I'm beginning to see not what's been lost or what's missing, but what's been gained.
Your signature says a lot. This kind of realization was a turning point for me. It is hard to see it when we are in agonizing pain. We can often have a head-knowledge of it but cannot feel it on a day by day basis.
When the pain subsides and we gain a deeper understanding of appreciating what has been gained, the losses begin to fade.
Sounds like you have a meaningful sense of this.
Ciao.
Chaz
Hey..I'm living that signature line..I have an awesome life IMO. Kim was holding me back, not letting me live. My life is and will be so much better and meaningful with her just being a co-parent.
The quicker you let go & drop the rope the faster you come to this conclusion in my opinion. Some people grasp this faster than others and the ones who get it quick are the Lucky ones IMO.
I've never posted to you before but "welcome Back"
I agree, edit nothing. Because here, my friend, we understand. Best to save the muck and uck for us, and your close friends. I deal out my 'crazy' in pieces to many.
Quote:
I spewed to a friend last night and I think I have remmants leaking out.
It will bubble over. Then settle. Then bubble over. Its ok.
Gypsy, I definately unload my negative energy here. I get a better reception than if I was to go to STBXH and look like the crazy ExW. It helps me to process all of the crap that I have had to face and I get to feel like someone might care. With STBXH, I would feel even worse after telling him how I felt. We are here for you, let it out unedited.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Gypsy--got your message; I'll get in touch tomorrow.
The hard part comes in cycles, and will swirl back out again (like the turds in the toilet!).
I remember the mental resistance I would have against people saying "Its over, move on, he is selfish..." I kept clinging to who I knew, not wanting to admit that that was another time, a different person and set of circumstances. You come to accept it in bits and pieces, as you can. You can't rush through any of this, but know that you have been doing SO well...
Hi Ms Butterfly, keep venting the emotional garbage. We all have thick raincoats and big umbrellas.
It's so healthy to get it out.
HUGS
I'm not sending chocolate, since you over did the mallomars (sp) ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hey Chazz, FL, Mikey, RMG, Heartfelt, Cookie, lwb, Donna and everyone else who checks up on me..
*hugs*.. Thank you!
Getting angry and wallowing is easy for me. Getting angry and letting it out is tough. Growing up in the South I always wanted to be a 'good girl' which meant never making a fuss or being a bother (which I'm sure I was anyway!).
It felt good to let the anger out to a friend and a bit surprising with how much that spewed. It was upsetting that it seemed to keep leaking.. I didn't like that feeling at all and am afraid of it. Can I ever stop screaming once it starts? Will I be lost, lose who I am, want to be?
If I read this on someone else's thread I'd encourage (or tell) them to let loose. I'm also afraid of him or someone he knows finding this thread and using it against me (paranoid?). I always feel like I have to protect myself (a legacy from my father's abuse?). I'm afraid that what's beneath the joy and creativity is still a worm (self defeating behavior?). I'm afraid to take risks (weenieosity?)
Ah ha.. a life lived in fear, paranoia, control, limitation, low expectations and risk aversion sounds very limiting.. like trying to do cartwheels in a straightjacket.
Here goes..
Stream of consciousness..
Whatever comes out
Expletive expected (but conveniently deleted by filters)
I'm being divorced by a man I knew would be at the very least my best friend for life within five minutes of meeting him. He rushed into love, wanting to be married. I was amazed that someone so incredible wanted to know me, all of me and accept it all feeling compassion for me rather than looking down at my faults. He said I was "The Best" that he would protect me always. I was afraid to believe it.. but I did.
I grew up afraid of my father, afraid of men, afraid of relationshipsehips. I wanted them but always turned into a lost whirling needy soul if I got past the incredibly fun girl you'd want by your side friendship stage. I'd hate msylef but couldn't stop or seem to stop. I begged for acceptance. Good friends in college taught me a lot.
With each child we head I learned more about love. I was so afraid of hurting my first child, a son, the way my father hurt me I was nearvous. I was afraid to pick him up while he slept and snuggle him. I would walk halfway into the room to make sure he was sleeping peacefully but not advance any further. Each child I learned to be more relaxed, more loving. That what happened to me would not transfer to my child. The first two were boys and I was initially afraid of their penises. But babies are so cute and loving.. raxpberries on the bellies and suggling followed.. the the unconditional love of a the mama.
