Speaking of turds, what a turd he is for just dropping you immediately from health coverage the day of the divorce.
Don't talk to him. Do not. If anything, give your list of what you want from the divorce, and have your lawyer give it to his lawyer. Or bypass the lawyers and send an email to him with a list. No calling, no real life voice. Nope. Feel free to hire a new lawyer, one that eats walk away spouses for breakfast.
New account with her name on it? Oh that just has blecky all over it Gyps, I am so sorry.
The sheer force of the OW's name on anything is overwhelming. You were right about the FANTASY connection you have with him. This is Business/War. Work through you L. You're too emotionally close to it to be rational. Listen to your L. Throw his worthless as* under the big Bus!
Well I did call him, listened.. then told him where I was. I'd forgiven him, didn't hate him, didn't hold any grudges against him. That earlier I was so devastated and recovering from the head injury that processing information had been next to impossible.
I envisioned an endless line of court dates, money flowing out.. for what? A marriage that didn't even exist? Someone who was firmly ensconsced in his new life? A place I didn't want to be?
Divorce is tough. I have to trust my lawyer because she knows the law. But if it becomes all about lawyers then you have two very good professionals doing their best to see that their client wins, is protected. I'd like half.. it goes against precedence.. but heck.. that's what I'd like.
I let go last night.. and it was a beautiful thing. All the ick just sloughed off.. no big light bulb moment. His new joint bank account had been a surprise but in the end a good kick in the ass, head, etc.
I don't hate him. I don't wish him ill. I plan to have positive interactions with him. He has his own stuff that's his.. I have no control over that.
I will be who I am.. and stay the course.
If I have a bad day.. well heck.. better ones are around the corner.
So.. we agreed to sit together, the four of us.. him, me and our lawyers and start the process. Well.. I'm running it past my lawyer to see what she thinks. If she disagrees, we'll talk.. otherwise it's a go forward. He dropped the support court date perhaps as a gesture of goodwill.
During our conversation I was surprised when he spoke of the hurt he felt about the aggressive stances taken against him, etc. My shackles went up.. then I smoothed them down. It's all perceptions. His perspective, mine. We're in different places, each going our own way.
I felt like I had an 'lwb' moment.. thinking.. wow.. this is soooo cool.. such a neat feeling to talk like a person to this guy.
Oh beautiful Gypsy, this just sucks so bad. I am sooooo sorry (((HUGS)))) You have handled everything with such grace, now it is time to step back and let the daogs (Ls) fight it out. No need to get into that mess.
Scream at the top of your lungs when you feel the need to, call him every freakin name you can think of, let it all out because he is that and more. Then, find your beautiful children and love them. Sing the happiest song you can think of and dance! Try not to let him have so much power over your emotions (and this is so hard because I am right there with you). You are the one who has grown through this....look at your wonderful list and how much you have accomplished. What has he done.....run away from problems, abandonded his children and avoided the true work of finding inner peace. No, sweety, when this is all done and over you will see the blessing it was. Sometimes I think we want our WAS back so badly because it was comfortable and fimiliar. This stuff is down right scary. Yet, I think because of our growth, we will be the ones who find the happily ever after while they continue to live with unhappiness. Just my opinion.
Im thinking of you and hope you have found a more peaceful place today.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Thank you all for chiming in and sharing great thoughts, support, hugs and caring.
Someone suggested this book as a good read... something I'm trying to incorporate in my life. Here's the gist:
The 'Four Agreements' are very simple, but very profound. To embrace and live each of the Four Agreements is to find yourself experiencing personal freedom--possibly as never before. The Four Agreements are:
Be Impeccable With Your Words Don't Take Anything Personally Don't Make Assumptions Always Do Your Best
From the cover of the book:
Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
Don't Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Here's some stream of consciousness.. (not to beconfused with the agreements!)
Gypsy no wanna be merried no more no more. The dawg did bark hes last bowwow De man stopped asniffin the Gypsy tail and go find hem sumptin else.
De man.. de man.. he did left.. Da Gyspy took tha right Each o dem spin spin spin Farder and farder 'way in de night.
No mo marriage of da love It be marriage of de bidness End by showin' respeckt not de precedent. End as a man o hees werd.. End as a ladee fine.
On a positive note, I went to the gym to meet with the personal trainer and was 15 minutes late! I had the time wrong in my mind... oops!
I'm really out of shape... surprise! She said she could tell I was strong... (YaY.. wrassling boys as a Texas girl paid off). She said I had good form and could tell I had done this in the past... (YaY.. I love compliments even when I'm gasping too desperately for breath to acknowledge them.)
She said I was going to do great when I did the crunches where you pull up with your hands behind your head and then lift a big ole yoga ball toward your elbows by digging in your feet to pull it forward.
I saw how super light the weights were and was THANKFUL! Let me tell you.. I get this outta shape.. I will take any bit of help. It is funny feeling the muscles on my back that attach to the side of my ribs today. When I lift my arms it feels like someone severed angel wings I never knew I had.
Ms. Donna.. I tried to get ahold of you to do something last night. My middle son called (who's a college freshman) about coming home this weekend. The ride he could have gotten had already left. I'd said I'd bring him back if he could get a ride home. I wavered.. my poor floofy body was sooo tie-tie. When my daughter did that melt your heart thing.. "I miss my brudder." we called my son to let him know we'd pick him up (and take him home).
Part of me had avoided doing it because he was coming down to see his dad and his father wouldn't put forth the effort to see our son. Then like a buddy pointed out.... Let's see.. you get to have at least an hour and a half alone time with a child you rarely see... What's could be wrong with that equation? (Don't you sometimes hate folks who can see the big picture so well.. and are so thankful you know them? *hugs*)
We had dinner before leaving his school at this one restaurant we really like. It was the same place we went to tell the kids about their dad wanting a divorce. Last night we were seated right next to that fateful corner table for six. The kids sat with their back away from it. I was a little heart twinged at times, part of me reliving that terrible severing pain. It did help there was a wild child (about 2.5 years old) at that spot who'd grab the curtains that were about 15 to 20 feet long and tug them with all her might. Wondering about how hard those puppies could land on us was a helpful distraction.
So.. he's home, we're making some favorite foods tonight.
****
Last night I read my lawyer's reply that had some very good pointed questions and thoughts about going forward with what spouse and I discussed.
I'll compose a reply later today about what I see as a conflict.. and what her advice is.
