As always, appreciate your insight Tim! Knew I would wake up & get my earful this morning!
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Think of OM as a drug. She is addicted to him, he makes her feel special and loved. She is not going to give him up easily. You know everything you need to know, checking her history and having spy ware on your computer is going to do nothing but give you more heartache and cause you to back slide like you did last night. STOP SNOOPING!!!! It will only drive her into his arms quicker and prove that you will never trust her again.
Honestly I was trying to figure out how she had found & disabled the key logging software. Only reason I went into her profile to look. Figured it out but then curiosity got the best of me. Have learned in past ignorance is bliss when it comes to getting answers to questions you do not want answers to. Yes all it did was validate her fears that I will not trust her - gee I said that to her on the phone!
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Your in competition with a dream, a fantasy and it is going to be difficult to break that. Your the better man, father and husband. You were showing her your good side, you need to keep showing her that side. By allowing her to use your PC and then checking up on her for using it showed her the lack of trust you have in her. Whether she was testing you or not does not matter at this point. Whether she is planning on going back to AK does not matter at this point.
What matters is how you act and how you respond to your W. You are not a fool or a failure for fighting for your M. You know what she has done, you know what she is planning on doing but you have not walked, you have not given up on your M and that makes you a very strong person not a fool.
Get up, dust yourself off and move forward from here. Get your PMA back and get back to work. EXPECT NOTHING FROM HER!!!! You are doing this for you and not her. You are doing this to make you a better person not to save your M. You are doing this to be a great father not to be her husband. Get this through your head.
This is the conclusion I came to after couple hours of dealing with my emotions & thinking things through. Lost sight of fact that w is divorcing me, that she is free to do what she wants, make her own decisions. I have a choice in how I react to those choices & just showed I have a ways to go in dealing with my own emotions.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Put yourself in her shoes about what you did and how you reacted and see how it comes off. I am not defending her or her actions but is what you did consistent with the person you want to be. Next time you find something, stop, wait 24 hours and then think about what you want to do. Get the emotions out of your reactions and once you can do that then you will know that you have detached from her.
Great advice on the 24hr rule. My mind is much clearer after processing everything & calming down. If I had it to do over I would put myself in her shoes & look at what she is doing from that perspective. Need to stay objective. Thanks!
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Its going to take many, many months maybe even over a year to get her to feel connected to you again. Remember I said its a marathon not a sprint. Its going on two years for me since I started and you see where I am at. Do you have the fortitude to do that. I hope so because its not easy but the best things in life are the ones we have to work for.
You have the patience of a saint! How do you deal with heartache? Just wells up inside me. I actually came home from work last night & cried for 10 minutes just to release some of the anguish I had from missing my w. I know that played into my emotions when I reacted to what I found.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Ok I have put my 2x4 away. Nothing you can do about it now. Forget about it and move forward. You doing well, we all have back slides. The key is to learn from it and try and stop making them. I have faith in you that it will all work out for the best. You goal is to be friends with her and nothing else. So treat her like a friend and see where it goes from there. Friends trust each other and respect each others privacy. You are the bigger person and need to stay on the high road and come out of this with your head held high saying that you did everything possible and can move on knowing that you did your best. And that is all that anybody can ask of themselves.
Before I went to bed I sent a quick txt to w phone: "You are free to do what you want. I read into things too much. Sorry"
Had response from w "I have a lot to work on for me. Sorry if I disrespected you"
Thought about telling w that the way I have been treating her over past 2 weeks is how I plan on treating my w for the rest of her life. But that you have made a choice to leave the m so I cannot continue to be that way towards you - token gifts showing my appreciation, buying lunch/dinner, telling her how much I appreciate her, etc. Just realize doing so would be sort of punishment for her not dropping OM & wanting to come back - really serves no purpose.
So, just going to be myself this morning. Treat her no different from way I have been. W may want to discuss issues - she said she would come by 30 mins early this morning - up earlier than normal just to be ready. I plan to just hear her out, listen & validate. Nothing for me to say except to apologize for violating her trust but do ask that she respect me by not doing anything related to OM in my house. Will post later what happens.