I'O , tu[omg wojt ,u eues c;psed amd jottomg sib,ot ratjer tjam cprrect ,u errprs/ O a;waus ;ole tp sjpw gppd tjpigj ,u jpise os a ,ess/
Ot tppl ,e mome uears tp rea;oze O was amgru atBo;;/ Tje wau je [i9sjed awau frp, ,e pr tje dos,ossa; pr se[aratopm O fe;t/ EAcj Cjrosta,s we d be at a cp,[amu damce pr we d gp pit diromg tje uear amd damc e amd Od be c;pse tp jo, amd waot fpr tje fee;omg// tjat fee;omg pf ;pve // tjat war, amd acce[tamce sirrpimdomg ,e/ Ot was ,u re;oef tjat tje ;pve. tje cpmmectopm was tjere/ As ;pmg as O fe;t wjatever tjat was wjem we damced O lmew tjomgs were plau/ O ca t re,e,ber wjem ot stp[[ed pr wjem O pr we stp[[ed damcomg// pr O avpoded ot// pr cjpse tp jamg pit wotj froemds om a cpmvova; emvorpm,emt/
O fe;t jige;u doa[[pomted wjem O tp;d jo, wjat O meede frp, jo, tp fee; bettera bpit ,use;f. tp ,pve ajead/
Je os bo[p;ar. ,amo ce[ressove om tjpse daus/ Je wpi;d [resemt as a ,amoc// twoce om tje ,arroage severe;u de;isopma; amd a bot terrofuomg amd bewo;deromg tp be arpimd/ Ot see,s tjat diromg tjpse to,es wjem jos ,omd was s[ommomg pit pf cpmtrp; pccasopma;;u je d be ab;e tp cp,e tp tje sirface amd je;[ ,e je;[ jo,. govomg ,e dorectopm pm wjat je meeded befpre tje ,amoa c;ao,ed jo, agaom/ O pfterm fe;t tje we;;s[ormg pf ;pve pm;u dee[eemd/
O was sp amgru after tje secpmd e[ospde // momteem uears agp wjem tje ,amoa was fp;;pwed bu a sever de[ressopm/ O was bu jos sode. si[[prtomg jo,. govomg om tje [irest wau/ O fe;t sp gppd tp be sp tjere fpr jo,/ Uet je dodm t wamt tp meed sp,epme tje wau je meeded ,e/ Je started wrplomg jarder tjam ever tp [rpve jo,s;ef. pftemto,e dpomg tje wprl pf tjree [ep[;e/ Je cp,,ited tp Eirp[e/ O was ;pme wojt forst pme upimg cjo;d. tje twp// a fpir uear p;d amd a mewbprm as je beca,e ,pre pf a stramger/ Uet O ra;;oed// tp;d jo, je je was becp,omg ,pre pf a stramger am omter;p[er om pir ;oves// tjat je jad tp cp,e jp,e pm tje weelemds/ Je ,ade tje sacrofoce tp dp tjat/// je d [semd everu mogjt je was jp,e te;;omg pir spm tje ,pst omcredob;e stproes// mew eacj mogjt/
Uet// wjere os tje amger O pm;u see, tp be sp tjamfi; at wjat we accp,[;osjed/
Ear;u om pir ,arroagel after tje bortj pf apir spm wjem je was a uear p;d// O receoved am amgru ca;; frp, a ,am/// Upir jisbamd os javomg am affaor wojt ,u wofe"! Pj mp// mpt ,u Bo;;/ O asled tje ,am fpr [artoci;ars/ O tjoml je ca;;ed ,pre tjam pmce bit je wpi;dm t sau amutjomg ,pre tjam tjat/ Tje ,am was veru veru amgru/ O tp;d Bo;; abpit ot tjat mogjt// je demoed ot// agreed ot was a [raml ca;;/ {erja[s je evem tppl pme pf tje ca;;s/ Ot s pm;u om jomdsogjt )pr re wrotomg jostpru_ tjat jos vpoce jad tje sa,e jesotatopm as ot dpes mpw// wjem je ;oed abpit jos re;atopmsjo[/ Pme to,e after a tro[ tp ger,amu je ca,e bacl amd ,ade ;pve tp ,e om sicj a dofferemt wau tp tje [pomt wjere O cpi;d see wjat amptjer wp,am ;ppled ;ole/ A;tjpigj ot fe;t omcredob;e O stp[[ed ot becaise ot was sp dostirbomg/ Wjem O asled jo, abpit ot je ascrobed ot watcjomg [prm om jos rpp,/ Bit jpw dp upi get tjat de;ocate kist rogjt semsatopm pf sqieezomg tje mo[[;es tjrpigj a ,pvoe
Ptjer to,es ot wpi;d be wo;d// amd O d tjol tje best sex ca,e rogjt befpre ,amoc attacl/// was ot/
