Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives How am I doing? Need some encouragement......

Hey Sam,

Sounds like things are going pretty well for you. I'm glad for you!

Being good friends is a required step to romance. So that is reason for celebration. But while friendship is a required step, it doesn't guarentee that W will move to the romance step. So celebrate your victories, but keep your expectations in check. Don't want you to set yourself up for a fall.

Yes, I am trying to keep my expectations in check! It's hard! Seems even harder now that there are some positive things happening.

Little update on the past few days:

My W has been living in a small apartment without heat and it's getting cold out. I said that she's gonna need heat pretty soon, because it is only gonna get colder form now on. So far, she has been saying that she has alot of blankets and that it's not that bad. Well, the last few weeks she's been getting sick and our boys stay over there too and they have had colds on and off. On Sunday, I saw the apartment for the first time (she used to live in a house but couldn't afford the rent anymore) and I checked the furnace to see what the problem was. Turns out, the furnace seems fine, but there's no gas hooked up to the building, and no meter. We had a nice lunch all together and then I left with the boys (she was not feeling good). I told her she could come over to the house and eat dinner with us and she said she would see how she felt that night. Later, she calls me and says she still feels like crap and will just stay there and go back to bed. She also said that she won't go to work the next day and she can pick up the boys, so I can work later. She will bring them to the house later and maybe we can have dinner together then? I said that was a good idea.

She texts me in the morning that she's looked into what it's gonna cost to get the gas hooked up and there is gas piped to the building, and only the meter is missing. So she's not ignoring what I am saying. Earlier this year, it seemed like anything I say was just dismissed. Then, at night, we eat dinner and she tells me that she really likes what I made!

Next day, she texts me: "Gas is being hooked up today, will have heat finally!" I reply: "Good! :)" Then she texts me: "Btw, you are getting good at the cooking thing :-)" WOW! Was that a compliment? An UNSOLLICITED compliment? I keep thinking of Sandi's comment that a woman needs to admire a man before she can desire him. Maybe I am on the right track? I know she also takes note on my running, every once in while if I have done a good run, like broke my personal record or something, I will text her about it, like in I want to share my accomplishments with you. She's always responded to those with some humor, like: "Congrats!!! I can run 3 miles in about 8 hours! :)"

On Tuesdays, she picks up the boys from the house when she gets back from work. I had gone to Home Depot to get her a Carbon Monoxide alarm, since that furnace hadn't been used in so long, I wanted her and the boys to be safe in her place. After we put the boys in the car, I give it to her and she's very appreciative of it, she's all smiling, leans over to me, like give me a kiss, and I do, she reaches out and runs her fingers on my stomach (it's a thing she used to do a long time ago and she's done this twice in the last week). Writing this, I feel like such a little schoolgirl, getting all excited about these tiny little things, but they are tiny little steps in the right direction (I think).

As far as the heat goes, the gas got hooked up, but the furnace has a problem, her landlord is getting that fixed now. So STILL no heat!!!

Anyways, some more babysteps I think.
Keeping the faith!!
faithrunner, lovehimso, nw and all others, keep checking in on me! I appreciate your views on this!

Now all of today goes by without any contact... Expectatiosn are creeping up again....

Good approach Sam. Don't fix... just show concern. The monoxide detector was a super excellent choice. Demonstrates your concern beyond just words.

Keep it up! But slowly...

All good signs, I would think. As a woman, the touch thing is especially telling. Now, I am not her, so I can't say for sure, but my guess is if she wasn't feeling something for you, she wouldn't be doing that.

I think you are doing well. Try not to let a day without contact get you down. I know that is SO much easier said than done, and something I am not good at doing myself. Days like that send my into a downward spiral, and I know it's not healthy. But, I guess that's why the whole DB process has been referred to by so many as a rollercoaster.

On the flip side, try not to get TOO excited about the positive changes you are seeing,either. Again, I say this because I know firsthand the consequences of ignoring this advice. Accept them for what they are, small steps, and not necessarily absolute indicators of how things will be tomorrow, next week, or next month. It takes time.

Thanks for checking in on me! I'll come back and check on you, too. Hang in there!

