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You need a hug today ((((((Julia))))

We are all glad that the explosion had nothing to do with you and that you are fine.

Your H mentions moving in to a colleagues flat and says 'HE' are you still sure he is moving in with the OW??

Try to keep a positive mind as the email was light friendly. Hang in there the call with Jody is just tomorrow!!! I hope that she has a better insight and can help you with seeing the positives.

Enjoy your swim and I do hope that you push this out of your mind for right now and enjoy the rest of your day.

Hey Mishka and Sep

Sep - I am sure he's moving in with the ow. I'm sure what he has written is true, he is just not mentioning the fact that he is not living in his own in this flat!

Mishka - I did that breathing thing and it helped loads, thanks. I know what your saying, I got the same thing from it.

Julia,

I am so sorry to hear this. This is ridiculous. Does your H have a CLUE about what is going on in the economy/housing market right now? Does he think he can snap his fingers and the house will be sold and he will have money in his pocket? He is not thinking straight with his brain!!!! He is not making good practical decisions about basic things like how to make rent!!

I don't know if it's any comfort, but the email actually reminded me a little bit of MichelleLT's H when he started pressuring her to file. Just sort of distant, cold, "I came up with a solution to this problem that works with me so F--- you, fill out the paperwork so I can get on with my life." In Michelle's case I think it was that he wanted to file for D before he was re-deployed. In your H's case he wants to sell the house so he can have more money for his new apartment. Whatever. Both cases they are pressuring the LBS for a quick solution.

*but,* even though I haven't been following Michelle's thread for a while, I heard she had a major turnaround in her situation, I think now she and her H are sort of dating? So... even if he is "done" like mischka said, you still don't deserve to be treated like cr@p like that. You don't deserve to be jerked around.

Please do something nice for yourself today!!!!
And thank you so much for your thoughts on my thread!

LOVE,
T

((((Julia)))))

Gosh, that's so frustrating to have that e-mail just appear like that. I think you're doing the right thing by waiting for a while before replying, and talking it through with Jody. T's right that the pressuring is something a lot of WAS do- they think getting rid of the physical parts of the old life will remove the emotional parts from themeselves, except that we know it really won't.

Give me a call if you want to talk; you know where I am.

L. xx

(((T))) Your posts always make me feel so much better and you always give me such encouragement, thank you. You are right; he is not living in reality. I agreed to this house sale back in June and all he can do is keep asking me if I have thought anymore about it. WTF??? If he would actually have a face-to-face conversation then he could just ask me whatever questions he wanted but he is choosing to do it this way.

(((OD))) I felt so frustrated at that email and then it turned to anger. I just feel he is being so cr@p.


This really struck a chord with me as I think you are so right. He can wipe me out of our honeymoon pictures, delete me from his life but I don't think he will ever be able to delete me from his heart even if it is just living with the guilt of what he has done. I know that he will never truly be able to reconcile these actions no matter how hard he tries. It goes against everything he believes in.

So, I did something exciting last night. I have started a knitting course with my sister and last night was the first session. I love it, it is so therapeutic. It works like choir and keeps my mind off h stuff. So I am going to carry on practicing and then start on some projects. My friends are all taking the p out of me for being an old granny but they will be so jealous when I am walking around in my cool knits

I'll post more after my call with Jody tonight.

Jxx

Hey Julia, good for you! I'd love to learn to knit, thats ace.

I agree with T.. and especially in the UK.. when I read his email I was astonished.. I have been trying to sell my flat for 1 1/2 years and my friend her house for a year, and we've both had about 2 viewings. The value of hers has gone done 25,000 in abuot a month. I think he is totally deluded if he thinks you will sell it.

Not being too nosey here.. but, have you got it valued recently, since June (you dont have to ask/tell him, just get someone in?) and is there still equity in it? And whats the chances of selling in your area, when did the last place sell, or do you see unsold houses in your street/neihbourhood? All questions to ask. Its not abut stalling him as such, its about making good financial decisions! Teres no way I would consider selling my house now if my ex asked me to. No way.

Al x

Hey Ali

I have to say I haven't had it valued but I have kept a good eye on other properties in the area and so have a good idea about the value of property in my area. I am happy to get an estate agent round with him and talk to the estate agent but, DB or not, I have always been very clear in my mind that I am *not* losing money because of his bad decisions/ indecision. If there is no equity in the house, or not enough as I would like, then I will refuse to sell and we can come up with another solution together. He cannot put the house on the market without me and I am not being walked over so he can 'move on' or do whatevr he is doing with his life.

