Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I think I'm done......saddened, but strong.....

S,
It's one day at a time for you now. You were quite busy today and hopefully it helped a bit.

I believe you've been shown by a higher power that it is not in the cards for you to speak to her. I would leave it a lone. The questions, the wanting to know why, are all part of your journey. We all have questioned ourselves, the spouses and yes, even the ops, but the answers will not come until much later. Me, personally, I wouldn't want to hear what she had to say because it's going to be tainted with stories that your h made up to justify why he was doing it. Your h most likely rewrote history to justify his behavior and, of course, she listened and validated his self doubts, loneliness, etc. Of course, you were painted in a dim light and this woman believed him when he told her his feelings.

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about the past, but you can work on the present and look to the future. Allow him time to seek the support of the MC and have a safe place for him to land. He may very well tell you himself why the affair took place. If he does, listen closely and do not question and/or argue w/him. He will need to feel safe and comfortable w/you in order to tell you.

What are your plans for Thanksgiving? Are you going to invite him over for the family holiday? If you are, leave the invitation as an "open" one and allow him to decide for himself if he wants to be a part of the "family" holiday. During this time, please keep your expectations at zero and remember, he's viewing his life differently from what you are. No amount of talking will bring him home and back into your arms right now. He's on a journey of self discovery and will need to come to realize on his own that he had it all...right there w/you.

S, I do hope that you'll find some peace as you make this journey. It hurts like heck, but you will survive and you will be stronger and wiser for this experience (it's not one that any of us would wish on someone else). BTW "After the Affair" is an excellent book.

Take care.

Cheer,
You impressed me. You said what needed to be said, you cleared relationship w/your son, and you managed to hold your dignity.

Do not go to OW. You should not contact her unless you need to and there aren't too many compelling reasons to need that contact.

Your H is spinning round and round but you are seeing remorse and regret, albeit indirectly. I think you are wise to hold way back.

Wow, Dawn. Thank you so much for your post! I think that was the most constructive way to look at this that I have heard of. A broken bone healed properly is stronger. I like that thought. It gives hope. But, I too don't know how I'll ever get past this. I know that I too have responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage, and I believe enough in the value of family and marriage that I would want to try, but I also know that to get past something like this would take great effort on the part of my H to help me get past this, and I don't think he has the character, courage or even desire to do what it would take. I really don't! I am glad that he at least seems to have some remorse for the paid he caused our son, but he doesn't seem to have any remorse for his part in the loss of the marriage/family, or me.

I have been so depressed and weepy all day. When stayed in bed all morning and then cleaned house and kept stopping every few minutes to just sob! I know that this is just the depression setting in after the numbness of shock is wearing off, but I hate it! I can't let my S17 see me like this because then he might feel guilty about telling me the truth and that would just kill me. He went to a friend's today, so I guess my body felt it was OK to fall apart. I also called my MIL. She is very supportive. I can talk to friends and such who support me, but I find it helpful to talk to someone who also loves and is concerned about H.

(((((Snodderly)))))

Thanks for your continued support. I am not a religeous person at all, but I do definitely know that there are "forces" in the world we don't begin to understand (to think otherwise is just arrogant). Whether to call that God, or Karma, or Fate, or Nature, doesn't matter as far as I am concerned. But I do think that we are wise to be open to it and thankful for it's help in our journey.

I find myself second guessing all that I do. My recent contacts with H have been hard for him I think. A couple years ago the CEO of his company (a "Christian" organization) was "outed" as having had an affair with an employee. He then left his wife of 20+ years and married this woman, who now no longer works for the company. The CEO kept his job because the board felt they were in such a critical period with building a new facility and all, that to loose the CEO would be too much upheval. My H's immediate boss and his wife have been together since the kindergarten. H's "best friend" at work is a woman who's father was a minister and who told the CEO during their "retreat weekend to clear the air" that she would never respect him again for his lack of morals.

So, in my converstaions with H, I have told him that he is no different than this CEO that he thinks is the scum of the earth! And how would his boss and friend feel if they knew of this affair with his employee? H, of course, says it's not their business, which is absolutely true, and I'm not saying he should bare his soul to them, but I told him that I still didn't understand how he could look these people he cares about and respects so much in the eye and know that he is a hypocrit and they don't know him at all! That coupled with picture he has finally had to face up to of himself teaching our S17 how to drink and smoke and cheat and keep the secret (man law). Well, I just don't know. If this doesn't make him "hit bottom", nothing will. And even still, I don't think he has any remorse for the breakdown of the marriage/family.