Sam you are doing great so keep up the good work. Her not calling could also mean that she is evaluating her inner self to see if she really does miss you - or she just got busy. What ever it is, dont worry about it. MHO is that she is coming around and that a break through is imminent. You never know. Just keep doing what your doing.

Check my thread out, the last couple of days have been interesting for me as well.

Joe

Thanks for the encouragement guys!!

I really do feel like it's heading in the right direction. Just some mroe stuff that has happened since then...

Saturday, she was going to come to the house for dinner. I took the boys to the store and got groceries and decided to try and make this recipe I got from my mom (never tried it before, but she said it was very good). So I am starting to cook and got the boys fed before she got to the house. Got Kung Fu Panda for them, so they were busy watching that while she was in the kitchen watching me cook, asking me what I am making and we talked about her business and gossip about the town her shop is in. We were (AGAIN) having a great time as we always used to do. She brought her guitar to show me how much progress she had made. She also brought me some fudge from the art fair she was at in the afternoon. So she's interested in sharing her interests with me and thnks ahaead and brings me something back. Was really happy with that! THinking about it, she's brought me more things over the past couple of weeks: CD's with music she found and thought I would like, bread she got at a local store that she tried and thought I would like... All positive things in my mind!

So we eat and she says how good it is. After we finish eating we have some more wine and eat some cheese. The thing is, that is all stuff that we always used to do and enjoy together until she got so busy with her business. The she plays some guitar for me, I tell her great it sounds and how much progress she has made, which she really did!

Of course, in my head, I keep thinking: so what exactly IS the problem here????? I have great time, she has a great time apparently, so what is it?? I know the answer , or at least I think/hope I do: she does feel a connection with me, but doesn't really trust the feeling right now. Does that make sense??

My W takes them every other Sat night, so I can sleep in on Sunday morning. So when it's time for her to leave with the boys, we put them in the car and close the doors, then she comes up to me and smiles very happily and hugs me, we let go and then she kisses me, and then she looks at me, smiles again and comes back for another hug! I was just really happy after that!!!! It felt like a milestone!!

Now for the downside, as you guys have warned me, my expectations crept up since then and when I saw her tonight, she wasn't nearly as warm to me as on Sat.... Got a hug, but no kiss, she said she was feeling like crap (sick) and told me not to kiss her as she did not want me to get it also. She also did not want to stay and eat (was just cooking) because she said she couldn't eat, she was just feeling to sick right now. Anyways, in my mind I was a little sad, but I did not let her know that. I said that I was going to make what I was making anyways, so it didn't matter whether she ate here or not, now I would just have some lunch leftover for tomorrow.

So just can't wait for the next babysteps!!! I just need to keep at it and not get my expectations up! After all this time it's just hard not to! I have been watching for this kind of stuff for a while... What gets me is how she still seems to be planning to stay in her apartment for a while, so I shouldn't expect any major change anytime soon apparently....

I will check on you LHS (read 3 pages tonight) and Joe soon!!

Hey Sam
Your progress is outstanding.
I know it is hard to keep the expectation down or none.
This is a very good sign from your W, but she could be still scared and confused about all these improvement about your R.
Be patient and continue on what you have done so far....it works wonder for you.
More baby steps to come....!!!

NW626

Hi Sam,

Yes, you are right on the mark. Building trust takes enourmous amounts of time and effort. It must be 'earned' little pieces at a time.

Plus, W feels like your changes only happened since she dropped the bomb and moved out. They often worry that the changes only exist because of the seperation. If they move closer to you, then the 'old' Sam will reappear.

So they really don't move closer (at least in their mind). Rather, they just 'hang around' enjoying the moment. Now, the good news is that people's unconcious will slowly move them closer in tiny little babysteps. It happens soooo slowly that the W doesn't even notice. But with each babystep the trust slowly builds in a subliminal sort of way.

But it takes a long time.

Good news is that your relationship is way ahead of many folks on this board (including myself). Just keep your expectations in check and keep plugging away.

I would not worry about the second encounter at all. Try to take things at face value. Wife said she was sick and she probably was. A perfectly reasonable reason to avoid contact and be more reserved. Everyone has up and down days.