Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Aussie Girl - Patience might finally be paying off

Sorry girls for posting so infrequently and then posting such mammoth wafflings when I do!

Essie,

I'm SO GLAD to hear what's going on in your life! Sigh... i wish I could get kissed in a car in the rain. It might not look like it from within, but I see movement in your situation.

It means a lot to me that you put so much thought into answering my questions. Can I reflect??


The impression I get, from your thread, is DEFINITELY that he is into you and making an effort. It is just seems to be a cautious effort... probably because the stakes are SO high, and he is probably really scared, and maybe confused about what you want! Which is understandable, because you say on your thread that YOU are confused about what you want too! (like when you said you weren't sure if H is a good life partner for you). I mean, that totally romantic evening where he took that out to the special concert? And then even little things how he drove you to your car. Maybe he just needs more "encouragement"... like how you touched his arm to make it "safe" for him to kiss you. And/or encouragement in terms of celebrating what he does, like being complementary about the restaurant. I MIGHT EVEN TRY CONTACTING HIM MORE FREQUENTLY. Is it possible he is waiting for you to initiate every time? (Might be projecting here)


Well, I have definitely been guilty of this myself... not being happy and not taking steps to fix my life. Can I tell you a story? I have a really good friend who was dating a guy who was SUPER irresponsible (she had to call him to make sure he got up in the morning) and a terrible alcoholic. She hated having to "take care of him." She broke up with him and over a year he started to get his act together and made a lot of major changes his life. A couple years later they got married and now they are totally happy. I am sure your H is just as capable as making these changes. Can you be more specific about what these changes are? What, other than mothering, in the past, has encouraged him to make these changes? Is it possible he is suffering from depression? It is probably also really hard for him to be apart from you. And I bet he doesn't have the same support that you do... on the BB and in RL!



Hmm... these are all very general attributes. can you think of a baby step example in each of these categories?



What is it with these guys? We get hotter and hotter, and they just get hairier and more confused!!



LOVE IT!! (as a fellow restaurant choice control freak [in recovery])


Maybe you should say things like, "I LOVE IT when you put your arm around my waist!" (with a big loving smile and a squeeze)



This reminds me a little bit of my own situation. What has worked for me is to bring up "heavy topics" in my own life that have NOTHING to do with the R. Like I told B about the memorial concert for a friend of mine who had died, and later that same conversation he started talking about how he and I had similar dreams, and how a movie I had recommended to him had made him cry. I don't know if the two are related, but I think me bringing up emotional stuff that is not R-related made him feel safe to be more vulnerable with me. Have you tried this yet?



Of course!!! But I am not sure he knows where it is heading, any more than you do. I think we have to have different criteria here... not the same criteria we would have if we met someone new and flung ourselves into it headlong. the pace is going to be so much slower because both parties are going to be so cautious!!

I might experiment with contacting him more and asking him to see you more, but NO expectations. It sounds like he really cares about you and enjoys spending time with you (and kissing you!!), just that he is cautious and scared. I would still wait for HIM to bring up an R talk, instead of initiating.

Also, if he is still struggling in his own life, it is probably BETTER that things are moving slower between the two of you. Remember when you said you didn't want to reconcile until you finished some stuff around your house? It sounds like he has "inner housekeeping" to do, that hopefully this space will give him an opportunity to do as well.

I don't know how you could communicate your frustration with his "stuckness" without him taking it as a total judgement/rejection. It is also possible that he really treasures your input and problem solving abilities and is struggling without you. But there's got to be a middle ground where he can take care of himself and you can help without resenting it!!! What would passionate marriage say on this topic??

BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!
((((ESSIE)))))
love,
T

OMG that was so long!!!

(((((Future Girl))))

I'm so pleased to see you! I think about you all the time too! I'm OK- thinking and waiting. CEO keeps giving me butterflies, which is really not good. He has such a manly chest and I keep wanting to touch his hair. Awful!


I was just wondering, have there been any R talks at all since the big one in August where he said he missed you? I completely understand not wanting to have R talks, but I just wonder whether H is confused or expecting you to bring up R talks and is therefore waiting for you to make a move? (I seem to remember you saying once that initiating R talks was something you used to do, but maybe I'm imagining it, or thinking of myself!)


