Concerned, I was just wondering if you have always been afraid to speak up,shy or just afraid of upsetting people or confrontation or is it just with your wife you have this trouble. Maybe you have tried counselling to be more assertive.
Women tend to like a mix of strength and vunerability. Yes we are hard to please at times.
Matilda and Naej, My W is seven weeks into recovering from her broken toe. We went to a dance Christmas party on Tuesday, and she was able to dance without pain. We went dancing last night, and she had no ill effects.
This should help her mood a great deal, and mine. There was an article in the paper recently about the impact on mood from being around happy people--even acquaintances.
Saturday is my day for cleaning, so I will see what I can do to help her feel more comfortable in the house. I think she wants help with hand washables
She continues to fret about money. I don't think there is anything more I can do to help her.
I'm not willing to change jobs, as I'm happy with mine, and do all the cooking on Sunday for our PT job, so am not willing to take on additional work. She works PT, which is fine, as it frees her up to run errands during the week. I like our current balance of one partner working FT, and the other PT, with the cooking job on Sunday. Our regular jobs pay the bills, while the cooking job pays for recreation and variable expenses like vet bills and car repair.
She is frustrated by limitations. She and I are working with a financial planner, and the first order of business is paying down credit card debt.
The challenge is how to enjoy life in the present, yet stay fiscally responsible. She wants to buy a second used car, and take a winter vacation.
I notice that as time passes, I'm starting to have fleeting feelings of being close to her. I think the feelings are connected to trust and commitment. Each months that passes without a sleeping elsewhere episode contributes to those feelings.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, My W initiated physical intimcay with me, and I was not able to relax. She was terribly hurt.
We had a nice evening dancing, and then came home and spent time in front of our fireplace. We went to the bedroom, where I started to have performance issues. She also was pushing me to have unprotected sex, citing her age. She was upset that I dodn't compensate for the performance issue by being more proactive in other ways sexually.
I tried to explain to her the difficulty of trust after her sleeping elsewhwere. It was to no avail. She kept pointing out how she doesn't have sexual issues, and angry that I didn't acknowledge my issues in the past. She also feels justified in her sleeping elsewhere in the past.
She says that she has been committed to working on the M these past several months.
Out of frustration, I told her that if she was that unhappy, she should fie for D. This created anxiety in her that I was going to file.
I suppose, looking for positives, that an awkward physical encounter needed to occur. We were both flooded by emotion, and couldn't move into problem-solving. I don't trust that she's going to let me work thru physical intimacy issues at my own pace. She doesn't trust that I want to work thru these issus at all.
Earlier in the evening, she requested that I go to the dentist to have my teeth whitened, to work on having a clean breath and body before retiring to bed.
I sent her an email this morning teliing her about my commitment to the M, and that I will work on her request for improved bedtime hygiene. I put in a request to her to improve respectful communication towards me, especially when she is frustrated or has a complaint.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Piecing Friends, I don't think the email had much impact. She doesn't bellieve I'm interested in pursuing physical intimacy.
Hopefully, this incident will be the catalyst to move my W from friend to girlfriend status. I will need to be in pursuit, and let her know that I'm interested in physical contact.
Since I'm in pursuit, it will be on my terms, and at my own pace. I'm going to work on evening moments in front of the fireplace, and sitting on the couch when watching a program together. These may lead to sex or foreplay.
I'm at a point where I'm feeling closer to my W, so am interested in moving to the next stage.
Today, I asked her to sit on the couch with me, and I cuddled her whiie she fell asleep for a nap. I don't want her to be starved for affection. It's time to let my guard down, and start treating her like a girlfriend, versus a platonic friend.
We'll experiment and check results.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
It looks like conflict is returning. She is pushing me again to switch jobs to make more money. She keeps saying that it's my responsibility to make sure that her material needs are met--vacations, cars, beauty salons. Any limitations in her mind indicate a failure with my role as spouse.
I'm remembering from my conflict management book, the importance of balancing self-care and care for others. I think switching jobs just to pacify her would be a threat to my self-worth.
The problems to be solved are increasing physical intimacy, and saving for vacation and she wants a back-up car.
I'm frustrated with the situation, and am wrestling with my emotions and trying to stay balanced and committed. I fell asleep in the guest room last night, after hearing her comments about my failures.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm not sure what to make of your last few post although I do now feel a lot more sympathetic towards your case.
So W tells you to pick up on your oral and bodily hygene (not nice to have to be told but a good sign) The two of you start to feel comfortable around each other and then W wants intermacy. You feel pressured and can't perform, W want unprotected sex, you feel even less likly to perform,W want some form of satifaction, you are unable to oblige. She feel frustrated, you get angry, you and tell her the two of you should D. She gets angrier and critisizes you and makes you feel failure, you retreat to the spare room.
Is that the jist of the last couple of days.
Well I think there are a few issues to be resolved before you two can move forward. I think at the heart of it CL you may need to seek professional to help you with the intermacy issues. Do you think you could discuss these things with a doctor ? (or am I way off the mark).
Also how do you discuss with W that you are unsure of her... er hygene (I couldn't think of a better way to describe it). I'll leave that one for now.
No, I think the performace issues are at the hear of W's frustration, thats the thing that needs to be delt with first, what do you think.
She keeps saying that it's my responsibility to make sure that her material needs are met--vacations, cars, beauty salons.
Unbelievable! I am glad you value yourself enough to realize that self care is important. It sounds like she wants you to change jobs just for the sake of money, but that would be a disaster for you. I wish your wife could realize how lucky she is to have you for a husband, and be willing to work WITH YOU for vacations, cars, beauty salons, ec.
Lanzo, I think the conflict is my W wants me to hit the ground running in the physical intimacy department, and I need to move into it. She doesn't seem to have any empathy for where I'm at.
I understand that I should take the lead with it, so I can proceed on my terms and move into it. I'm planning on more couch time together.
I'm going to want use protection for now. I'll tell her that it will help me to relax. Knowing that she's been with other partners makes it critical that I use protection--a sensitive subject.
I've been to two different sex therapists over the years. My W would be willing to go, as long as I'm the identified patient. She makes it clear that she has no sexual issues, and that I'm the only man she's had difficulty with. I don't see marital therpay as being helpful at this time.
I'm going to stick with the girlfriend frame of mind, and see how that goes (even though there are days I'd like to break-up with her).
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
