Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis God grant me the patience and the strength...8

I don't agree with your definition of being detached but if that works for you then go with it!

I am glad that you are realizing there is need to help on the farm and all the work that shouldn't fall to one person. If it has always been your dream then your H should not have been the only one responsible. Please be careful in your new zeolusness to help that you don't get portrayed as clingy or following him around like a lost puppy. Learn and grow and next time you'll use your frustration to figure out a way around that stupid tractor.

I am not opposed to an ocassional snoop if you are prepared for the outcome. I relate it to checking a pulse. Note of caution - if your H is hanging around home and ow is in contact with him is there any way that can jeopardize your probation? don't get caught in any traps.

For you for now - Stay steady, stay quiet, H is watching everything.

WCW,
Please don't take this the wrong way. I don't always put into words correctly what I mean...but is being "detached" not wanting to be with my H anymore? Is it not hurting that he wants to go back to live somewhere else? Is it not loving him and loving being with him?

Isn't being detached to leave him to figure this out on his own. Leting him work through his troubles on his own. Not reacting to him. Not bugging him. Not asking questions. Isn't it just doing what makes ME happy?

The farm work, H has been now asking me to help. I may put it out there that I will, if he says no, I walk away and do something else. And WCW if there was a way the other night I would have figured it out. But the damb thing wouldn't start and time was limited and that was that. Still ticks me off.

OW really has no impact on me anymore. I wish her no bad nor good. She isn't worth my thoughts. BUT I am bugged about her saying that I "won". That is the most pathetic statement I've ever heard. I wish I could say something to H, in my defense but then would have to admit to snooping so will leave it alone. But it is bugging me.

I don't think that I can get into any trouble with him in contact with her. We don't talk about her except for maybe on occasion about this court stuff. I won't answer his phone. And he never offers anything about her calling or anything. I am praying that she meant what she said, that she won't call him anymore. I pray that they are done. I guess time will tell...

H is still here. He hasn't done anything yet to fix the pickup. Hasn't said a word about going back home anytime soon. Last night and this morning he really had an attitude. This morning I started out trying to make him laugh, lighten the mood. Didn't work so then I kind of gave it back. Before I left for work I walked up to him and planted a couple kisses on his lips. He gave me a growly look. I just smiled and walked away and said, "I know, you didn't want that but I wanted to so, have a good day". He said ya, you to. Tonight he was in a much better mood.

Another problem...I think D17 is having a real issue with H being here. She has had an attitude all week. I've asked her what is wrong but like her dad, she says "nothing". Tonight she kind of spilled her beans. H was gone to work. She said "when dad's around life is all about him". I said how can you say that to me. I am ALWAYS here for you. There was more to the conversation but we got no where and she's mad and I'm hurt. Time to let her cool off then we are going to have to sit down and talk.

Sometimes I feel like giving up on all of it. It sometimes feels like no matter what I do it's never enough for either of them. I sometimes think that maybe I should just dissappear. Then they all could be happier. I won't but the thought does cross my mind. I just feel so frustrated and torn in so many directions.

TOH:

MLC takes a long time as you know.

He may move in and out of your home several times and even if there is no ow for a time and he is still not back home, he needs to have his space. Just take it one day at a time. His moods will change just like the wind.

thanks mwg,
he really hasn't "moved" home he is just here because of truck being down. and I know your right about the space. I really have been struggling with this. I know that he needs time alone. And I want to give him that, but at the same time I was us to get the point that he'll "talk" to me.

this morning he came in and went right to the basement. I KNEW to leave him alone. But I went down and asked him if all was okay. He said yea, why. I said just wondered and went back up and finished getting ready for work. I did go back down and talked to him a little bit. We almost got into an argument about finances but didn't get that far. I was prepared for him to not be here when I got home. I was prepared for him to say he was getting the truck fixed and gone. None of it happened. Tonight I let him be. He was in a better mood.

It sure is windy in TOH's home

It will take him a long time for him to open up to you. It took my husband a few years before he said ILY amongst other things and talking.

Also, when he is over, try not to ask him questions and just let him be. He may see this as being pressured. Kind of pretend like he is not there and just give him room. If he wants to talk to you, he will come around. I am not saying to totally ignore him. Just give him space and peace and quiet.

this is where I struggle MWG, I don't want him to think that I dont want him here. Or that I don't enjoy having him here. Or that I don't care about him.

But then I believe what you are saying maybe just afraid to do something different. Like a quote I got at work.

"in order to have something you've never had. You must do something you've never done."

No, what I am saying is go about your business. Clean the kitchen, do some baking while he is doing his own thing. Just do something and at the same time give him his own space. Do not feel you have to ask him questions each time you see him.

When he comes over, kindly say hello, small talk.

It is very easy to do.

This is what I do. I say every morning "good morning". With a smile. When I leave for work I say "have a good day or sleep well". When he leaves at night for work, I say "have a good night". Questions are usually just to make conversation. And your right it is easy to be friendly to him. Even when I'm angry at him it seems one smile from him and I melt...

ex: last night when I left work, I was headed down the street and our grain truck appeared at a corner up ahead. It was H. It almost looked like he had come from up the street. I was instanly fuming. Had he been to OW's? But the gas station is there on that corner. Maybe that is where he was. Any way followed him home and was ticked and wanted to ask where he had been. But I thought...either I'll tick him off cuz I am accusing him, or he'll lie about it anyway. So I let it go and was just fine with him. As the night wore on and he talked about hauling the load to town. I THINK he was just coming from the station. So probably good I didn't just assume and let it go.

The part I am struggling with is leaving him alone, whether or not to. And it's hard in my house to find a place to "hide" in.

Question...

What about the "fun" stuff. When H is around I feel I cannot be real with him. If we ever get back together I want things to be different. There is so many things I see we should have done over the years. H tried some but by then it was too late. We were both spent.

This time if I feel like it I want to sit by him in a vehicle. Hold hands as we are walking. Cuddle with him on the couch. Give hugs just because. Kiss him as I'm walking by. Etc...

I think H wants to do these as well. But how do we get there? I am afraid to be this was with him because I don't want to push. But at the same time I think he needs to know that I want it as well. He keeps his distance to not give me false hopes. So here we stand with a huge wall between us.

Any ideas? Is it too soon? How will he know that it can be different if we both try?