Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis a million miles away....

A million miles away. That's where I feel H is right now. I feel like he and I are worlds apart and it makes me sad.

Haven't posted in about a month. I needed to really focus on me and the kids. Getting them ready for school and moving forward.

The end of august found H working more and more. I had very little contact from him...an occasional tm asking something trivial, very unpersonal birthday gifts he bought me from the kids (i.e. a gas gift card...not that i minded), and when he was here to visit d13 and I was around he didn't stay too long and barely spoke.

The weird thing is...it helped me to think about him less.

The kids got back to school after labor day. H informed me he will now be working 7 nights a week. He is here most days after school for about a half our to see d13 and stops by for about an hour on saturdays and sundays before work. Today not at all. He was working a double.

H looks terrible. Very tired. I have to wonder if he will ever hit bottom as he keeps self-medicating (i.e. MOW, work,alcohol etc).

I am not sure why he has so little contact with me right now. I am not sure if he is looking for me to chase him or if he is withdrawing. The 2x he tm'd me this week were about trivial things and very brief. When he was by yesterday he was very quiet. Said his neck hurt from working (he had an operation on it about 6 years ago). He looked very uncomfortable.

Snodderly, I am thinking the depression is hitting him...either that or he is truly done with me since I am not playing the game anymore. Not sure what to think....just not sure.

Anyway, yesterday I saw h's parents at a church picnic I took d13 to. Both gave me a big hug and a kiss and were so much more friendlier to me than they were last time I saw them. Strange.

S16 is going for his driving test next saturday. I have to say i am a little nervous. H's sister gave us her H's car (an old volvo)since he got a company car and my dad is having it fixed up perfect for him. I know H doesn't agree about s16 having a car, but I just need something to get him to school and swim practice so that I have a little relief.

Snodderly, question for you and those out there. I have been at this for a long time. H had his first A in oct 2004, recommitted in feb 2005, left in april 2006. It has been a long road. I found myself having panic attacks recently when driving on a major highway in my area. The high speed was frightening to me.

I went to my dr and he put me on paxil cr..15 mg. I have avoided the highway that this occurs on....but will eventually need to go.

I was wondering if anyone has any additional techniques for dealing with panic attacks. I have never experienced anything like this but I also know that the stress that h's mlc has left me with has to be a factor. There is only so much that one can take.

Thanks::
A

Woke up this morning and got my phone. There was a 2 am tm from H. It said "You will be happy to know that I am alone now."
Hmmmm....glad I wasn't awake to receive it. I don't think I will respond. I have been down this road before and must keep expectations at zero.

A

A,
I would just ignore the tm. He's looking for sympathy. He's a big boy and needs to grow up. I guess he was expecting you to pick up the phone at that time of the morning...not!

I know it's extremely hard on you to have to deal w/this, but you'll need to find a way to change your mind set and understand that he really is a million miles aways on the Mother Ship that is circling earth at this moment. All you can do is keep moving forward and the focus on you and your children. Yes, periodically you will get little "post cards" from the pod person and you just have to read them and then put them in a little box and up on a shelf for later.

The most important thing you can do is take care of yourself.

Thanks Snodderly. That's what I am trying to do. Take care of me and the kids.

Today, however was a very strange day. H called me at work. Said he had a check for me for d13's swim fee and wanted to drop it off. I told him to call when he was close and I would run down.

He said he was not working and asked if he could come by later to see d13. I told him fine and asked if he would help me to trim the dogs nails. He said he cut his finger last night and was in the e.r. and didn't know if he would be able to help.

When I went down to get the check and saw H I realized how bad the night must have been for him. From what I understand, from what little he told me, I fear that either MOW or her H went after him with a knife and that is how his finger got hurt. It was unable to be stitched but he received a tetnus shot and major pain pills and anti-biotics.

He said to me "you really don't want to know the whole story about how it happened. let's just say it was a bad night." I tried to say maybe things would be better tomorrow..and he replied that it is over for good. I ignored the comment. Can't get my expectations and my imagination going. He left to get his prescriptions filled and said he would be at the house when I got home from work and asked if I would let him buy dinner.

H was quite the mess last night. We had pizza and wings and he laid down and slept for quite a while. I could tell he was in a lot of pain....just don't know what hurt more....the finger or the heart. I am hoping he sleeps tomorrow.

