Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Maybe I should be in piecing part 2?

Yep, yep, yep to the last 3 posts.

I know Pup. And you know I completely respect your opinions and advise.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stupid for playing things a certain way, but I guess I've done enough of the hard a** and compassionate a** to get us to at least a fair shot at saving our marriage. I just know my W does not respond to anyone telling her what she can and can't do. And the only way we'll get where we both want to go is for right now at least, me giving her some space and time without any demands on her.

I'd be interested in some other WAW's comments on this next part. Some people have A's because they are truly unhappy in their marriages. Others have one because they're in a pretty decent marriage and don't protect themselves from what's going on before it's too late to stop. Others have an A as a cry for attention. I'm sure there are a 1000 other reasons. In my marriage, looking at it objectionally for a long time now, I think my W's A was a result of probably a couple of those things. She didn't protect herself and probably as a drastic way for her to get me to see there were some things bugging her.

So if an A happens, not becuase a person is totally miserable in their marriage but for one of the other reasons, does it make sense that once the behavior that led to the affair is changed that the A partner will become insignificant and the wayward spouse will find their way back to the marriage?

I appreciate the props Pup. You help so many people here. It's just amazing. If I'm ever in NE Fla, I'm looking ya up. Beer and cigars on me!

The problem with that is, physiologically, even BAD contact is "contact," and re-stimulates the brain, and delays the onset of further withdrawal.

Puppy

I was totally miserable. But, just the letter I got from H today made me think OM Who? (It's posted on my thread) But you couldn't have told me that at the beginning of this year.

So I think WHATEVER the reason, if the reasons are addressed...it can happen. That the A partner can become insignificant. And her A partner is a loser. So there you go.

Yes. But trust me on this. Things will be said. Things she doesn't like. That will start turning that brain stimulation into something negative instead of positive.

And you overrate that stuff...IMO. Women's minds are more than the sum of their brain chemicals.

Thanks Break. I know you're new to my thread so let me tell you a few more details from probably 5 or so versions ago.

Back in July OMW told me she was going to subpoena me in her divorce trial. I went home and told W about it. W asked why I needed to do that and I told her OM was contesting his W filing on the grounds of adultery. My W said "duh". She then said "I didn't know anything about that". I told her I believed her. I asked when was the last time she talked to OM and she said a while ago and that he'd moved on.

So this exchange happened.

Me: Yes, he has moved on. In fact, OMW is pretty sure he had another GF last fall when you were still seeing him (blank look from W).
W: I don't know anything about that.
Me: As long as we're sharing, remember last Oct when OM was going home to talk to his W about a D so you could D me and you guys could be together?
W: (looking down at the floor says softly), I don't know what you're talking about.
Me: Well, you remember the weekend he told you he was going home in Oct?
W: I know he went home in late Oct.
Me: No he didn't. OMW told me he was home a weekend in Sept and then not until Thanksgiving, so he was lying to you about getting a divorce so you could be together.
W: (very softly looking at the floor) I don't know anything about that.

From that day for the next week or so, W was spending lots of time in the bedroom alone. A couple weeks later we went to Disney as a family and had a great time. Things began improving.

about the beginning of Sept, W did something (I don't even remember what) and I told her I couldn't keep going without even a commitment that she wanted to try. She sent me an email telling me the A was all my fault etc. I sent her a basic F you response. From that day forward things have been better and better. Then in late Oct we went to Disney, just the two of us (met another couple there for a few days) and a few days into the trip we ML for the first time in 14 months. And it wasn't just once. Multiple times and it continued when we got back home. But her first day back to work she changed. Moved back to the couch. I'm suspecting that after the trip she got scared and contacted OM, but that's an assumption, but it seems right because she was definitely different for a week, but then the weekend came and she changed again and it's been good since.

So Break, in your opinion (and anyone else that wants to comment), was she NC for about 3 months and we started to connect and it scared her and she contacted him when we got back and she was in a funk for a week or so but then we had another great weekend together and she's back to NC now?

I'm sure connecting might have scared her. There's this...my H and I get along GREAT on vacation. In fact, if we never were at home we could live peacably, LOL. I am not kidding. Home is where the stress is.

You're assuming SHE contacts HIM. Guys like that, or any guy really...somehow know just when to appear. Just think about dating. Remember dating? And breaking up? Who ever broke up one day and never had some regrettable conversations with the person later. Just because you're married, doesn't mean some of that sh!t doesn't play itself out.

Just think! He has to defend his bullsh!t and lies. Trust me, trust me, trust me. Brain chemicals aside...he has no leg to stand on. He CANNOT win.

There is also the law of diminishing returns. The "fix" or "high" is spoiled. It's like finding a bug in your dessert. And he's a big ole cockroach.

I know what you're saying about vacation, but we've been getting along great at home also. I'd like to think that a lot has to do with me working on the things that bugged her (and I realize now I do/did need to work on for not just her but everyone).

I think W is the one to do the contacting (if it's happening). OMW told me his ego is HUGE. So I just picture him sitting back loving the fact that my W may be contacting him. And I'm sure he just plays her even more because he obviously gets off on women needing him. Ok another quick story and then it's coffee break time.

OMW told me one time about 10 years ago, OM told her he was going to the store. 10 hours later when he wasn't home she went looking for him and found him at a bar with some hot blonde hanging all over him. OMW told him it was time to come home and he told her to F off that he was staying.

Nice guy huh? Anyway, I think the point is, OM likes women to pursue him. And maybe my W is the one that did the pursuing. OM told his W that he tried to break it off with my W multiple times and she just kept pressuring him to get back together. Now I'm sure that could very likely be a story to get his W to not divorce him, but it could be true. If he's the player we suspect, if my W started pressuring him for more, then he probably did want to end it and just move on to the next victim.

You have to understand how guys like that work...they get people to pursue them. I have a quote from a book somehwere I have to find for you. I'm sure OM is lying to his wife about trying to push your W off. Get real. He sounds like he's lying when his lips are moving.

Breakaway, I think you HIGHLY underestimate the sheer addictive pull of PEAs (brain "love" chemicals). Research them. It's more addictive than cocaine, even. It's what made an otherwise sane, intelligent adult female astraunaut drive across country wearing an adult diaper, so she wouldn't have to stop for bathroom breaks, so she could go avenge her man a little bit sooner.

Can it (reconciliation, without no-contact) be done? Sure. But it's 25x harder. It just makes sense to me, those that take the approach of "the first thing you have to do is separate the addict from the source of their addiction."

Q: How many times does the cockroach appear to be the better choice at the time, and only later does one say "OMG, what was I thinking -- he was a cockroach!!!"

Puppy