Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I was unfaithful.......

I've read some people here that say to schedule the "pity parties." In other words, schedule a pity party at 10:00 for 15 min. then get back to business or life; have another one scheduled for 2:00. Then while your busy living life and the thought of him crossed your mind; you always know in the back of your head that your pity party is scheduled for later. Then you can save those feelings for that time and feel them as needed. After that, back to life. I wish I had had that advice 8 months ago.

I think as you force yourself to go out, and accept your invites; you will get past the fear of being without the H. You may even learn to have fun without him. This will give you the confidence to DB and present a strong Mof3 to your H.

But your feelings are normal. We've all been there. We just have different time tables as to when we get there. But I think that the commonality for those of us who are there is that we got stronger in our individuality. Some will reconcile and some will move on.

Hope that helps.

Thanks MC.

Is it pity. I know that it is a s*&# load of emotion and I try to put logic to those feelings , why do I feel that way, what is my fear.... I feel jealousy creeping in now. I do not want that feeling. Everyone that knows him say it is strange behaviour and that he is just punishing. That gives me a little hope but in my head I dont want hope , I want to get over him so that I am a healthy adult.

If it's the same fear that I felt; it would be the fear of losing the person that I thought I was in love with. But it turns out I was fearful of losing the dream of a perfect family. She cannot provide the perfect family, so really maybe I feared losing me; because my identity was lost to being a husband/father. There was no real me. It was all tied up into being with her; so if I lost her, then I lost me.

Now I've found me and I'm much happier. The door's not closed on reconciliation but the ball is in her court. She better serve fast!!

Thanks MC.

Is it pity. I know that it is a s*&# load of emotion and I try to put logic to those feelings , why do I feel that way, what is my fear.... I feel jealousy creeping in now. I do not want that feeling. Everyone that knows him say it is strange behaviour and that he is just punishing. That gives me a little hope but in my head I dont want hope , I want to get over him so that I am a healthy adult.

That's why you get a life - to have your own independent life, free of the drama.

It's great you can get away and it's good you're taking some steps to put up some of your own boundaries. I keep forgetting you live on the other side of the ditch. Hope the shopping trip is good for you.

Just keep DBing! Work on yourself and actively try to not get emotionally "hooked" by things he does. He's going through what he is going through. You're going through what you're going through. Watch out for yourself. It's really just that simple...for now.

I did a bit of retail therapy when I visited relatives in NYC. Wow, that felt good. Just don't max your credit card out like I did! HAHA!

What says once I am free off the drama and he wants to reconcille. Is that possible ? I feel to free myself of this I have to unlove him. I am taking sleeping tablets at night, not eating, barely functioning. IT is horrible.

At this stage no contact is easy to do. any sitch on here about the process of non contact with particular interest to how you know your strong enough to face spouse and not get drawn back to first square again.

Ok more help needed.

I have gone what i think is refered to as ' going dark'.

I have asked for no contact, except for business catch up email on a wed.Is this about what sums up going dark.

My reasoning for doing this is twofold

1. To get some space to heal me.
2. To give him space to think

I know it is essential i do this as he is now starting to date.

He has said " I will always be in his heart " and he has said " that when ever he is with me he feels the pain of the betrayal and he cannnot live with that anymore"

For you guys who have had spouses who have had A, do you understand this feeling and will it go away ?

I ask this , so that I may have a little hope. I am so tired, sad , confused, emotional, sick and mixed up.

It went away for me. The feeling of betrayal was horrible, but it went away. I don't know how, but eventually I stopped thinking of myself and started thinking about everyone else in the situation, in particular my kids, and that is when the feeling dissipated. I couldn't wallow in self-pity for ever. I decided I needed to stand up and just handle it.

So yes, it went away. I want her back, don't I? It went away.

You're gonna have to give him time to think about what he wants next. He ran away from you. At some point he is going to stop running away from stuff and start moving TOWARD stuff, if you know what I mean. And your task is to make yourself the thing worth running TOWARDS.

You cannot fight against his running. He will run whether you fight or not. You can make it easier or harder for him. My advice is to not fight him, just attract him. Look hot, be happy, develop new hobbies, find stuff to keep you occupied.

I am so tired, sad , confused, emotional, sick and mixed up.
Yes I know that feeling. I'm sorry you're hurting. I know it's tough. You've got to get a grip, for yourself, and for everyone around you. Chin up.

In my head I know every logical thing I have to do. I know that getting a life will absolutely be the key. I am thankful that the desire to ring and see him has gone. At least i am not fighting those demons. What I am fighting is the emotional side and my imagination just runs wild. I think of him with this other woman etc and it drives me to being physically sick and yet I cannot put my finger on what he can give her that i desire ! Insightful ? Thoughts

It is Saturday here and my mum and I are going up to our holiday home 5 hours away for a couple of nights. I have organised someone to run the shop and feed the cat.

Next Friday night I have accepted an invitation to a cocktail party and the following night a BBQ. I will need to buy some new pieces of clothing. I know it is going to be rough but i have my sleeping tablets in place and I have set a regular Tuesday appointment with C. I have my very tired support systems in place.

I read your list every morning SPM

I am attractive, I am intelligent and a nice person. I have a big heart I have lovely grown up kids- I am a good mother and I am fine finacially and I have my own business. I am a good catch. Someone out there is going to find a lovely piece of gold when they do.

Ha Ha that sounds so big headed of me - but good. dont feel like smiling but writing that made me.