Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy trying to be patient and strong 7

Oh NoCodes, that was beautiful. Karen, I hope you can see how strong you have become. I remember the lady who would apologise to her H for everything, even the things HE did. YOu are growing so fast and are doing wonderfully. I always love your sweet nature. Karen, he left you because HE is the one broken, you are the one finding yourself. Keep smiling.

Thanks you guys! Yeah, BH, I felt really good about emailing him pointing out he was rude and I would expect him to treat me as I treat him. He actually did get more respectful after that, and I know that's something I wouldn't have done a year ago, or prob. even 6 months ago. I need to continue to point out his bad behavior I think like that and ask him to stop, if nothing else I felt really good about myself, and his behavior did improve too, well for that day anyway!

NC, you're right--I got better in spite of the divorce. I was already depressed and finding out about the D and the OW, and the same week finding out about my brother's brain tumor just really devastated me and made me even more depressed. The fact that he views that as being somehow beneficial to me is crazy. I think they just have to justify to themselves; well my A and D is actually good for everyone. I told him it hasn't been good for me and the kids but sad and stressful. I guess he really means the D is good for him, and in a weird way, I hope so b/c to do what he did to the family I hope he is happy enough at least to justify that.

Puppy, thanks for giving me the pass this time. I was really expecting the 2x4s, and if I do that again, I will very much deserve them!!! Karen

Yeah I agree with Puppy on this one. No reason to scold you for the emails this time around. If they brought you some closure, then obviously this type of email conversations are just what you needed. However.....you now have no reason to ever "go there" again.

It just baffles me how our spouses (ex spouses) can twist things to try to make the divorce seem like the best thing for us. Wouldn't it be nice for them to acknowledge that D is an awful thing that can happen to anyone? But no...instead like to make it sound like they are helping you out by divorcing.

I know exactly what you mean here. Not that I wish him happiness through adultery by any means, but there's some small sense that if he ends up miserable after causing so much agony it's all such a waste. It's not logical, but I do know what you mean!

I agree with Puppy. But I also wanted to point this out--it sounds as if you were conversing with him for the purpose of your own closure, saying things you needed to say. It doesn't sound like you were in this email exchange to provoke any kind of response from him. In other words, you were meeting your needs. And that's a good thing. I agree that this should not become an ongoing dialogue, or it won't be closure any longer! But I don't hear you saying that this opened new doors of hope in your relationship and you want to continue it or anything like that. I hear you saying that this led you to be able to close the necessary doors.

Yes, in my mind I don't think this has changed anything for either of us. I do feel some closure kind of getting out some of this stuff in a discussion way. We've mostly just argued about stuff before but that's never given me any feeling of peace or closure or anything. We were just kind of discussing, what we thought, about our M the last couple years and stuff like that, and a lot of it was the same, except that he thinks D will cure or fix him and has already worked for me, and I don't think D is the magic solution that he thinks it will be. Whether M or D, I think the only way to change is to really work on it, do therapy, or whatever. But I feel like he knows where I'm at and understands me at this point as much as he's capable, don't know why that feels good, but it does. I am nutty, thanks for understanding me!!! Karen

Hey Karen, just checking on you. What about a 180? Stopping him from feeling like he has any kind of control over you. Cut him off completely. Engaging him isnt working with giving you peace. Glad you were able to tell him some of your feelings, but why not just let him go now? I know you are trying to move on, but each time you engage with him, you are letting him back into your world. Detaching and going dark was the best thing I could have done for my own sanity. You are such a sweet person, I hate to see him keep walking all over you. You deserve so much better.

Thinking of you.

BH, you are so sweet!!! I just posted on H4H's thread before reading your post here, and I swear it was just about what you posted here. I've been super busy the past 2 days, did art club yesterday afternoon, came back and worked out for an hour and did an hour of bible study. Today did chores & then helped S14 finish up his virtual school homework (he got a lesson behind this week with having the flu but his teacher said it's ok). Then did a Halloween art class with D8 and we painted pumpkins and made Halloween jewelry. So much fun.

Yesterday a really nice lady from church called and let me know they have a part-time temporary job at the Art Center (where I was today). I had mentioned to her a month ago I was looking for a part-time job and she remembered and somehow got my cell phone. I turned in my resume today (the woman thinks it will be about 2 months they need someone while the regular person's bf is in hospital in another town in intensive care. The person from my church had told her all about me and I guess said good things. Coincidentally, before this happened I was at the Art Center on Tuesday and the director of the Art Center had wanted to give brochures out at my church and another church, so I told her I would do that at my church and give them out to the kids at the afterschool program that afternoon. So maybe my good deed will get rewarded if I get this temporary job. The lady from my church was saying even after the 2 months, I might be able to help out the regular 2 women possibly when they go on vacation or get sick, or maybe if they ever hire someone permanent they'll keep me in mind. Plus it would be current job experience to put down on my resume. The lady that took my resume also said she looked it over and came up while I was at the workshop to let me know she had worked at the Public Defender's Office (one of my first jobs) in our town (I worked one town over, but she knew a lot of the same people I worked with and is friends with them and says everyone that works there is very friendly and outgoing so I guess she sounds like she liked me too. But you know with my luck or the economy lately, I won't count on anything until I actually get a paycheck in my hand!!!

Then got home and mowed the lawn while H was here picking up the kids for 20 minutes. We said Hi and that was it. H did wave when he drove off with the kids and I waved back. When I saw H today I honestly didn't feel much of anything but a little disgust. I think he's kind of a mean low-life so much of the time. For a long time, even before this past 2 years I didn't think he was that great an H, but always a good dad, and now I don't even think that about him. I feel ready to move on. Was talking to another mom at the workshop today and she wants to set me up with her dad, but he is a 61 year old granddad. Geez, just 20somethings and 60 somethings in my town-doesn't seem to be many 30-40-or 50 year olds!!! I mean come on that's not that picky. I told her I might take her up on it next year but I'm not really looking forward to dating--ugh!!! Hope everyone's having a good weekend. My L wants me to figure out all my and the kids' expenses this weekend so I'm going to try to do that, but will try to fit in some goofing off and GALing too!!! Karen

karen, you should be ready to move on. You ARE ready to move on. You just keep holding the rope. If your H is ever civil to you, then you can be nice to him. Right now, like my wife, they do not deserve what we give.

I'll pray for you to get that job. Right up your alley, I think.

It was odd to see your post on my thread. Not a single smiley at all.

That's not my karen.

I talked to B a little today. She was venting again. She told me she went out with K last night. She was sooo frustrated. She told me the EXACT same thing you just posted about the age groups. The EXACT same thing. Either 20 somethings or 50 plus'.

I thought that was funny.

Nothing funny about that!!! Either I have to rob the cradle or date someone my dad's age. Although I guess we'd get a lot of senior citizen discounts when we go out so that's the silver lining!!! Sorry for the non-smiley post--I'll try to work on that!!!

Yeah, the job would be great! It's only a block away from the house so the kids could come see me if they need (hopefully not too often though). And it's a gorgeous 2 story house type building with pine floors and beautiful. There aren't too many people that go there except when they have classes, it wouldn't be a super stressful jobs. Artists are very interesting people, and people that like art. So would love that!

When I did that art class today, one mom with 2 girls around my D8's age, maybe even 6 or 7. I guess the mom didn't like the pumpkins they painted, she said they didn't use enough color, and wiped off their pumpkins and had them do it again!!! My D8 did a beautiful pumpkin but even if she painted it black or something, I would tell her it was beautiful and think it was too. Crazy!!! Karen