So basically, my view at the moment is that I am willing to talk about and investigate selling but if the offer is not right then I will not be accepting it. And also, realisitcally the same estate agents boards have been outside of the same houses for months/ a year now so a quick sale is highly unlikely.

Hey Julia...

"the same estate agents boards have been outside of the same houses for months/ a year now so a quick sale is highly unlikely."

...uhh, I think ANY sale is unlikely! thats what I suspected. Its going to get worse too..

I really think YOU should just get an estate agent round (not one that you might consider selling through, just a random other agent) and get the information for yourself, asap, work out how you feel about and then you will be prepared when you email him back? Knowledge is power.

I think he's not so much walking all over you, its natural to want to sell and split assets when you are no longer with someone. Hard and hurtful I know, but its how it works. And I have heard of people forcing a sale against spouses wishes, but theres no way he would do that I am sure.

Well, wow! That was so great, Jody was amazing.

So I had previously sent her the email correspondence with h and she said it was great DBing and he responded in friendly, helpful and responsive way. Then I told her that h had moved in with this woman but I didn't know in what context and she said that I should take it that the worst has happened. This is what my gut tells me anyway. She said don't ask them what you already know and don't be coy; go with the assumption that I know the truth. She asked what the ow was like and I said I couldn't see any similarities apart from that we vaguely looked like each other. I read her some of her FB posts and Jody asked me if h had ever expressed a wish to start a family with me and I answered yes and she said is that the kind of person he would want to have children with? She sounds like high maintenance and ok/ fun to be with once in a while but living with her would get very tiring. She said she is a slutty version of me! (love it! ) She also said that his tone in his emails to me is not that of his FB life or ow's tone and that I am bringing out the best in him.

She also loved the fact that he had moved in with this woman and that they were living just as far out of London as I do now. She said this is my opportunity to move further in and start living the fun, cosmopolitan life that he longed for when he left me. A much more attractive prospect. He can find out how great it is to be me!

She also thought that he should meet with the estate agent and that he should make some effort for once. He should find out for himself the house situation, he should find out the bad news! If it comes through me then there is potential that he will blame me somehow and it shows detachment to not need to meet with him. She also said next time he says 'you look n...' I should answer with 'Hot?' and that I need to be a little bit more confident in myself around him.

So, here's my email...

Hey,

I met with (my chairman) and your email really helped me and I got a lot of strength from your advice, thank you for all your help.

I got your recent email and I understand that you have moved into the flat and you are not there by yourself. That explains a lot about what has been going on between you and I since you moved out, and while I recognise that it is not the reason we are not together I can see that your efforts have been directed in another place.

However, I do realise it has been a year since you left so it is not surprising that you are moving forward with your life and it gives me a lot to think about. If I am honest with myself I am beginning to really enjoy the male attention that has been coming my way lately so I understand the attraction of a new relationship.

All that being said I understand there is a lot of stuff we need to do with the house. With regards to your offer of seeing estate agents, I am more than happy for you to go ahead and do that.

I am hoping that this clears the air between the two of us so that we can be more straight forward and comfortable with each other and that this doesn't mean that we can't see each other on occasion in a friendly context.

I am not sure how to sign off? Hope you are ok/ hope you are having a good week or just 'Julia'. I'm hoping that this sounds like my style? For my English DBing buddies - do any phrases in it sound too American?

This encapsulates my feelings that I wanted to get across and Jody felt it would make him feel less ashamed when he is around me now everything is out in the open (I'm not sure on this one) and that it takes the deceit out of the situation. It also answers how I would react if he told me.

Any thoughts you guys have would be really appreciated!

Hi Julia,

Well from my experience I can say Jody is usually right...on 2 occasions she's made suggestions that I've resisted, but in retrospect should have listened to, things that seemed painful and counterintuitive, but might have saved me a lot of grief!

That email is quite bold I have to say! I do wonder what your H will say in response, or whether he may just ignore the parts he doesn't like...what does Jody think his reaction is likely to be?

After you send this email, what would your next steps be? Glad to hear that you are feeling more positive and that you know you still have options :).

ITH