Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Letting God Take Control Part 19

All, In my response, I want to validate him and acknowledge his honesty. I want to let him know that I respect his honesty, and that I too still love him and always want the best for him and always want to be his friend. That I pray for him every day for God to protect him, and bless him abundantly.

I pray everyday for God to help me to love him unconditionally and respect him unconditionally. For no human can do this on their own long-term, but only with God.

I think because he does not see you often, he thinks in the past. He certainly is not bringing up a D, and he is not quick to make that type of decision either.

Too bad you couldn't have one night a week, like a date night sort of thing, meet somewhere, no pressure.

PH,

WOW. Thank you for filling in the blanks. Now your H's response makes complete sense. I am truly sad to learn that you've been repeatedly sending "cute" e/m's like this. And not at all surprised that your H sees them as pursuing and pressuring...b/c they are...and none too subtle efforts at that. And thus what you see as "cute" e/m's -- he sees as transparent pursuit.

In fact, as soon as you described the the squirrel giving a back rub e/m (which BTW I also got in an e/m so I know exactly what it is) I instantly thought of the back rubs that you give your H. And I cringed. And if it instantly made me think of that -- then that is obviously exactly what your H thought of too. How could it not?

Finally, what he sees as a barrage of pursuing e/m's, made your H so uncomfortable -- that he decided that the only way to get you to stop -- was to once again tell you he is not interested in trying to restore your marriage. BTW this is only a defense mechanism. While your intent may not have been pursuit -- that IS the result so you must deal with that fact.

This has NOT been allowing God to be in control. This has been YOU trying to move things along and create change. You must stop all this pursuit now. You must do a major 180 and leave him alone -- so that he has the space to miss you. Let the next contact and all contacts from now on be by your H. At this point, your H must be the one to reach out to you and and your part is only to respond...never instigate a contact.

I do think you need to do some damage control with your response to his e/m. But it should only echo back to him his own words. That way he will feel heard and validated. And in fact, you should own the problems as the bible tells us to do. Adding anything else will be pressure.

I would write something like this...

H,

Thank you for taking the time to help me understand how you feel. It is kind of you to acknowledge that I have been extremely supportive of you throughout our separation -- but that you feel that you cannot get over our past problems. I appreciate that you can't see us getting back together, even after all this time. And you're right, I did create too many fights -- and I am sorry that my actions caused us to spend too many nights sleeping apart. I can see why you feel that I gave you reason to feel that I didn't understand you or meet your needs. And for that I am truly sorry. All I want is the best for you and for you to be happy. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Love, PH


Now for the very GOOD NEWS...




Your H STILL LOVES YOU VERY MUCH. He is NOT over you at all!!!!!

While it may seem like your H's e/m isn't positive. All I see is a man distancing himself b/c he's felt pressured and pursued. Now is the time for you to step back -- to take your hands off it completely -- and to truly allow God to be 100% in control.

What your H needs is the space and time to allow God to work on his heart without your help.

Summer, I appreciate your response. I also wish you wouldn't conclude that I was pursuing him. Believe me, I hesutated greatly in sending the emails. I purely sent them to let him know I cared. Purely that - noting else. In fact, I was not contacting at all after his speech in July. he was the one who contacted me for the boys' visit. Then I sent him his birthday card and text message. That was to be it. But then I felt the burden to at least send him a cute email every 2-3 weeks.

Believe me, I struggled hard this week to send him the email. I didn't want him to think I was mad at him for not responding to the previous.

Thank you for your suggestion for the response. It is pretty close to what I have been thinking of writing. SO your suggestion confirms my thoughts and what God would have me do.

PH,

As I wrote:



And there are a lot of red flags in what you just responded that should give you pause.




How and why did you possibly think that those kinds of feelings were confirmation to send those "cute" e/m's?????

Everything you just wrote was so clearly God desperately telegraphing and confirming to you that you were doing the WRONG thing!

Summer,

I don't remember if I posted about this but I have been under attack. Perhaps this confusion was part of it. It was pretty hard for me to sort out what was God's and what was not. I sent this last email because I had read a devotional this week about Jesus telling the disciples to cast their nets, and they did it one more time. That stood out to me. I kept getting those words in my mind "one more time" so I sent the email "one more time". But at the same time, I felt something nagging inside of me. I thought maybe that was the enemy chastising me about sending.

Does this make it clearer why I sent the email now?

God's confirmation brings us peace...not confusion.

Always remember who is the author of confusion.

Summer,
I didn't respond to part of your original post. Yes, you are right that he still loves me. It is amazing that he still does and I am very grateful for that.

This journey has taught how never to take my marriage for granted. It has also shown me how much he loved me and how much I love him. God somehow made it possible for me to love my H more and more, instead of less. That too is a miracle, in my mind.

I do hope that one day he can allow God to heal his hurts and pain. Even if he never comes home, I hope that someday he will get the guarantee of spending eternity with God. I pray for this everyday too.

Hmmm.........Summer has posted quite a bit but I do have one disagreement with what she says.

She insinuated that you should not contact your h first, let him contact you.

PH may go awhile before she contacts him just to say hello and see how he is doing and I see nothing wrong with that. I realize we cannot get into PH's husband's mind but if she were to act as if he did not exist, he would certainly think she wants nothing to do with him.

I am of the belief that just merely saying hello every once in awhile does the heart some good.

Maybe she should just keep it light and not send anything except a simple text just simply saying hello, thinking of you and hoping you are well or some such thing.

PH,

You will have to decide for yourself, if it is wisdom for you to do a 180, and stop contacting your H for now or not.

But going by results, your "cute" keep-in-contact e/m's every 2 or 3 weeks, have felt like pursuit to your H -- and pushed him further away -- not drawn him closer.

The classic mantra "if I don't contact him -- he'll think I don't care" is just false. And it is employed by the pursuer as their excuse to continue pursuing. Whether you send e/m's or not -- your H knows very well that you DO care and that you love him. What he needs is the space to miss you!

Snodderly wrote you the same message. That it is time for you to drop the rope. It is not a coincidence that we both see the same thing happening -- and that we are both suggesting the same remedy...let go and let God.