do I just stay dark? It is my inclination to just send a 'fun' text to let him off the hook so he doesn't feel badly/ negatively towards me. I think I probably shouldn't do that...

This weekend was fun but slightly stressful. I had a quiet day in the house on Saturday then I went to see 'Finding Nemo' on ice with my sister and nephews on Sunday. However my train was an hour and 20 mins late getting in so my sister was really stressed at me so it put a bit of a downer on the day. Apparently I should have gone up the night before... still, it was a good day overall.

Hey Julia,
I'm so sorry this is hard for you. I did wonder what you were hoping to achieve by the email, and now you are left waiting? No, I wouldnt send him a jokey text, probably not a good idea.

Also, no, that girl didnt post that message for your benefit. Its hard to bear, but you are not the focus for her, or SIL. Life has moved on and I'm sure they dont base their actions on you, so, no it is just what it is.

This is between you and your H. No, you havent made a mistake, he is dating someone else, you know that. No, it you havent reinforced any view.. he knows you are a nice, good person. His friendly messages about the cat and your job show that he has no bad feelings towards you. He just doesnt want to be in a romantic R with you, because he is in a romantic R with someone else right now.

What good would it do you to ignore it and remain 'safe' as you said? I dont think Jody has all the answers, she comes from a standpoint that all these men will have a change of heart.. looking at the advice she has given me, you, MrsM etc. But, thats not always the case.

The only option I think you have is to strip away the layers, empower yourself, be honest and either text/email or phone him and ask to have a conversation with him, if you really want to know?

I think the biggest thing to accept is, you and him dont really stand any kind of chance whilst he is engrossed in an R with someone else, especioally if he has just taken the decision to move in with that person and their R is at that stage right now. Things might change, but for now... Unless you get some positive sign from him, like he starts contacting you again tentitavely, or wants to meet up now and then, I dont think you can do anymore. It would be different if he were single (like Essies H seems to be).

Al x

(((Julia)))

I'm so sorry you saw that message on FB. The first thing that comes to mind is that you really need to find a way to not see those things. Can you change the privacy settings somehow? I don't think it does you any good to see these things being posted.

I don't think it'll help you think about her motivation in posting it. From what I can remember, she's young and naive, and she's a typical OW....

The goal of DBing is to save yourself and your M. You don't really need saving- you're together, confident, GALing for England and independent. The point of your actions should therefore be to save your M, assuming that's what you want to do. From that point of view, I think your best bet is to follow Jody's advice- wait and see what happens and how he responds to your letter.

I'd disagree on calling your H and having a conversation to discuss the exact situation and get it clear in your head (I think that's what you're suggesting Al?) because it will do the following things....

1. make him feel uncomfortable and push him away
2. force you to hear things that maybe you don't want to hear (think effects of snooping here)
3. make him more entrenched in his current actions (as any even vague hint to him that he's doing the wrong thing will make him feel even more like doing it).

You need to maintain a friendship with H to save the M when the OW crashes and burns. At some point it will (remember that this is a crisis affair/band-aid thing), and then he'll be more available to work on the R. IMHO the friendship is what you need to focus on rather than anything romantic. In the words of MWD, ask yourself whether your actions support your overall goal, and then if they do, do it. If they don't, stop doing them!

L. xx

Hi Julia,

Sorry you're feeling down. I have to agree with Lisa, assuming your primary goal at this point is to save the M. I know you will have heard this a thousand times, but if you really want to save the M, time is going to have to be your friend. As Lisa said, you'll have to focus on building a friendship with your H first, and just start to insert some doubt into his mind by being the person that you are and making him question his current path. IMO, by sending him that email, you have opened the door to friendship and made yourself a safe person to be around. Are you happy enough with that for the moment? You put a lot of thought into that email, and from what you said, it reflected the person who you are inside, the one who needs to set boundaries. I know you don't know what your H is going to say, but honestly Julia at this point what is the worst that he could say that you haven't heard before, and how could it impact you? I think you were very strong for sending that email, knowing that you may not get the favorable response that you would like. If he doesn't respond, this is him being unable to face up to his own issues, or being so wrapped up in his own world that he can't see past it. I would bet money that the email has had an impact on your H, even if he never discusses it with you.

I wouldn't call your H to talk things through (since you have tried talking things through with him in the past and not had success), unless you are ready to move on without him, and it doesn't sound to me like this is where you are at.