Have mindset that she is not coming back - helps with dropping expectations & heartache. Just have to get back to focusing on myself & the kids. Put off painting my bedroom but taped it last night & will do that now on Sunday. Worked out last night & need to get back on track with that. Going to Vegas for couple days at Thanksgiving to visit a cousin & get a break from kids & w.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
As always, appreciate your insight Tim! Knew I would wake up & get my earful this morning!
We all post stuff here knowing that we are going to get wacked. You just needed to be reminded of what you already knew.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
This is the conclusion I came to after couple hours of dealing with my emotions & thinking things through. Lost sight of fact that w is divorcing me, that she is free to do what she wants, make her own decisions. I have a choice in how I react to those choices & just showed I have a ways to go in dealing with my own emotions.
Emotions suck when dealing with all this BS. That is why taking a deep breath and giving yourself 24 hours to react to any given emotional situation helps us not to do or say something stupid. Forget about it and move on. Don't dwell on the past, you cannot change it so why waste time on it.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
You have the patience of a saint! How do you deal with heartache? Just wells up inside me. I actually came home from work last night & cried for 10 minutes just to release some of the anguish I had from missing my w. I know that played into my emotions when I reacted to what I found.
Do me a favor and go find the thread by SmartCookie that she restarted called "Look inside one AWAW". Read what she has written. She wrote it many months ago but reposted it again. If that does not give you the motivation and understanding of what you W has been through nothing will. Print it out and read it each time life gets tough or you feel like quitting. Its one heck of a motivator. Patience is learned, add it to your list of things to do. If you don't already have enough.
As for the heartache, not much you can do about it. Cry, go work out, post here, talk to a C. Not much else you can do about it. Sucks waking up and realizing what a DAM you have been all these years. Forgive yourself and move on. Be happy you woke up from it at all, so many men out there are still DAM's and always will be.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
Before I went to bed I sent a quick txt to w phone: "You are free to do what you want. I read into things too much. Sorry"
Had response from w "I have a lot to work on for me. Sorry if I disrespected you"
Thought about telling w that the way I have been treating her over past 2 weeks is how I plan on treating my w for the rest of her life. But that you have made a choice to leave the m so I cannot continue to be that way towards you - token gifts showing my appreciation, buying lunch/dinner, telling her how much I appreciate her, etc. Just realize doing so would be sort of punishment for her not dropping OM & wanting to come back - really serves no purpose.
So, just going to be myself this morning. Treat her no different from way I have been. W may want to discuss issues - she said she would come by 30 mins early this morning - up earlier than normal just to be ready. I plan to just hear her out, listen & validate. Nothing for me to say except to apologize for violating her trust but do ask that she respect me by not doing anything related to OM in my house. Will post later what happens.
Have mindset that she is not coming back - helps with dropping expectations & heartache. Just have to get back to focusing on myself & the kids. Put off painting my bedroom but taped it last night & will do that now on Sunday. Worked out last night & need to get back on track with that. Going to Vegas for couple days at Thanksgiving to visit a cousin & get a break from kids & w.
Short and sweet text to her that is good. Avoid any deep conversations over the phone, email and text. Its hard to see her reaction and stuff gets miss interpeted. Anything deep do the 24 hour deal and post it here first, look it over the next day and then send it if you want to. One day will not change the message but it will help you detach yourself from the emotions that had you writting it in the first place.
I think I told you I have many letters written to my W that were never sent because I thought about it over night. You can do this just relax, have fun in Vegas and enjoy your kids. Worry about what you can control, yourself, and let go of that which you cannot, your W, your M/R.
{{{Kak}}} Hang in there my friend..you are doing a GREAT job of moving forward and we all have moments of backsliding and I know I would be the same as you, seeing good improvement in your spouse so you want to jump 5 spaces ahead..
Just keep on being the BEST YOU for YOU..you are making such great strides forward..don't let this slow your progress
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Do me a favor and go find the thread by SmartCookie that she restarted called "Look inside one AWAW". Read what she has written. She wrote it many months ago but reposted it again. If that does not give you the motivation and understanding of what you W has been through nothing will. Print it out and read it each time life gets tough or you feel like quitting. Its one heck of a motivator. Patience is learned, add it to your list of things to do. If you don't already have enough.
