Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Can my 32 year old W have a midlife crisis?

Hey Trapt

I will think it through carefully I don't want to rush and like you said there are no easy answers. I must say though your posts almost brought me to tears because I realized the amount of support and incite that I have been getting here. I just wish this thought process was more prominent in our society. Thanks for the re-enforcment in acting as if, at least It gave me the licence to have fun at the wedding and this site and the DB strategies have saved my mental health.

I will keep you updated and will post here before doing anything. I will still need your incite to keep plodding on into the future

Cheers, Jeff

Hey,

One more thing. Now be very honest with yourself here.Are you thinking about doing this because you think it's going to snap her out of this? It may or may not......

She has to go through with this on her own though. I have no experience with this but have heard if you snap someone out of a crisis early, they will almost always go back later in life. I know what you mean though about her crashing.

Hopefully some of the wise ones can help us. I'll start asking some questions.

T

ce

Thanks,

I'm not an expert by any stretch. There are hundreds on the board now and many more that have come and gone that know a ton more than I do. Hopefully we can pull a few in and they can give us their thoughts.

Hang Tuff for now.

Jeff,
The whole finding out about the PA thing is so miserably hard. I do want to suggest that if you are still being intimate with her (can't remember if you mentioned this one way or the other), you make sure to protect yourself. I am not in that sitch, because my H hasn't come near me since the bomb, but many here are. I personally don't think that having sex with your spouse during a time period when they are also having a PA with OP is a good idea, but that is just my opinion, and is a choice for each person to make for themselves.

Well, that wasn't really what you asked about. Should you issue a deadline/ultimatum to your W? Based on my experience, I would say NO. I was urged by several people (my pastor and therapist among them) to give my H a deadline on deciding whether to work on the M and give up OW vs. moving out. I was seriously considering it, because it was tearing my heart to pieces to have him living here while carrying on with OW, spending 2+ hours every day on the phone with her, leaving town every couple of weeks to spend the weekend with her. I thought about it and prayed about it a lot, and the feeling I got was that giving him an ultimatum/deadline wasn't what God wanted me to do. The more time has passed, the more I feel that simply waiting on God's timing, not forcing the issue, is what I am supposed to do. The only people who have said, "No, don't give him an ultimatum," have been those on this board and my DB coach, Jody. I trust Jody, and I trust the cumulative wisdom on this board, so that verifies my impression from God, and I don't have a problem telling others who want me to light a fire under H, "No, that's not the message I'm getting from God right now." And...he's still going hot and heavy with OW (in fact, she is in town this weekend and I am sure he is in bed with her as I type this) and I haven't seen any sign of reconciliation or giving up OW yet, but...he is stil living here, a year post-bomb. Still sleeps in the same bed with me but won't touch me. Weird, eh?

Again, this is a decision for you to make, and it doesn't preclude a few reasonable boundaries, but I think your best hope is to just sit tight and see what tomorrow brings. One day at a time! Don't do anything when driven by emotion. Just wait for things to become clearer to you.

Peace,
Dawn

Hey, Trapt

thanks, Here is my thought process. I was kind of blown away by my in laws who caught me by surprise by the show of support. They care about us both, but are disappointed in their daughter. They are concerned because she is not the same person and is just a shell living in a fantasy world. My W is very worried about money and says so every day. She has mentioned that maybe we should stay together so that WE can save some money ( her parents and I believe that she is just using me to pay the bills while she is doing what she wants). My thoughts are that so far she has had no consequences.

By forcing her to deal with the financial side of things including living arrangements she has to deal with the reality of the situation. She has already racked up 2000$ on her credit card, and has me to pay half the house bills and walk the dog.

I guess my hope is that she would wake up but I know that is not likely right away, I guess she really has had no chance to miss me. Right now she can do what she wants with who she wants and I guess I can't deal with being in the same house while she does this. I know if I force the issue that I must be prepared for the results even if she doesn't come back.

I will not bring up the PA I don't think it would be helpful I need to show her that I need to GAL and with or without her I need to move forward. I want to show her that I mean what I say and that this was her choice she can't have her cake and eat it too.

I spoke with my DB coach today he said that I am making headway but that if I do give deadlines I must prepare myself for what happens.and recommended that I do not mention the PA. I am looking at the deadline as a 180 but have to be ok with the possible consequences I am almost there (it scares the crap out of me) but I don't know if i can be cheerful while she is going to have sex with another man. I have been reading some posts who talk about needing to be apart to work on themselves and give their H or W a chance to miss them. Maybe this would be part of me going dark for a while. I don't know if this makes sense but I need to do something for my mental health and self respect. My In=laws feel as well I need to give her the deadline as well as they think she needs a dose of reality and that she has been a princess for most of her life. She has been good at avoiding reality and getting away with it. Thoughts? My father in-law warned me she was a handful before we got married.


cheers
jeff

Dawn,

Thanks for the incite, my W won't let me near her sexually. WOW you are strong with your sitch I feel for you as well. My DB coach didn't recommend the deadline but understood it. He gave me guidelines on how to approach the sitch and not to mention the PA. I guess I have to be at peace with my decision and I pray about it daily. I have also been praying for all of you. I am listening to all of the wisdom here and I will certainly think about this hard. More of my thoughts and motivation are in the above posts to trapt. I am trying to think rationaly using the DB mentality. This forum has helped with my emotions.

Cheers,
Jeff

Hey man,

I'm glad to hear your talking with a coach. They really do know what their talking about. Plus its a good outlet and makes you feel a bit more confident. Take notes but hide them. You bring up some really good points.

My w's family didn't really see things like this. She was very good a putting on a mask. Now, I don't know, my guess is that they do a bit. (kinda hard not to) you can only live this way for so long before you take a dive. I have no idea what she says about me to them. She lies a lot to me though.

All in all you know your sitch best. You know your wife best, however expect the unexpected has rang very true in my case.
I hear you on the consequences though, its a very tough call.

I'm praying for ya.
T

Trapt

Thanks for the prayers I say a prayer for you as well. I try not to just focus on me when I pray. Right now I am a bit conflicted because she has been nice to me tonight and even asked how my mother was doing(she just had her hip replaced)this is strange because she doesn't like my parents. She has even been texting me for no reason I.E. she thinks she is getting a cold. I am still thinking the deadline thing through and I guess I need to be ready and the time has to be right. It's hard when she treats me nice. Tomorrow she said she was invited to a concert and didn't say who, so that leads me to believe it is OM. I just said I am sure it will be fun (faking a smile lol)

I think I have been too available and respond to her calls and texts to quickly. I don't call her she calls me but Tomorrow I think I won't respond at all unless it is an emergency.

Man this stuff is hard because of the PA. When we have a nice conversation I really miss her because I get a glimpse of the old W.

any ciao for now,

Jeff

I hear ya man,

I have drank sooo much of that kool aid in the past my mouth is blue forever. I would fall far that nice stuff all of time then Wham!.

You should be nice and respectful in return, but by no means stop doing what your doing and slip.

Careful it messes with your mind a bit. Stay on point.

Don't get me wrong, I dont think she is faking it. She will cycle back and forth many many times. Yeah you should ghost a few calls, Your GALing remember. I did today. after number four I finally called back. I ghosted two last night too. GALing my brotha!