I think he IS into you, but he's scared you're not into him. Kalni's H said that he's ask her out more, or to go away for weekends but he's scared she doesn't want to go. Could your H be suffering from the same thing? One problem I have with the B*tch book is that it doesn't encourage you to encourage men, but just to back off. CEO was telling that he needs some encouragement to approach a woman usually (and he's like a walking testosterone lollipop), so I wonder if men need a bit more encouragement before they can really pursue. Women control the pace of a relationship usually- men are so fragile in their egos and scared of getting hurt (which is so annoying considering that our H's walked away and hurt us like they did).


Do you think it would be worth telling H what you need from him? I think an important part of piecing is to state your boundaries and needs so the other party can work towards addressing them. You'll feel like you're doing most of the work by having to explain things to him, but because he's lost he needs some kind of map to find his way back into your heart....


Ummm...... I don't think you need to file, but I do think you might need to change your expectations. You guys have a lot of history together, and I don't know of many piecing stories where the WAS has come running back, guns blazing and full of romantic genstures as you might have in a new R. It's a slow burn with both parties being scared and tentative. Keep looking for baby steps, and be up-front about what you need. Give him a map (I'm laughing at the analogy, but men are SO bad at asking for directions!!)


That's sweet.....


Did you leave it for so long to give him a chance to chase you? I know that's what the B*tch book advises, but see above for my reservations on this. It doesn't seem like backing off encourages him to chase, so would it be worth trying something different?


How did he react to that? did he want his stuff, or was he surprised? I just wonder if giving him his things sends a signal about where you think your current R is heading?


YAY!


That's so lovely! I love the arm around the waist thing- CEO put his hand on my waist last week and I thought my pants would explode!


Did he talk much during the dinner? Could he join you in what you're doing? One thing I've noticed about my H is that while he's pleased I have a busy and fun life, hearing about it makes him feel as though there's no space in my life for him, so he got scared to ask me to do things because he thought I was always busy. The past few times we've spoken about weekend plans etc I've made sure to say that I had a quiet evening in, or a quiet weekend. I think it might have reassured him a bit because he's asked me out next week. Just a thought....


So jealous! I'm not sure I can remember how to kiss any more!


Have you tried talking to him about anything that's not light and happy? Just wondering if it got bad results, or is an assumption. I think at some point you guys will need to talk about things, although I'm not sure when the right time would be. Maybe once you've drawn a bit closer again... (?)


I think if I was here, I'd want to get him to open up on subjects that are unrelated to the R. How does he feel about his work, other problems he might be experiencing, any worries he has. I'm not sure if he's doing that, but I think if yu could show him you're a good friend and understanding/supportive of his problems it would make an R talk that much easier to have, and he might initiate it himself thinking that you're such an understanding and loving wife that he was crazy to leave and he MUST move back to you as soon as he flipping-well can!


You're in control- I think you need to decide whether you're willing to commit to ebuilding the R at some point. I know it's hard considering that you'll feel like you're doing all the work, which is why I wonder if it's worth giving H a map and seeing if he can step up a bit more. (I, like the Lovely one, have a soft spot for your H).


LMAO- couldn't have said it better myself. It's like a disease aswell- I notice it creeping into all of my life- wait, be patient, look for baby steps.

How are you otherwise? I hope work is still busy and you're continuing to be your amazingly beautiful Hot Girl self!! And sorry for the mammoth post- T and I might be able to write a book between us!

L. xx

Maybe we could write an ENCYCLOPEDIA

((ESSIE))((LISA)))

Huge Hugs to you T and Lisa! Thank you so much for the time you take to write and guide me!

There was definitely a lot of food for thought in what you wrote. So I experimented and here are the results. Am I missing something? Or is H just a jerk as it appears. Grrrr! Today I want to file for D and put a full stop at the end of this mess!