I found that original post & bookmarked it. One of many things that got me to start putting myself in w's shoes & look at m through her eyes. I read so many sitchs here - post only a a few. Working on patience - just very difficult when you let your emotions get best of you.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
As for the heartache, not much you can do about it. Cry, go work out, post here, talk to a C. Not much else you can do about it. Sucks waking up and realizing what a DAM you have been all these years. Forgive yourself and move on. Be happy you woke up from it at all, so many men out there are still DAM's and always will be.
I am very happy to have woken from my DAM fog as well as escaping my anger trap. Mind is so much clearer now & feel great about myself.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Short and sweet text to her that is good. Avoid any deep conversations over the phone, email and text. Its hard to see her reaction and stuff gets miss interpreted. Anything deep do the 24 hour deal and post it here first, look it over the next day and then send it if you want to. One day will not change the message but it will help you detach yourself from the emotions that had you writing it in the first place.
I think I told you I have many letters written to my W that were never sent because I thought about it over night. You can do this just relax, have fun in Vegas and enjoy your kids. Worry about what you can control, yourself, and let go of that which you cannot, your W, your M/R.
Tim
Thanks. Will use the board & the 24hr rule in future when dealing with something that I feel need to address with w.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
PM, First off thanks for dropping by. Will catch up on your sitch & return the favor.
Originally Posted By: PositivelyMommy
Katatal, keep up the good work. I think we are at the same stage emotionally at the moment. DB'ing like crazy trying and hoping that our WAS would notice the difference. But Tim is right, we need to be a friend now and not expect anything otherwise we are the ones who will get hurt and I am DONE being hurt. Had enough and don't need anymore, thank you.
I have had my share of snooping and confrontation. But nothing good came from any of it, my curiosity was satisfied but so what. It changed nothing, the situation remained the same and our R suffered from the confrontation. It took a few months but I finally stopped snooping. I feel like I am flying blind at the moment but also a lot less hurt. I think I like this option better.
Sounds like you are really beginning to think things through. You are doing good work on yourself.
I haven't snooped into w's dealings since Mid-Sept. Like I said I was trying to figure out how she found key logging software since she isn't too computer savvy to figure it out herself. Then curiosity got best of me & now I am dealing with the results.
Not happy I snooped but feel better knowing that OM is still in picture. Had convinced myself things with him were done but did so based on assumptions. Mistake on my part that I will not be repeating.
I am also tired of being hurt but realize that I am hurting myself by getting my hopes up about the sitch. Trying to complete the journey now instead of just being patient & working on myself. Kept thinking last night that I wish D was already final so I could just move on & not have to get hurt anymore. But that is just hurt talking - want nothing more than to have time to work on me & hope w gets her issues resolved & wants to work on M.
Thanks for the support.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
{{{Kak}}} Hang in there my friend..you are doing a GREAT job of moving forward and we all have moments of backsliding and I know I would be the same as you, seeing good improvement in your spouse so you want to jump 5 spaces ahead..
Just keep on being the BEST YOU for YOU..you are making such great strides forward..don't let this slow your progress
Tawnya
Yeah trying to jump ahead when my feet are stuck in the muck just results in losing my shoes! Dose of reality is what I needed so I am glad to have gotten it. Now back to our regularly scheduled program of working on me!
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
W showed up to pick up kids - rang front door instead of coming through garage. Asked why she didn't just do the usual & she said she didn't know what to expect from me. Told her nothing has changed for me. Sorry that I again showed her that as much as I tell her she can trust me, my actions are not proving it. Violated her privacy & for that I apologize.
W said that she has a lot of things she needs to work out. Reason why she wants her space & time. Doesn't want to come back for guilt or any reason other than it's what she wants to do. Told her I understood. She said she doesn't want to talk about her feelings because what she feared would happen did. It got my hopes up & now she feels bad for doing that. I said I was fine now - got a better perspective on things. W said this is why she just wants to be friends & figure things out. Told her that I just didn't know how we would reconnect if we were not able to discuss feelings & that I would work on dropping all my expectations since OM was still in picture. No sense getting my hopes up since I do not feel this is a competition I need to participate in - her decision as to what she wants & for now she wants a D.
