I am about 99% convinced now that my marriage is over. W has not sent the email like she said she would saying that it's "not necessary" as he probably "won't come" (whatever). He's also moving back to Eastern Europe where he was originally from soon.
I was made redundant from my job yesterday and haven't been able to perform well due to these ongoing issues in my marriage. W and I had "the talk" yesterday evening and she's acknowledged that she is not "in love". I asked her why it's so hard to end the marriage like everyone else does and she said "it's not just about love. It's also about friendship and companionship". We are so close to each other and never tire of each other's company. I just don't understand.
Is it normal not to be "in love" with your spouse after and during an affair? I have said to my wife that it's for the best if we get a divorce, even though it is aboslutely not what I want - I love her more than life itself. She then says "but it's so serious; it would be so sad...". She says it's really hard to love me because there are so many layers of resentment.
I am at my wit's end. This drama has been going on for 10 months now and she hasn't been "in love" with me all year. Why does she want me in her life?
I feel I will be leaving these boards behind permanently before too long and will be trying to heal from some very deep trauma.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
First of all, no matter which way things go, there is no reason to leave these boards. We are interested in you and want to hear from you.
As to whether it is possible to maintain marital love while having an affair....I think it may be possible. Just as a gymnast or acrobat does tricks with their bodies that are not possible for the rest of us, I do believe there is the occasional person who can maintain one love while pursuing another. But this is a circus act. And I don't think the average person, including your wife, can do it. So... no, I think that new love kills old love. And I think that your wife is seeking the comforts of life and stays with you because you can provide this. That is, you have become her Sugar Daddy.
If she is going to "fall in love" with you again, it will be after you pull the rug from under her feet.
Hi Sara, I just snooped in my W's Facebook account and found the following message to one of OM's friends:
Hi, Yes I am the ex-girlfriend of OM but we may be getting back together soon. He is coming to Australia next month and I will be his tour guide! He is very excited about flying on the new Singapore Airlines jumbo jet - it is the largest in the world. All the best, W
I think this tells me what I need to know about this marriage i.e. that it is a pathetic excuse of one. I feel like such an unbelievable fool. I have been buying her many gifts trying to speak her love language, taking her on trips and it has all been for nothing. Utterly worthless. A complete joke.
I need to accept that my wife is no longer in love with me and that what we had was wonderful, but it's history now. Since we have no kids or a home I cannot see any reason to stay in touch either, particularly if she is with someone else.
I sense that I am about to be overcome with grief in an enormous way - I know that this marriage has no future and that life as I know it is about to come to an end. I must accept this and get to work somehow in putting a new life together. I do not know where to start and feel lost and helpless - all I can do is take comfort in the knowledge that others have survived searing crises like these.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
WHEW!!! I'm sorry, GH. She really is a nervy little minx, isn't she! I really do think that takes the cake. She tells you one thing and tells everyone else another, and doesn't think you'll figure it out. I can't tell you to give her the boot. I can say that she has earned it.
I have continued to read along. I am sorry about the latest things you have discovered.
On here we often talk about 'doing' what works. Well in your sitch it has always appeared that when you decide to plough your own furrow, regardless of your W, your W comes running. So, I would stop pandering too her.....when you do she just takes you for a ride. You don't need to be unkind about it. Just be calm, firm and consistent. Tell her what you have found out, tell her about how much this is affecting your career, tell her you can't continue this way and things have got to change. Also, take away the purse strings....it reads like you are buying her affections. She needs to stay, if she is going to, because she loves you, not for your purchasing power.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Nice to hear from you again. That's the whole point. She isn't "in love" with me and refuses to let OM go.
It's a no brainer of a decision to make but it is going to take enormous strength to do it. I think I will go back to England where my parents and sisters are and stay with them before I figure out what to do with my life. I came to Sydney in 1999 and met W shortly afterwards. Everything about this town is connected with her in some way and it just tears me apart.
Oh well... I just hope that the adage "time heals all wounds" is true and that I find another wonderful woman some day to love and cherish as my wife - applying all the lessons I've learned from the mistakes of this marriage.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
We are in a similar place. I came to NZ in 1999 from the uk with my kiwi w. i know exactly what you mean. Everywhere you go you've been with w and get reminded of her all the time.
Yeah time does make things better - i've heard the pain never goes completely just gets so small that you can ignore it.
I have done something that some of you veteran DBers would caution against but I am beyond caring.
OM put the pictures of W back on his Flickr account so I called him. I was polite, firm and succinct and we spoke for about 90 minutes. It turns out that my W has been completely deceiving both me and him for the last 9 months. He has also been absolutely shafted throughout this entire episode and from the very beginning and hurt many times. He said he would remove the pictures which he has done but W is still listed as one of his contacts.
The little worm was apologizing to me profusely and really afraid that I would harm him because I know where he lives.
It turns out he is not moving to Eastern Europe at all - this is a massive deception that my W has spun me.
It's strange. I am beginning to forget what normal felt like but I want it back. W will either agree to my terms for reconciling or I will divorce her. I really don't care any more. OM was saying things that everyone else has been telling me about my W - that she is weird, has some real issues, potential personality disorder etc.
Since I am being told this by a lot of people I am beginning to believe that it is true and that I don't want to be married to someone like that.
Maybe it goes against DBing to do this but I am past caring. I will eventually prevail no matter what and will not be deceived.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