So, I am leaving him out there to figure this out. Tomorrow is another day and he is so addicted to MOW he could try to fix things with her....although I don't know what happened for sure.

As for me it is one day at a time and trying not to think about what transpired. Just leaving H to God.

A

Well, After the finger incident....I distanced myself from H. I couldn't handle the drama. I saw him for only a few minutes last weekend and that was that. D13 told me he and MOW made up (I didn't ask....she just told me she was annoyed with h when they were shopping because he spent all of his time tming mow).

Anyway, all was quiet until last night. H was supposed to take d13 to the dentist today and he called to tell me he couldn't take her because he was not feeling up to it.

I asked if he was ok and he told me he wasn't. That it didn't matter. He was full. He couldn't take any more. He then told me that in a few days I would hate him anyway for what he had done. I asked what he meant by that and he said you will find out.

So, I hung up with h and he then proceeded to tm me. The whole blame thing again (i thought that the anger had passed....). He went on about how all the same MLC lines...I didn't listen to him, I loved him on my terms, he had no say in anything,etc.

My only response to him was that I was sorry he was in pain and that I was not perfect and that I was sorry he was still so hurt. I left it at that.

H was not here for d13 when she came home from school today. She told me he called her apologizing and crying.

So, not sure why I will be hating H. Is he completeing the d? Is he selling the house again? Is it something worse.

UGH...

Trying not to think about it but the fact that he tried so hard to be mad at me and make me angry last night leaves me wondering.

A

A,
Your response to his self pity phone call was perfect. He's feeling sorry for himself and also trying to project everything on to you. You do realize that his perception of his life is off kilter?

Any way, he's probably done something stupid and who knows what it is. It could be he's started the paperwork for the divorce...who knows. All you can do is live your life to the fullest and right now, that's day to day. You just don't know if he was actually being honest about doing something or bluffing. Time will tell.

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I wish I had a magic wand to make it all disappear.

Thanks Snodderly. I wish you had that magic wand as well.

Have been really busy with work and the kids. I am not sure, but I really feel like most days I have really pulled the focus off H and just left him out there.

I went almost 2 weeks without seeing or hearing from h.....until he came by on Sunday for a little bit. It was a very strange visit. He was very quiet and zoned out. Even d13 asked me what was wrong with H after he left. He didn't stay long. Ran to work...or wherever.

Snodderly, I feel as though H has totally distanced himself from me. Stopped all communication and is totally lost in lala land.
Depression? Withdrawal? I know I shouldn't analize but things just feel really strange right now and I guess I am waiting for the rug to come out from under.

As for D papers... H filed in July of 06. Nothing really has moved forward on this. Not sure when he is planning to finish it. I have left it to him to complete. I will not do the work. His family thinks that he will not either because he will then lose my insurance benefits. They think that is the only reason he is hanging on. Who knows.

Anyway, I really am feeling ok....just a little confused about the lack of contact. I thank God for the kids. They fill my days with laughter and joy. I wonder how H will ever get over how much he has lost with them.

Hope all is well....and you are enjoying the fall. The leaves are just starting to turn in Pa. and there was frost on the ground this morning. Looking forward to a long weekend.....

Please let me know what you think.....and I will continue to keep the focus (mostly) off of H.

A

The lack of contact is all part of his journey. A large majority of them do this. It's a sign that he's got some deep issues and is working on them internally (depression once again).

Just let him be and keep the focus on you and your children. There's absolutely nothing you can do for him exact offer up a prayer for him.

Thanks Snodderly:
My questions to you are:
How does he work on his issues if he is still self medicating with MOW?
Do they ever peak out or come out of this?
I know that they are all different in their journeys, but....still wondering.
A

A,
You have to trust in God. They do work on their issues in their own way. Self-medicating soothes the pain, but the depression keeps him in the fog. We don't always see them working on their issues because those issues are internal. Their pain is very real and it's not like you or I would expect it to be. They do not deal w/issues like we would. Unfortunately, I can't answer just how they do this, but they do.

Yes, they will periodically peek out. They generally do this when the depression lifts just a little bit. They can also do this if they sense you are doing something different and not right where they left you when he went into crisis.

Yep, each and every one of them deals with it differently. That's why it's important to read as much as you can about depression.