So, now I don't know if I can turn and the the "safe place to fall". I think he's going to MC still because of some guilt about S17 and to show that he "tried". But, historically he has not been honest and open even in therapy, so it doesn't do much good.

As for Thanksgiving, I plan to take my S17 to our "dream house" and have a 4-day weekend with just us. My mom said she would make a turkey if anyone wanted, but I feel a need to be with MY family. I had hoped, and it was planned that the holidays this year would be with US. But H has been invited to his friend at work's house (the one with minister dad). So, he plans to go there I think. But, I still plan to spend some good time with my S17. My D24 might come too given the circumstances. She had originally planned to be with fiance's family, but now she might come with us. So, it might be just me and my kids. That would be a good thing. One thing I am glad for in all of this is my improved relationship with my kids! They are the light of my life!

S17 just wrecked the car!! Where does it end???!!!

I talked to H this morning on the phone. I told him I was seeing an Attorney (I'm not one to keep secrets....that's just not in me). He asked me why I thought we needed one. I told him that I don't want this but he seems very adamant and I need to protect myself. He said he understood. Then he said he "wanted to change" and that he "didn't want to hurt me". I asked him what he meant by wanting to "change". He said he just wanted to be alone. I told him that I understood that and the desire to "run to freedom" was normal for mid-life crisis. He said that maybe he "should read some of those books of mine". I told him that I truthfully wasn't sure if I could get past the infidelity, and that to even try would require a lot of understanding and effort on his part that I just don't think he has the courage or character to give, but that I still believed in marriage and family and that I would be willing to try. I told him that my biggest fear is of making a mistake and regretting it later, and from what I've read, men in mid-life crisis often regret decision made in the "fog". He said he doesn't "feel depressed" so he's not sure that's it. And I told him, I understood that because I didn't feel depressed for the last few years of our marriage, I just felt sleepy ALL the time!

So, he's willing to go to MC and/or IC and be more honest. I told him that our C also felt H had be dishonest and that C can't help if H won't man up to the truth. C even got teary and had to take a few minutes away, which seemed to get to H when I told him. I couldn't see if he was crying on the phone but his voice was shaky. So, in the end I told H that I only wanted to take things one day at a time and see where it went and to just be open and honest. He agreed.

So, now my dilema is this. His lease is up at year end. We can't afford for him to keep his apt. But, I'm afraid to bring H back into the house! I don't think I can sleep next to him in our bed, but I am NOT letting that bed in his apt back in my home!! Would it be a good thing to be under the same roof to help build back some connection? I'm not even sure H is willing to move back in, although I don't know what he thinks his alternative is. He really thinks he just doesn't want to be with me anymore, no matter how much I have changed, he thinks it's too much water under the dam (and once he sets his mind on something, changing it is almost impossible!) So, am I just setting myself up for more pain to even look for hope? I know I should have no expectations, but I'm scared to death!! What should I do???? Even his mother thinks he won't change. He just wants what he wants and he's always been that way. My whole family and my kids, even S17 who loves his dad dearly thinks I am better off without him. My sister, who I respect and admire says I alread know deep down that it's "over" but I just need to accept it. But she's a lesbian and therefore not very sympathetic to "men" and is so independent that she has not been successful in her own relationships. {although she has been a great help in my own self growth}.

What should I do??????

S,
Your h has to be the one to decide if he wants to come back home and live under the same roof w/you when his lease is up. If he opts to return home, nothing says he has to sleep in the same room w/you. Do you have a quiet guest room available? If the time should arise and he mentions locating a new place, you can casually offer up space in your home, but do not expect him to jump at the offer.

Your h says he wants to change...that's part of the mlc mantra. They all want to change, but it's the depression talking. Now, I'm going to point something out to you that you need to cease doing....cease talking to him about mlc. You are diagnosing his problem and they don't want us to do that. They want to figure things out for themselves. As for him reading the books on mlc, I seriously doubt that he'll get past the first chapter. They say and do things, at times, that we want to hear, but when we aren't around, it's a different story. Also, I don't buy the "alone" time either. Many of them say this just to get us to leave them alone so that they can do whatever they want.

