does that mean that you think in order for us to show that we are moving on we should not let H help around the house to show our independence? And also that it's OK to let other male friends/neighbors help out to make H jealous?
Just trying to figure out how to DB in these very small details.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
LOL..thanks for checking on me {{{Amy}}}, {{{LE}}}, and {{{MC}}} and {{{james}}} I really appreciate that more than you guys could possibly know!
OK..I'll try to keep my long story as short as possible (LOL..tho you know me)
So..Wednesday was our 20th anniversary..the 12th..I had checked with hub on Monday to make sure he still wanted to do something and that I would like to go see Fireproof, but told him to check it out online and no big if he didn't want to go..over the weekend I went out and bought this pretty dress (I haven't dressed up in a while and figured it would be good for our dinner and then I can wear it to church too).
Wed morning I self talk myself about not expecting a card or anything, but was honest enough with myself saying 'I know I will be disappointed but I'm ok"..so I didn't get a card or anything, but I pretty much honestly figured it would be that way, hub probably figured doing something with me in light of the sitch was enough, I dunno..anyway...
So Wed I get home from work and change into my dress, hub comes in and is like "well I guess I'm underdressed" and goes and changes. Of course he never said I looked good, bad, or indifferent..LOL. So we went to Olive Garden, one of my favs, and at first just talk about stuff, work stuff, etc..and then we get into relationship talk, I know I know..but on your anniversary it's probably bound to happen LOL. He pretty much says the same stuff, and I tell him my same stuff about that I'm getting stronger, but at the same time standing for my marriage, tell him that it's tough to be standing here alone, but that I have to do it..he says I shouldn't..but I say I can't tell you how to feel and you can't do the same for me..
Someone said in another thread I wish I could tape record the convo cause you forget so much..and that is very true.
Hub did say a few things to me that were pretty hurtful, tho at the time I didn't dwell on them..I've said to him many times during this that if I could go back and tell my younger self to let go of so much stupid expectations and just be a wife to the guy who loved you so much, I would. HE said, "If I could go back, I would tell the guy not to do it, at least not as young as we were, maybe it wasn't the right person, etc"..ouch..that hurt
The other thing he said was that he didn't know whether this OW was the right person, whether I was, or whether anyone else was. HE said, about me, "maybe I need to find out if I'm losing a good thing"..that one kinda tweaked me more than hurt..LOL..as if I've got nothing better to do than sit around waiting for him to figure out what he should already know. Actually, I said, "shouldn't you already know you are?"..
Anyway..then we went back to more fluffy convo after some of our other convo and then he said "I never did check what that movie was about" and so I said, "well first off it's got Kirk Cameron in it" and he knows from the Left Behind movies and stuff what kind of movies they are..so he's like "ugh" and then I said "it's about marriage and stuff" and I even gave him the option at that point about 3 times to not go and he's like "I told you I would go, so I'll go, but I don't want to hear anything or expectations" and I was like "nope"..
So we went and he was a jerk thru most of the movie, he liked some of it, but afterwards he was like "I should have seen that coming and I won't be sucked into something like that again" and I was like "look, you knew exactly what it was going to be, no hiding it on my part" and then we really didn't talk on the way home for a bit. Then, (this was my bad LOL) he played these 2 songs, the first one I ignored, but was like UGH something about sometimes goodbye means a second chance and then jailbreak, while jailbreak was on I was like "don't worry, we'll be home soon and you can break out" and he was like "don't start with me" and then he got into "Looking back I can see that you've been doing that Love Dare with me the past few weeks" and I was like "yeah..if I was going to hide it I wouldn't have taken you"..and I said "it was not manipulative or anything like that and that you should be thankful, if nothing else, that someone loves you enough to stand here no matter how many times I'm rejected"..and he said "I never said it was manipulative"
And then..he got angry..not exactly sure if it was conviction or what..not like ugly angry to me..but he pulled into our driveway and said "I just need to go drive around for a while" and I was like "ok..thank you for dinner and going to the movie" and he said "yep" and drove off in a huff. He wasn't gone long and then came back and I could hear him kinda slamming stuff around (nothing major, I could just tell he was tweaked), but thankfully I felt really peaceful during all of this and just decided I was going to bed..LOL..
I wanted him to see the movie, see where I stood, hear the words on the screen whether they penetrated his heart at that point or not, and I was thankful that he went and didn't get up and leave halfway thru LOL..
Yesterday I laid low and didn't talk to him at all, by the time he got home I was in our room watching TV, daughter came in and we chatted about her stuff for a bit, and then it was 11:30 and I went to bed
Anyway..there is my long synopsis of my 20th anniversary Thanks for sticking thru it LOL!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
I'm glad you got him to the movie and he was perceptive enough to know that you were doing the Love Dare. That also means he was paying attention to the movie.
I certainly don't know what will happen from here; but I AM certain that you made him think. Although it sounds like he was thinking before you even made it to the movie.
T glad you are back with us. I think you did well on telling H you didn't control him and he didn't control you. That showed him you respect his position. H has his wall up and like breakaway's H his reaction sounded like something I would do. In DR Michelle says that there is nothing wrong with manipulation. People don't like the connotation that comes with that word, but as she states, everyone does it starting in childhood. You might want to go re-read that because it is just something that we all do. Granted no one likes to feel that they've been controlled, but it happens everyday!
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
{{{Tom}}} thank you for saying that..I am guessing you mean he was thinking because he was paying attention to the Love Dare stuff (when you said he was thinking before we even got to the movie)..I appreciate that..I figured he was thinking, tho I dunno what he is thinking about LOL (if we only knew, but then would we want to know?)
{{{LE}}} thank you..I do respect his position and I've told him that I feel as strongly about my conviction to stay as he does to go..yeah h's wall is up, he let it down for a bit before the movie, but it's probably back up now LOL..I figured it would be tho..
I will have to go back and reread that..I remember it when you said it..but don't remember everything she says about it..I guess you are right and being in control is a BIG deal for my hub..
I forgot to mention that he said that at dinner..we were talking about something and he said "for the first time I"M in control, nothing and no one else (he meant God as well, we had been talking about that in some way, so I knew that was what he meant by the nothing part)..so him feeling in control is a big deal for him right now for some reason..(I don't mean that flip, I just mean it is a big deal for him to let ME know he's in control or for him to feel in control..LOL)
Thank you guys for checking in..I appreciate the male perspective on this more than you know
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Ugh..set for a boring weekend sadly..daughter is headed to the beach..if I didn't have to work I think I would have taken my son and totally gone with her..that would have been SO nice..turns out, blah, that it's my weekend to work all weekend..oh well.whatcha gonna do?
It's rainy and blah so I'm hoping I will get to still get my walk in this evening!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
