Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? we just hit 11 months

I hear you Marcus... it was a punch in the gut when last year a found a draft of a letter I typed for stbx when he was living with me. He was graduating from the academy and was supposed to write a small bio, at the end it said "Xxx lives with his wife and children in Xtown", well, much later I found another draft, the one he used for his graduation: "Xxxx lives near his children in Xtown" I dont' think people thought he was married... all the while I sacrificed a lot and helped him so much to get through the academy, and that was the thanks I got.

Hon, we dont' need people like that, love is not supposed to be this much suffering! a friend in the D part of this board put it well on her siggy "do not make a priority of someone who only thinks of you as an option.

You are worth much more than that.

Thanks for your words. We just hit 12 months. One year. My God it seems such a short time ago I thought that I would be back with my W by now. Now I see I won’t. The dynamic never changed no matter what tunnel I went down. So now I am trying the last tunnel left. Letting go. And you know what the sick part is? She actually seems weirded out by me letting go. I called her about the fact we need to talk about bills ( I have been paying her cell phone since she left with the promise she would pay after she " got on her feet".) She quickly asked what was wrong because I sound different. I sound different folks because I didn’t say “hey pretty lady what’s up” like I usually do. I acted in a business manner. I had called her Monday about this and got her voice mail. I left a message in the same tone. She sent me a text to be carful at work.

I haven’t got as nice text like that since June. It used to be I would be ecstatic because I would think of this as a step in the right direction, but after so many “ one step forward…TEN steps back” routines with my W I don’t get excited anymore. I believe I am falling out of love, and I feel very sad about that. But I haven’t had face to face contact with my W since the middle of October, and before that it was three weeks.

I am going to ask why she hasn’t D’ed me yet. I have told her the entire time I would not stand in her way, but I wanted to work on our M. Unfortunately I have not been allowed. As I said before she told me she doesn’t feel the same and doesn’t know how to get the feeling back, to which I replied “how could you? We don’t see each other, don’t talk, don’t communicate but once as month. I just don’t think I can last another year. My GAL has helped with the pain but now I don’t even see her as a friend. Maybe I’m just rambling but I don’t see a silver lining here, just a dismal year. I failed.

You haven't failed. You've tried very hard and achieved alot, perhaps not everything you wanted. Have you considered having one session with a DB coach before you walk away?

mabey I will. it couldnt hurt. I will turn tommorw into a simple boundry drawing I guess. " you will need to pay for your own cell phone", boundry. W makes it very hard when I do stuff like this as she just says " you owe me money" again and again. meanwhile I asked for the w'S ( which means also mine by WI law) credit card statment. she never gave it to me, and refusedto freeze because that would leave her " unable to survive." funny I dont even havea credit card and I am doing fine.

Hey Marcum. I recently hit my 12 months as well. Not at all where I thought I would be either. But, I want to reiterate...YOU HAVE NOT FAILED! Your marriage may have failed, but it wasn't because you didn't want it to work out. It was because your wife refused to work with on the issues that SHE has. THESE are HER issues, and she doesn't seem brave enough to look in the mirror to face things. It's easier to walk away and blame someone else. NOT YOUR FAULT.

Now, why do you need to see her credit card statement? Are you paying for her credit card as well? The card she is using to "survive"? Does she have a job? It seems like she likes the financial benefit of being married, without any of the responsibility (heck, who wouldn't!). But, she needs to come down into reality. If she wants out, she needs to know that means she is ON HER OWN. Perhaps the gentleman she is living with could help her out some? You don't have kids, and (at least in CA) alimony is MINIMAL. (My alimony after 8yrs of marriage would be about $150/mo). Perhaps that's another reason why she hasn't filed for divorce. You're paying her more money now than what the courts would order for you to pay.
On the other hand, I like to think she hasn't filed because she still sees a glimmer of hope.
You are wise in detatching. It's painful, but wise!