Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy trying to be patient and strong 8

Just read your edit......that's nuts......have you been documenting his uninvolvement?

My L told me that I better hope my W gets a good L; because a crappy one makes the process more expensive by putting up BS motions.

(((Karen)))

Try to let the L do all the talking if you can. Stay focused on you and the k's.

Take care. And take the high road as often as you can.

I always try, and succeed most of the time. I'm a little worried about my glass-chewing L though. She sends nasty emails and letters to H's L, she's equal-opportunity rude to everyone I think. Do you think I should say something to her Monday reminding her I have to have an R with him for the next 9 years so would appreciate a fairly civil tone if possible? It's tough b/c I know my H is kind of the same personality as my L so don't want her to go too soft, but I don't think that's gonna be a problem! Any thoughts on this???? Karen

Yep, although H is a L too, so should try to rein in his L, should know what is necessary or not. But big-time denial and I'm guessing his L promised him the moon and everything he wanted. My L did the same saying I'll be so much better off I should file for D right away. Of course, when it's done, I think no one will be the winner in this I don't think.

I did document this stuff. My L says she will ask me the kind of ?s about H's involvement at deposition or court and I will be truthful. But I think some of it is he said/she said. I think H sees himself as an involved, loving dad which he has often been at least before the A the times when he was home.

My d8 was fine with him moving out b/c she says she sees him more now than when he lived with us. (He spends 2 hours on Tuesday and usually Friday night and returns them sometime Saturday in the afternoon.) I'm not too worried about this, no matter what happens I'll be ok and if H crashes and burns I will be there to help out hopefully. Karen

(((Karen)))
I have had to put a leash on my L. We are in respond mode for the most part. And respond in a calm tone - fairly civil. I think my L wants to go crazy on her but I won't let him - yet.

Karen,

Your H is smoking something if he seriously thinks he can wrest full custody away from you. He's either trying to bluff his way into more concessions from you, or he thinks he can somehow prove you unfit -- not likely by any stretch.

I still think he's dangerous however, if for no other reason than he's willing to put such an expensive motion before a judge. With any luck, the judge will not only be unamused but ready to slap him down for silliness.

Hang in there, lady.

The interesting thing is if we were going through the D a year ago, he might have been able to get full custody. You know I was seriously depressed, a total basketcase at the time of the bomb/my brother's brain tumor and at least the 2 years before.

I didn't realize it until recently (which I'm glad b/c it would have been a lot of pressure), but DBing, (therapy and ADs too) didn't save my M, but probably will help me save my custody of the kids. I was seriously depressed, and if I had stayed that way I'm guessing H was planning on me staying that way so he could get everything he wanted (or thinks he wants anyway). There is a part of me that even wonders if he was verbally abusing/namecalling me to ensure that I would be a mess, lose custody, etc. but surely no one could be like that I would hope.... Karen

Sorry to burst your bubble but yes there are mean people out there that think that way. It is called abuse, in your case verbal and hopefully not physical. So strange that our society doesn't think much of it if there aren't bruises and broken bones to show the pain.

Yes DB saved you and your kids from the horrible man your H has become.

kat

Karen, I couldn't say one way or the other. But I will say that a very similar thought has played in my mind for some time now. Since the bomb I have recognized that my W had been pulling back from me mentally, emotionally and spiritually for quite some time prior, and that was the real sub-conscious source to my own depression. I have been thinking that maybe my depression was, if not an intentional outcome, then a welcome side-effect to her actions. In fact, the more paranoid thought is that she would have welcomed me becoming so deeply depressed that I would take myself out of the picture for her, through a nervous breakdown ...or worse.

But like you said, surely no one could be like that, right?