Text message exchange at 10am Sunday morning
Essie:"Hi. Hope you've had a relaxing weekend? Do you want to do something fun later today?"
H: "Sorry got too much quoting to do and washing and cleaning sorry if im old and boring! How was your party yesterday?
Essie: "Party last night was good met some lovely people. Enjoy your housework and work"

That totally sucks because its 10am - and if he wanted to see me he could squeeze me in later this afternoon / evening, once he got his work out of the way. Stupid boy. So totally over his mixed messages.

Am I going crazy?

I'm thinking that's it I will blow him off next time he asks to do something with me... I'll be too busy washing my hair!

And now if he contacts me the only thing I can think of to say is

"H I'm confused about what it is that you want. Are you able to be clearer about what it is that you want, in terms of how much contact you want to have with me and how much involvement you want to have in my life, and how much involvement you want me to have in yours?"

Do reckon this would blow it? The thing that I hate about that is it would tell me what I want to know, but it puts him in control of the speed of our R, and I dont get to say that I'm not even sure I want this relationship with him.

Lisa - do you think that there are is a secret group of CEO's hiding somewhere that will come looking for us soon?

BTW - 10th of December will be our 8th wedding anniversary

Essie... I feel your dissatisfaction and disappointment! I'm wondering, do you have more success with more specific invitations? Like, "would you like to catch a movie with me at 5.47 pm?" instead of something open-ended? Maybe he will think, "What a great idea! I'll try extra hard to get my laundry done before I go to the movie, but I can't be late, so if I can't finish my laundry I will do it tomorrow, after the movie!"

????????????????????

love,
T

((((Future Girl)))))

Man, your H is SO confusing. I actually think he's worse than my H and CEO combined for confusing behaviour, which is really saying something!

I love that you experimented with something different and asked him to do something with you, and it's so frustrating that he didn't take the bait. I'm not sure that filing for D is the answer though ( ). Do you think that inviting him to do something with a bit more notice might work better? I also liked T's specificity suggestion- try varying the approach until you get success. I realise that's going to mean having to ask him to do stuff a couple more times, which isn't ideal considering he's the one who said he wanted to work on things, so I guess it's something to think about.

I think it might be worth trying not accepting an invitation next time he asks you (unless he asks you to do something amazing for your anniversary- I'm hoping he will and sending vibes round the world to him to do it). Maybe that'll get him a bit confused as I feel he's taking your good graces a bit for granted at the moment......

The other option would be, as you say, to ask him straight out what's going on. I don't think you guys had a conversation about what seeing each other again should look like when you first started going out, did you? (Or maybe I'm losing my memory- sorry if I am!). It just doesn't feel to me, from reading, that there's enough contact going on to constitute a proper dating relationship. It must be so frustrating.

I don't think you'd blow it if you told him you were unsure of whether you want to keep pursuing the R- it's true for a start, and it'd give him the opportunity to step things up. I guess it depends on how much guilt you feel he carries, and how genuine he is in wanting to work on the R/dating thing. If your feeling is that he was genuine in it, I'd definitely give it a try...

Sorry if I'm a bit ambivalent. I'm also confused by his behaviour, especially after he was so amazing in the summer planning that concert and everything.


I sincerely hope so, and I hope they're all walking testosterone lollipops ripe for licking who can't get enough of us and pursue us until we can no longer resist!! (So naughty- having one of those days!)

L. xx

Hey Essie

I've been reading along and I wondered... I read somewhere that guys like a time, place and purpose. They respond better (I can't remmeber why) something about women not being clear enough and waffling I think. You could try that.

When you were together who was the care-taker of your relationship? I know that you want your h to step up a bit more but he sounds like he needs a little nudge. It worked when you bought the tickets for the concert as it was pre-arranged. Once you start getting into a bit more of a regular pattern of seeing each other more you will start to understand each others needs again and he may well initiate. He may well be thinking that you are too busy at the moment and may not have time to see him. He may be unsure about invading.

You could maybe combine planning a start of an evening/ day and seeing if he takes some initiative once you get into the swing, in an untesting kind of way. What I mean is that fun times may happen organically from that and those tend to be the most fun times when stuff isn't pre-planned by one partner and you work together to create positive memories.

Just my thoughts...