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Journaling.

I have come to a point within myself that I know what direction I want my life to go in. But more than that I know what I don't want and I don't know how to reconcile the two.

My H's family has been center in our lives for this whole R. Mine (other than my Mother and sister) have not. I have no problem with that really cuz my family hasn't been too close since my GF died. They are all such gossip mongers. But I have realized that I really do not want to deal with H's family anymore.

Most of them are alcoholics. It is difficult for me because I grew up with that and can not stand being around people when they are drunk. It has been a real problem for us within our R. I like each one of the individually but as a group, it is very difficult for me and I want to cling to H while he wants to socalize with his family. Maybe I should add that when he is with them he drinks a lot but doesn't drink much when they are not around. They only call (the ones that live close) when they want something from us and that bothers me. They spew how much they love us but don't act like it. This is a group of people who are nice to each other's faces and then backstab each other to everyone else in the family. It is not really a family, it is a group of people who spend their time together because of blood. Not because they want to. It is always chaos, criticism and in the end not a lot of fun to be around them. Over the last year, with MIL not speaking to anyone, it has been very calm on that front in my home and I do not want any of the crap to come back. I can't say there have been no incidents or contact with them, but it has been with one or two that we can handle. Additionally, I know a lot of the family "secrets" that I don't believe H knows as his M never told him and didn't want him to know. And depending on who in the family you speak to, some of them happened and some didnt'. But it has helped to form my views of a few of them and they are not good and will never be able to be changed. A couple of these I have never and probably will never tell H because I don't want his views of people that he is sort of close with to be changed and this info would definately do that. It has no bearing on him so....

There are two of us who married into/joined this family when we were teenagers and we both have looked at the newer wives and just felt really sorry for them in many ways. The men they have gotten are good men, but they really don't know what they are getting themselves into. One has such a screwed up family that this one seems normal to her and the other is still to knew to know.

So I really don't know how to approach any of this. If H and I stay together, I know our R will be very different from what it was but I don't know how to go about dealing with these people. I know I don't really want to. I think that has been a major road block for me in the last few months. H is not speaking to his M right now (for over a year) and it doesn't appear like he intends to for a long time, which works for me. Yes we spoke once and she and i both apologized for what happened, but I don't intend to bring that R back to where it was because it isn't good for me. I was tolerant and opening to H's father (because he did seem to want to try to develop that R) until Oct 2006 when he got into bed with me. Yea that is a big problem.
I have never let myself be alone in a room with the suspected rapist, even though he has never been anything but nice to me in 19 years. (yes a lot of the secrets got dumped on me by MIL almost as soon as H and I started dating). That is another reason I have always sort of 'clung" to H at family functions. He has always protected me with his presence even though he didnt' know it. I don't think I want to go back to any of that but I can't and won't ask H to stop having contact with his family. The thought of not ever having to deal with any of that again is very attractive to me but I don't want to have that keep me from being with H if that is possible. So what to do??????

Wow Kel... he hasnt spoken to his Mum for a year !? So, that would be the Uranus retrograding over the IC then. Wow. I guess this was a necessary change that needed to happen in his R with her, its revolutionised it, or thrown it into chaos for now. He must feel like he has lost his foundation...

Interestingly, my ex had barely any R with his Mum all his adult life, she would call once a month, if that, or I'd remind him to call... since Uranus went over his IC it all changed, she was calling him every day all year, most days, twice a day.. driving him mad. She is depressed and was leaning on him and he told me by this summer that he didnt enjoy speaking to her at all.. so theres something wierd going on with his Mum, like yuor H, but playing out in reverse. I always felt him pushing me away was rejection of the mother, but you cant reject your Mum can you? So you hurt the woman in your life...

As for what you do about his family.. I guess HE needs to resolve his R with them (perhaps through all this Uranus/Pluto/MLC stuff) and then your R with them, through him, might change? I think he has to see it first and the penny to drop. In the meantime, continue staying out of their way?

Yea, that is what I think. I want to stay out of their way forever but I just don't know if that is possible if we are together.

His M walked away Aug 07 and didn't make any contact until Aug 08. I spoke with her but H refused. This was after her moving in with 30 minutes notice in Dec 06, creating much chaos, usurping my role in the family, accusing me of having A and cutting brakes on H's truck, (neither of which ever happened)making it so neither S or I (no idea about H) wanted to be home alone with her, saying my neighbor cut up his W and put her in garbage bags and into his trunk, and too many other crazy things to list. So yes, she has abandoned him again. Over the years, he had contact with her through or because of me. She never called him, he never called her. It was just nuts and I"m having no part of that anymore.

Kelaaron,
Good grief, I know my H's family seems a bit weird to me, but your H's family sounds downright *evil* at worst, badly warped at best! Your FIL got into bed with you?!? Inconceivable!! I don't blame you for wanting to get away from those people! Do they live close to you? Can you just gracefully say that H can have whatever R he likes with them but you are not going to be involved any more, and you will only see them when absolutely necessary (weddings and such, maybe)?

Peace,
Dawn

yes he did. with my H and his W in the next room and the door not even closed. Just no shame and no thinking. Of course when i realized he wasn't there to just say hi and see how i was (was laying down with a headache) i immediately got up. Of course, i didn't want to make waves so I pretended it never happened until we got back to Fl. So no they don't live that close. It is crazy and I have set that intention but even that really makes me want to puke somedays.

You know the really crazy part? On some level they are all really nice people. For the most part, I like them, I just don't like what they do.

hey Kel- How are you doing?

Doing ok. I posted on your thread a little earlier. The full moon, pluto/venus stuff is just really hitting me hard. I'll be glad for the end of the week. You?

Had a good morning! But too early to decide how the day is going to go, you will have to see my cat poop incident! I don't know what the planets have instore for me, I hope it is calm! Take care! You master mechanic! Time to hang out your shingle for car repair!!

I read something about stepping in it. I've done that too many times to count over the years LOL.