Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Things my heart still needs to know... (#47)

K, I get it loud and clear that you need him to DO SOMETHING. But please tell us. What exactly would that be like? can you sit down and make a list of 100 things that he could do that would count as DOING SOMETHING? then possibly share it with us. then possibly share it with him. I feel like he is trying to do a big figure skating routine (the "i love kalni ice dance") on an icecube. and you are saying, WHY isn't he DOING THE I LOVE KALNI ice dance? he needs more space to maneuver. get him some more space on the ice!

Please explain to me too. Why can't he quit one of his two insanely demanding jobs?

have you thought about going to counseling together? maybe to a person trained by david snartch (passionate marriage man)? or a retreat? run by him? possibly with a greek translator if necessary? I am serious here. I want you guys to make it!

LOVE,
T

I'm sorry if that was too many questions. I really mean it, what would it look like if he started doing something?

K,

"I think he maybe DBing me."
I too think he is; in fact I think he was all along but you didn't see it that way.

"I dont need to be a b!tch anymore."
Indeed. That's what got you into this mess; remember?

You have a bunch of complaints the biggest one is his hours of work; you both need to "bend" on this; he has already indicated that he'd spend more time during the day and change his unearthly hours before long. Can you discuss it more with him? What habits of yours can change or have you changed for H - some of these caused him to leave; remember? K, Maybe you are expecting too much from H? You are very bright and a great leader as you have shown here. Why not lead H a bit now? Where is that soft spot in your heart? Where is the flirty K? But remember its not just all about your feelings and emotions and I think you hold the key to the R, H does not, so its up to you to lead him to lead you. He's walking on eggshells a bit.

I'm just shooting from the hip, got to get back to work.

"He is trying. I see that. Trying is not enough. Doing would be .This is a crazy time in my life. I think I maybe going crazy..."

I get it. Totally.

And there was me thinking the same, you have an amazingly expressive voice too!

FG first post on Kalni thread
Kalni first post on my thread.
Kalni first reference to FG on my thread
FG is amazing
Kalni talking to FG on my thread


Hope this helps


Lanzo

Thanks Lan, I was right, wasnt I? And when I said FG was amazing I didnt know him that well... LOL (Cory, teasing, you are...)

So, nothing happened since my TM last night and his answer. He never called again, hasnt called today yet, NOTHING...

Piecing is ... quiet!
K

So, T and Fb2 and Jeff, thanks for your suggestions. It is true that right now I am expecting things from him and I am not leading as you suggest. BUT, leading in this case would be what? Ask to see him when I know he cant? Demand he finds time when there isnt any? Right now we are missing time together. WIthout time together how can we develope any kind of connection?

If I start nagging about it, I would go back to previous behaviours which I dont want to, behaviours like that brought us here as fb2 says...

What I would need T would be, to spend time with him, talk to him even on the phone regarding the future, the past, plan with him steps that will bring us closer.
I dont have preconceived list of actions without those he will "fail the test" but one phone call per day doesnt do it.

I sent him an email about prices of tickets for trips around the world and he asked me if I am going to NY again. He didnt even get the hint that maybe we should try to do that in the near future...
Tomorrow it's his nameday. Namedays are big here. I dont know where he plans to spend the day. If we were together, tomorrow we would have a nice lunch or dinner at home. Now, I dont know what he is doing...

What have I changed? I think I have but I dont really know how that will show or affect our R beacuse we dont have one yet...

It all comes down to TIME. He cant change jobs or quit now, he told me. I have to be patient until... summer? Do you guys think it's going to work out if we keep like this till summer?

On the other hand he feels we are doing much better so probably thinks he doesnt need to do anything else. I will tell him again this weekend.
K

K,

Could you just put yourself out there and invite him to spend the day tomorrow? Offer to have lunch or dinner for him for his nameday? I know he is the one who needs to prove himself to you, but I think it would be a nice gesture on your part to invite him to come over, especially since you want time together.

And what do you have to lose by saying, "almostx, I sent that email because I thought it would be nice if WE took a trip somehwere TOGETHER"....

It just seems that subtlety and hinting isn't going to 'reach' him...he IS a DAM after all

Hi K,

Yes you are right. Actually, I think it was fb2 who reached out and asked for FG's help.

Yes I told you this ages ago (but I can't find the link).


Lan

What is a nameday?

K, being the king of DAM's, your H needs specifics from you. Hints and innuendo isn't going to get through to him and you won't ever get what you want that way. Try to come up with one specific action your H could take to start on his path back to your M. Just one. Start very small and build on it.

In addition, ask him what you would need to show him as a gesture of your good will and respect in return for his following through. I'm not sure how that sounds but it makes sense in my head.

I really feel you guys need a LOT more dialogue.