See the attorney, do what you must to protect yourself, but keep your relationship discussions to a minimum. You are pushing him away by doing this. He doesn't really want to hear it. He wants you to let him be. Right now, he doesn't want to be w/you, doesn't want the relationship, etc. That's okay....that's how he's feeling at this time....who knows how he will feel in six months or even a year, but the depression and the journey are calling him and he needs to be able to find himself and go back in time and face the demons that stunted his emotional growth.

S, I'm sorry, but you've got to let him go for a while and allow God to have this situation. I'm also sorry to hear about your son. Is he alright? Focus on your children, on your self for a while and allow God to focus on your h.

Thanks, Snodderly.

I hear what you are saying, and that's what makes me so confused!! He has agreed to MC and we are going this Thursday. He seems to be finally seeing that he's been "running amok". And he's been in IC for 6 months, but hasn't been fully honest. He now agrees to be honest and really look in the mirror. So are you say I shouldn't go to MC with him? What is that if not "R" talk? And financially we can't do the apartment AND keep the "dream house" we built past year end. He knows that, and has already talked about coming back to our house because it needs a lot of work and only he can do it. But I'm afraid that that will just be doom for us because we are not ready for that! We are really at a point where we have to make a real financial decision but I don't want him to come back just because he doesn't want to lose the other house. But I don't want to lose it either! But, if we divorce, I don't want him moving some other woman in there either! We are under the gun both time wise and financially! I don't know what to do!

S,
Go to the MC, but allow your h to do the talking and you listen. IF the MC asks you a question, respond. Listen! This is a key to many of the thoughts that your h is saying. You will need to learn to sift through the garbage and hear clearly what he's saying. Your h may be going to the MC just to get you off his back and also explore ways of justifying why he doesn't want to work things out w/you. They something will go, just to say "see, I tried and it's not a good thing for me or us". I could be wrong about your h, but if he's been lying, well...what good is a MC to him, you or the relationship if he can't be honest? He's been playing games w/all of you about things and it's time to step up to the plate and be honest, that is if he can.

When I speak of no relationship talks, I'm speaking of when you are not in the MC's office. I'm referring to conversations that you may be having w/your h during the day or on the phone. The MC's office should be a "safe" place to explore the relationship as long as you can remain calm and can carry on a conversation in a calm manner.

Well...if he's talking about returning home, just to fix the place up, etc., it doesn't sound like he's got much of an option. Do you have a basement or a spare room that he can live in? I know you'd rather have him sleeping beside you and back into the relationship, but I don't think that's going to happen just yet. His returning home and him being the only one to do the repairs could be an excuse to creep back in. Nothing says you have to sweep this under the rug, but you could allow him back w/the understanding that ow has no place in your home.

Remember, you have no control over him and if he does divorce you and he keeps the other house, you will have no say in who he moves in there. But, that's a ways away. Keep your focus on today and tomorrow.

Why don't you start by making a list of the pros and cons of your situation and the possibility of him moving back home due to finances. That's the first step and let's see how you do on that list. Okay?

Thanks, (((((Snodderly))))).

When I called him this morning, it was about S17 car wreck, and since I wasn't at work, he asked why, so I told him about Attorney appointment (I don't lie). So, it sort of went from there, and I did thank him for his time and seeming willingness to take a step back and look.

The OW is sort of out of the picture so he says. She no longer works for him (got job without long commute). This was an EA that supposedly only had a "one time" thing to it which happened in July I think. However, H says they "will always be friends". (*gag*)

As for coming home, no I really don't want him in my bed. The throught of him touching me right now makes me sick! We don't have a spare room (D24 is in there). But he could sleep with S17 in his room I suppose. He is just NOT going to bring THAT bed into my house! Maybe that would be a good time for him to see the changes in me. And I'm pretty sure that with the way I feel now, I could maintain detachment. But, I'm still very afraid!

I have actually already talked with the C and said I plan to keep my mouth shut as much as possible because I ALWAYS lead. I thought I would give him the books there during the session because he might be more likely to look at them since the C recommends them too. I won't say anything. Just hand them to him, and leave it to the C to follow up from there. In fact, I have an IC with the C the day before, maybe I'll give them to him that day and then he can give them to H during the MC session.

I'll think of the list you suggested and try to get back tonight with it. I am headed home now from work.

Again, Snodderly, I do thank you for your kind support.