I'd stay dark at least for awhile and hopefully you will get some kind of response. If you don't hear from him after a certain period of time, and you want to "let him off the hook", you could always try a fun forward or something like that, but it is your choice whether you want to let him off the hook or not. Do you have any other "business" things you need to contact him about? Maybe you could wait to reach out until you have one of those?

I guess my main point from this post is that only you know when enough is enough, and only you know if you still have more to give. Marriages have come back from worse situations, so as long as no papers have been filed and signed, IMO, there is still hope.

ITH

Thank you!

Lisa, thank you for bringing my focus back. Your post really helped to clarify my mind which had begun spiraling rather. I think maybe more at the thought of receiving and email to begin with and then confusing itself into not receiving one. Actually the FB stuff didn't affect me. It kind of helped in a way to think I wasn't going mad and imagining it all, at least it was confirmation - that was the reason I looked. I woke up this morning wondering whether I had imagined the whole thing! And had made a big fool of myself... of course they could be housemates but Jody said that was very unlikely.

I had moved my focus individually onto me and my feelings and h and his feelings, not my marriage. My goal is still to save my marriage therefore you are right in that I need to work on building friendship etc. I suppose I am doubting my actions in sending the email as he had opened up correspondence before me sending that. I am wondering if I have shut it down again by talking/ addressing 'stuff'. But then, could I really have gone on ignoring it and Jody is the expert on this kind of thing. I'm just not very good a waiting and not having a plan... having a plan gets me through!

Ali, you are right I think that sending him a jokey text would not help. I need to let him be and not 'save' him/ fix things. As for me not being a factor in ow's life, I have to disagree. He is still married to me, we own a house together and he is still paying me a large portion of his salary each month towards the house. Also the fact that he hasn't told me about her and we don't seem to be making any headway towards divorce or selling the house would be a vexatious point to her. I also doubt he is slagging me off as he has no reason too. If I were her, I would be bothered.

I know that you did not mean to but some of the phrases you use are quite harsh. I know that my situation isn't exactly rosy at the moment but I am realistic, I do know the situation. Sometimes spelling it out to me can be quite hurtful, especially when I am down or vulnerable as I was feeling this morning. However, you are right that it is extra difficult when the WAS is involved with another person.

ITH, I am hurt and wanting resolution to the situation. Thank you for reminding me that time is my friend. There is no rush, I am trying to sticky plaster over the hurt by changing things (I have had a strong need to sell the house lately and start somewhere else). However, before I can do that I need to see out this email.

Friendship is all I want at the moment. I need to be his friend before anything else to see if I could actually be married to him again - he feels like a stranger to me, which is silly as he was my best friend for so long. Thank you also for reminding me that him not responding is his issue not mine. My email was in no way threatening and if he can't face what he has done he will have to one day.

I have to say the 'd' word has never been mentioned but then, he is pretending he isn't married at the moment (even deleting me from our honeymoon pictures so who knows). I think he will need to do some growing before he initiates divorce and that may mean accepting some stuff that he is busy distracting himself from at the moment. The business stuff we have to deal with is the house, so he will have to contact me eventually.

I suppose I haven't done a good job in getting it out of my mind today and have done no day job work either. To quote FG, I need to 'do work' even if I can't do anything about my relationship right now.

Oh dear, I was in a rush today! I'm really sorry Julia, I certainly didnt mean to sound harsh.

I cant remember who it was that told me, that until the ow is off the scene, or they are thinking of leaving them, then theres not much you can expect. But, yes, ride it out if thats your choice.

Naej gave me plenty of 2x4s when my ex first stopped contacting me. It turned out he was with an ow and he may now be living with her. Personally, I wouldnt be able to handle that, its painful enough to know he is dating her. But then, perhaps its an age thing, I am finding it hard to be left at this age and worried about my future. If you feel you have time to wait, then why not? i dont think he has any bad feelings towards you at all, not from what you have said and from his emails.

I agree, wouldnt be good to rush into selling the house! I was thinking about that.. I dont know if the new rate cut was advantageous for you, but could you offer to cover the mortgage all by yourself, so that he doesnt have to pay half? Then he wont be under pressure to sell and that would buy you more time? Just an idea.

I wonder when he will reply? You are doing a good job of distracting yourself, but it is hard, waiting.
Al x

Julia,

I am so sorry that you are hurting... this is going to be a quick post but I just wanted to let you know that I am reading and thinking of you!

((J))
T