Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse How to treat a WAW when I've stopped chasing her?

Alliistah,

I know exactly where you have been. Back in the day, I REALLY loved my W and wanted to save the M. My W was he!! bent on ending our M.

Yet, she came every night and slept in our bed. After a few weeks, I had to flat out tell her... You are NOT going to sleep in my bed any longer... If our M is over you need to sleep in the guest room! She started to argue.... Then, she got the message... As badly as I want to cuddle her in bed, I had to establish that boundary.... You need to start setting some boundaries...

I wish I had something else to really help you...

Take Care,

RMG

Hi Alli.

For starters, Thank You for sharing you experiences. I am going through very similar circumstances. I am jealous that my wife texts numerous guy friends. In the past, I've expressed my anger towards her actions and this has never worked out well.

One realization that I came to a little while back is the following:
If my wife leaves. I will be OK. Since I don't have control over whether she will leave, I might as well be OK now.

I understand how difficult it is to make day to day decisions. Especially, when you want to show your wife that you have changed, for the right reasons.

I think about my actions beforehand and wait to make a decision until it is for the right reasons.

I pray a lot, and that is incredibly helpful.

It sounds like you want her to stop playing that game.

Well, it's over. I found out she has a cell phone and then when the bill came she lied about it. This caused a big problem and we started to talk about things again. She is 110% done with the marriage and can't even stand to sleep in the same bed as me.

I think that if she wants out so bad that we should just get on with it. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight but I think I'm going to sleep in my bed from now on. If she wants to sleep there, thats fine. If not, she needs to figure out where she wants to sleep.

I'm very hurt and I'm very angry that she doesn't even want to give it a chance now that I've seen the light. What a cold hearted woman. She won't even give it a try for our kids. All she is thinking about is herself. I've been up since 1am and I can't sleep at all.

I'm so mad and hurt. I feel like if she wants out she should go get a job and start working on being a single parent.

Hang in there brother!

Yes, she is thinking of herself right now, that's the way it goes. I know I have a lot of questions and don't understand much yet, I'm learning all this out too, but, if you want to make this work out in the end, STAND GROUND. Let it roll off, she wants a phone, pfft, let her have her phone. She is seeing sunny green grass on the other side. It won't be until she gets there and a cloud comes overhead will she realize the grass isn't there.

If I get the time, I will post up a link to my initial thread in the necomers sections. I went through a lot of ups and downs in that thread much like yours. Even my thread here shows a significant change towards things getting better over the past few weeks.

Here's what you need to be prepaired for: the reality she may be with someone else, I haven't gone through the last few pagees here but I know you have had a hunch of a OM possibility. I can assure you now, if and when you do find out for sure, that will be THE WORST pain you will ever feel. For the first few weeks I cried so hard that after a while my mouth was side open there should have been screams for miles, but yet no sound.

This is where you need to detach IMO. I know you said you have been doing that in the beginning, but detach now before you emotions get the better of you and make things real bad.

And in my experience, I made the mistake you did of going to the couch. My W has told me flat out, I might as well dropped kicked her out the door because that's what sent her packing.

You have one advantage, she's still there, I'd be looking for a way to keep it as comfortable as possible before that changes.

Oh and for the record, my W flat out told me MANY times from July to September, there was "no M@#$er F!!!ing way in hell" she'd ever even think of working ANYTHING out.

Well, it's a bumpy looking road, but we're starting to plot our way down it.

So since she told you that, what is your current state then after her telling you all that?

I assume you mean how are things now since after she told there was no mf'n way?

We're speaking on sane terms. She wants to redevelop our contact in a "sane, civil matter in order for things to progress". The kink, she still is with OM. But I can tell through her she does not want to be, but yet is scared to let go just yet.

She has said flat out she is confused and doesn't know what to do.

Hindsight, she knows she's wrong, she knows that grass isn't there. Basically IMO her WTF have I done ride has begun.

I just have to better myself and set boundires to work with her on being 'friends' again while she clings to OM, whom I know is showing less and less interest in her, thus gives me the opportunity to express the interest in her that I didn't show that started her on her way out.

Well, I called my wife and told her that I found out about my 401k, how we would deal with the house, and how we would split things. I think that caught her off guard a bit because her voice got quieter and then she said she didn't understand the house stuff. I told her that I think that both of us are emotional right now and that we should probably step back for a while and make sure that this is something that we really want to do because when we do it, it cannot be un-done. It will be forever and it will affect all of us including our two little girls. She agreed. She said that we could talk tonight as long as it was timed for one hour and no longer. I was surprised at this. I'm going to ask her to have this one hour to talk every weekend so that I will know where she is emotionally and I can talk to her about stuff as well. I'm going to ask her what went well for her during the week and what didn't go so well so that we can address any issues and make things better for the both of us. If we don't have much to talk about in those regards I think it would be good for her to tell me about her week and I will listen closely. Maybe she will start to tell me how she is really feeling and maybe it will feel good to her that I am listening for a change. I want to give her the same feedback as well. I also told her that maybe we should move the computer up into her craft room so that I can't hear her playing. I told her that this hurts me the most when I hear her playing with those guys online. She didn't say anything when I suggested that.

Then I have no idea why I asked this, but I did. I asked her if it would still be ok to take her out to dinner every now and then. She said ok. I asked about date nights and she said ok as well.

I'm going to really suggest that we back up to being friends and make a real effort to be friends. Especially in front of the kids. Act as if! So I think that will get us interacting much more and maybe we can get through this.

I still hope and pray that things will work out.

So last night we talked about splitting things up and the conversation turned to what she was walking away from the marriage with as far as wisdom goes. She said a few things but she missed a lot. I told her how her criticism made me feel over the years and it made me feel terrible and that I wasn't capable of doing anything right. She didn't know and she said she was sorry for that but they were just suggestions. I told her they were suggestions TO HER but to the man it is received as criticism and it make my confidence dwindle and all that. She said she was sorry and then we talked about some other stuff and then went to bed.

She slept with my daughter again. I was up around 5am and she came down around 5:30am. She was crying. I asked what was wrong and she said all of this. She is upset that we're doing all this. To make a long story short, we talked about splitting up some stuff and then I told her that I was going to cancel her cell phone since she now has her own. She said she didn't even use it and that she didn't know how to get out of the contract. So I called Verizon Wireless and helped her get through that. She said she would return it today since it is within the 30 days.

Then she kept going on about what was best for the kids and she said that she wanted to feel independant and happy, etc. I told her that we can talk about the changes that we need to make in our lives and that I thought that if she left she would miss out on the best of me now that I've done a 180. I also told her that if she wants what is best for the kids we need to be adults here and try to step back a bit and try to be friends and work things out between us.

Then out of the blue she told me that she changed the password and credit card number on the game account because she was afraid that I was going to take it away from her. She didn't have to tell me this. I think this is a sign of trust. I wouldn't do that anyways, but I am happy that she opened up a bit to me and told me that. I told her that we can move the computer up to her room tonight so that she can have some space and that we should take it easy for a while. I told her that she should think about it today and see what she thinks about that. I have no idea what will happen but I'm doing everything I can to give us time. I told her that I will always love her and that I can fill the void that she has and I hope she can find it to allow me to do so.

So at least she let me help her with her cell phone and she was going to cancel it. If she did that, that means she doesn't really intend on leaving. ..and that she told me she changed the game account info was something that she didn't have to tell me at all. So I hope that I'm reading that correctly that it is a sign of trust and that she knows that I won't hurt her.

Only time will tell. I'll update on how tonight goes.

-Alli

Sounds like progress to me Just make it slow and easy progress.