M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I'd like to say that she is; but in my observation she hasn't really reached a point where I could honestly say that is the case.
IMHO, I believe that she has been unhappy for the last three years. I think that she feels she's settled and not really living her life as she wants it. She has picked up a single friend that is in nursing school who is unmarried with a little son. I assuming that this girl has told her of all the "free" money she's getting for school by being a single mom. My W has mentioned this a few times to her mother, me, and some others about this. She has also expressed some concern that she will not qualify because of my income; for any of this free help. So now my W has started nursing school and is wanting the "free" money.
She has shirked 99% of her maternal responsibilites in the last 2 months; and before that I would say she shirked nearly 60-70% during the previous 5 months. Over the course of the M, when I've not been on business trips; I still did more of the parenting duties. It's evident in the fact that the kids always come to me when they need something.
As far as spiraling downward in the last 8 months, she has turned into a single teenager that wants to do nothing but party, chase men, and come home whenever she feels like it. She seems to have slowed a bit; but I wonder if that's a function of the fact that I have quit supporting that lifestyle financially. I still pay her car payment and insurance; and she has been free to eat whatever groceries I buy. But she's having to pay for all of her fun now, her cell phone, and her gas. I also wonder if her girlfriends are tiring of her, because she's never been one to keep most of her female relationships together.
She has dropped counseling, it appears. She told me this morning that she has quit taking her ADs. I don't know if that's good or bad. But with her propensity for BPD behavior; I think once she's out on her own, facing real responsibilites that I've always faced for her she will fall. I hope I'm wrong; but she seems to think that she's going to be able to keep the kid's lifestyle the same while she goes to school full-time, makes $250 per week at a part time job, and has me paying alimony. She also wants me to be able to stay in the same house I'm in now. I think that she's in for a rude awakening that may send her down the spiral; but that's just my thinking. Again, I hope I'm wrong for the kid's sake.
Right now, she is proposing that she will live by herself and we will share custody. But I question her motives in that (I'm thinking "free" money here) since just last night she still didn't come home. I don't care how unhappy you are in your M; you come home to your kids regardless. I'm going to post on the changing dynamics of this sitch in a little bit.
She may just be ensuring that she can still live the single life and not have to pay child support. She knows and probably has been told by lawyers that you will win custody and she would have to pay you child support. But her way you will still have the kids 99% of the time and will have to pay all their expenses but she gets to see them whenever shes wants. She then gets to keep spending her money only on herself and her lifestyle!!
{{{{MC}}}}! I second what Tawnya said about you being amazing!!! I have absolutely no advice...so, I can just show support and tell you that I'll keep praying for you, your kids, and your W. And, I honestly believe that if you do the same, God will show you your way out...whatever that might be!
So, I was thinking about your schedule and how we'll work things out in in LE's community. I don't cook, so, I'm thinking that I'll do the laundry (as discussed previously) in exchange for eating dinner (with my kids) at your place 1 to 2 nights each week. I'll offer the same deal to James and LE. That will ensure my kids get food and your kids have clean clothes. And, it beats you or I or LE or Tawnya or James or BG or anyone having to do it all!!! I love this plan!!!
Hope your day's going well. What kind of work to you do?
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
So, Tom, I'm getting caught up. As you know, I've been in my own little tailspin lately, so apologies for not being around as much.
What I predict, and I course could be wrong, is that...she will make a show of wanting custody..because her entire life is built on being fake and projecting and mirroring...but she really doesn't want it. So she'll say a LOT of sh!t about that, and might make some actions..but in the end she really doesn't want custody of those kids.
I agree with you on the BPD stuff...and it is what it is. Emotional vampires. Nothing inside. I have some similar "lack of empathy" issues at home, not to that kind of degree of course...and mine wrap into the passive-aggressive stuff. I'll save that for my thread.
And as everyone else has noted...you are an awesome guy dealt a really rough hand. You are doing great!!
I'm getting ready to post a full low-down on what happened this morning; but I will say that I think it's all a ploy for money. that's her driving force.
So after staying out all night last night, the W comes home this morning while I was getting the kids ready to go and busts this out on me.
She saw a new L yesterday and evidently a settlement proposal is forthcoming via certified mail. She asked me if I had retained a L; I said no but I have one that I will retain if necessary. Her reply was that she had retained one. I asked her how she afforded the retainer fee; her answer was that she had only done the initial consultation. What she wants is for the both of us to use her L because he's cheap so long as we agree on a settlement. He can file it and then we pay a mediation fee to have it processed.
She told me that he went over all of what she was entitled to from me in the area of maintenance and child support. However, she told him that she did not want to change the lifestyles of the kids, so she wasn't out to get me financially. She did not want me to have to pay child support so she is proposing 50/50, with the kids splitting the week between us. I asked her, where are you going to live? She said I do not know; that is up to you. So IOW, depending upon how much maintenance I give her will make the determination on where she will live. She said that living with dysfunctional BFF was out of the question as she is too undependable. I think she is projecting here and calling the kettle black at the same time.
I let her know that there would additional expenses for her that she is not paying now; like a car payment, car insurance, TV, etc. I let her know that the car would have to be in her name or she would have to get a different vehicle. She wasn't going to be D'd , driving in a car titled/registered in my name.
So I asked her if she had given any thought to MC; at least one last try before she calls it done. She said that her heart wasn't in it, that coming back to the M meant sex, romantic love, and all that. She asked, is it not better that the kids are from a broken home instead of a home that is broken? I told her that it would not be a rush job back into the M; but I asked her to think back to the day that her father left and the damage that is been done by that. She played that off by blaming her mother's OM. I said OK, I reminded her that we made vows before God; for better or for worse; for richer or for poorer, does that mean anything to you? She replied that she wanted to teach our D that she does not need to depend on a man to get by in life. I validated by saying, I agree, that is a great message; but I want our D to know that you does not bail out of a M when just get unhappy; that there are responsibilities to live up to. She had no reply.
Then she reminded me that KY is a no fault state; so I could claim that she was a slut all day long and it did not matter in a D. I agreed with her; it does not matter in a D. But my journal does not contain info pertaining to being a slut; it's all about shirking responsibility. She is not thinking about what she is getting into.
So she wants to do this amicably; but her custody proposal is not in line with the kid's security needs. Once, or if, I receive it; I post for some consideration. But I want nothing less that than the kids in our marital home on school nights.
She is also proposing that we D first so that I can qualify for a Chp 7 instead of 13. She does not want the 13 because she would have to be in on it and help pay for it. I think that she wants me to assume all liabilities so that she can skate out scott-free. I will have to further consult my BK L on this one. She is wanting out as quickly as possible. She must have a new OM that she does not want to know that she is still M and wants to look like a great mother as well. Just my opinion. She does not do alone; so I do not expect that she is alone. She went to great lengths to let me know that she does not want to parade her dates in front of the kids. Let us hope that she holds up to that.
So I do not expect this settlement offer anytime soon; because a L does not work for free. Unless she borrows from her family who have indicated that they are dead set against her actions; she cannot do it without my help. Of course I am aware that family is family; so you never know.
Maybe I am moving to Surviving here real soon...not sure yet. I will take a look at the sitch when this thread locks.