Then just spent few minutes staring at each other. Really wanted to reach out to her, hold her, say I was sorry. W said she was sorry for violating my trust in her. I said thanks & just asked that nothing to do with OM occur in my house. Asked that she put herself in my shoes & realize that it is very hard to deal with.
D9 was in car, door from kitchen to garage was being held open by w. D2 goes along to car & w says "that child has some anger issues" I retort "gee, wonder where she gets that from" W just looks at me & laughs with big smile. Smile back - tension breaker.
I then stare at w, reach my hand & touch her cheek. Tell her that part of me just wants to reach out & touch her. But part of me knows that is not what you want. Hard to find the balance point for me in dealing with you. I am trying my best & last night I slipped.
Then asked her if she felt when she came by I was going to ask for the house key back, to tell her she wasn't welcome here anymore, to basically get out. She said yes, that is what she was expecting. I said that is what I thought about last night. But that I realized that is not who I want to be anymore, not how I want to act. She thanked me for acknowledging this. Felt this was best part of the entire conversation.
Said bye to kids, gave w hug but realized as soon as I did it it wasn't received well & won't do it again - just keep to myself!
Talked with D9 on way to school. A van pulls up next to us that looked like it had been 4x4ing in the desert - caked on mud. D says "Gee, that car needs to be washed." I look over & just laugh, she laughs. Realized that I need to just get a grip, enjoy the day & get on with life. Worrying about what I cannot control just sucks the life out of you & you start to miss out on your own life. No more of that for me.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
[/quote]Thought about telling w that the way I have been treating her over past 2 weeks is how I plan on treating my w for the rest of her life. But that you have made a choice to leave the m so I cannot continue to be that way towards you - token gifts showing my appreciation, buying lunch/dinner, telling her how much I appreciate her, etc. Just realize doing so would be sort of punishment for her not dropping OM & wanting to come back - really serves no purpose. [/quote]
This is something you may want to think about. It's OK to tell her the R will change once D happens, just take the emtions out of it. To be that's honest and not a threat. Before you do this, put yourself in her shoes and figure out how to approach her. Just my $.02
Thought about telling w that the way I have been treating her over past 2 weeks is how I plan on treating my w for the rest of her life. But that you have made a choice to leave the m so I cannot continue to be that way towards you - token gifts showing my appreciation, buying lunch/dinner, telling her how much I appreciate her, etc. Just realize doing so would be sort of punishment for her not dropping OM & wanting to come back - really serves no purpose.
This is something you may want to think about. It's OK to tell her the R will change once D happens, just take the emtions out of it. To be that's honest and not a threat. Before you do this, put yourself in her shoes and figure out how to approach her. Just my $.02
To me this is the difference between the Tough Love vs DB approach to my sitch.
To continue to DB would mean to act as if OM doesn't matter, just be myself & do what I want to do in regards to how I treat my w - be nice with no expectations. Felt great to see results but got my hopes up way too early that my actions were making a bigger difference than I now realize. I can continue to try to meet her needs (LL is WOA & AOS) & try my best to drop all expectations.
Tough Love would be to tell her the above & then withdraw from her. Still be friendly towards her but stop meeting her needs, stop pursuing. With OM still in picture just wasting my time competing. She needs to end it with him before I will start to meet her needs again as I have shown I can over past 2 weeks.
Don't really know what to do. W wants to work on being friends & then see what happens. Two ways to look at this desire of hers:
Tough Love - Wants to know I am still here so that she has her fall back plan in case things with OM fizzle. Cake eating - things with me back to way they were prior to her last trip to AK.
I want to make it clear that is not my intent to be anyone's 2nd option. I will be fine if D is the result of her choices.
DB - Keep trying to meet her needs, be the more attractive choice. Work on being friends with W; reconnecting with W
How is that possible without discussing feelings & keeping expectations to a minimum?
Would appreciate anyone & everyone's thoughts..Thanks
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
