Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Is it the fog or is he really in love?

My H moved out in mid July after I found out about EA with woman he works with. He pretended to break it off and we went to MC until late Sept. I thought things were going great, we saw each other and talked almost every day. Late Sept. he freaked out one day and said he couldn't do it anymore, wanted a D-took his wedding ring off. Late Oct. found out he hadn't broke off initial EA and it had turned into PA-still going on.

H has broken off all communication-I don't even know his phone number. He's told me he's completely in love with her, it's not just sexual, but they have this amazing emotional connection. He'd talk to her 24/7 if he could. He ended up quitting his job and blames me for this because he was afraid I'd expose their A and he'd get fired anyway. He's told me he hates me for his job and never wants to see me again.

I want to believe all I need to do is be patient and let the A run it's course but I'm not for sure what to do. I read all the posts where H is seeing OW but still initiates communication with W. My H is dead set on D and tells me not to hold on to any false hope. Although, he still tells me he loves me and will always love me no matter what happens.

Honestly, any hope or should I just move on?

I think there's always hope. It would help if you would post a bit more detail like the # of years you've been married and how old your H is. He might be having an MLC or something.

My guess would be he is in a fog right now. Not an expert, others here are, but apparently the chemicals in their brains when starting a PA do lead to fog and craziness or whatever. You aren't supposed to believe what they say and only half of what they do (or something like that somebody correct me if I got that wrong please). The blaming you for stuff is part of the package I think; I've gone through that too. Obviously his losing his job was because of his own actions and at some point he should realize that. They also sometimes pick fights. There is all kinds of "script" behavior that they all seem to follow.

I think esp. if you are having no contact, you need to work on yourself, GAL as much as possible. Try new hobbies or old ones that you haven't done in a while. Try to focus on yourself rather than your H. Karen

I think EA are the worst, that is how my ex's A started. If there is one thing I have learned through out thei awful journey is that you need to take care of you and kids, if you have them.

Focus on things you like, go out with friends, join a bookclub. See your life the way you would like it to be and make it that way as much as possible. Don't focus so much on your H, it gives him too much power over your life.

You can do this, really you can.

kat

My H and I both are 33 and have been M 12 years. I just heard a few minutes ago that OW is probably pregnant by my H. Wonder if she'll leave her H because of this. It's happened to her before and her H just adopted the child. My H seems to fit exhibit most MLC behaviors.

I am working on myself. I started going to church and hanging out with friends more. I don't think I could have made it through without these two things. Everyone keeps saying to wait until the new wears off and since it's out in the open and they don't have to hide anymore, it's going to get old quick. He just seems so in love and I know from personal experience that when he loves, he really loves someone. I just wonder if it's "true love" or a symptom of MLC. I guess really he's the only one that would know that as every person is different. Just wondering if anyone else had been in similar situation.

She sounds like a real "keeper." You're H is under her spell. Any rational man would stay far, far away from a woman who has a history like this.

How could he ever really justify a R with woman who has done this to her H before and is cheating on her H now with your H. This will run its course; it just doesn't have a strong foundation. Question is will it be a dealbreaker for you if he decides to try and come back?

That's not even the most dysfunctional part of the whole relationship. My H told me they have their PA at her house while her husband is present in the same house. Funny thing is you said any rational man would stay away. My H has not been a rational man for over a year.

He justifies his feeling over her because she is "such a great person, with wonderful morals and character". He justifies because he and I have "grown apart". Thing is, we didn't start "growing apart" until she came into the picture.

I wish I could say this would be a deal breaker but I'm afraid I can't. I always said any A would be a deal breaker and then I found out about his EA and it wasn't. Then I said, well if I ever found out he had a PA, that would definitely be the dealbreaker, but it wasn't. A baby is an entirely different situation. Even though it would be completely innocent in this, it would be a constant reminder of his A. I want it to be the dealbreaker, but at this point, I don't know if there is a dealbreaker.

I hate this about myself. I am a strong woman. I am intelligent. I am funny. People like me. I like myself. Why does this have to be so hard? I don't understand why I would even want him back. He's obviously not the same person I fell in love with and from what I hear, he never will be.

Donna, first as everyone else has said, there is hope. And you should know that for you go to church. Faith can bring hope, so don't stop that.
My H had been in a somewhat similar situation, he had an emotional then a PA with a woman who is in a sexless marriage. Well when he told me she got mad at him and started seeing someone else which through My H in a tizzy and the wheels feel off that affair. Even after she was making it really obvious (at least to a common sense person) that she really was just using him he kept after her - that is how much in a fog they are.
So yes, he is in a fog. First things first that I have found out just recently. GAL - is about you, and more off, it's about finding out if you WANT him or just feel you NEED him out of fear. T2L posted an excellent exert about fear and what it causes us to do. Try searching her thread in the Infidelity section.
So you need to continue hanging with your support group - friends/church. Pray Pray Pray - if you are religious which you said you go to church - Pray, let God fight this battle for you - he will do it when you can't - because your H doesn't talk to you, or H doesn't listen to ANYONE else's common sense - God will talk to H in his way and fight for you. So you don't even need to see or talk to H.

Not that my sitch is any better - H is pulling away more and more each day, but I get joy out of little things that show me GOD is talking to him.
For instance - I feel these are ways God has been present. I ask for help and guidance as to whether I should fight for this marriage or is he really happier without me. Well I go to take my ring off while at a nightclub - just so I can get a pep up from someone anyone come and talk to me, well I can't get it off, then some guy comes up and starts talking to me. I got what I needed and God knew. He knows what is best.
Some may say of that was not God - H would definetly say that, he's not really religious but most S in fog don't think in what outside affects them, their thoughts are all about them - internal.
They'll say that was because I was drinking, and guy coming up oh that was just some guy wanting something.

Then not sure how this will play out, but H has plans to see someone on Friday (he's on a personal website looking for dates)well he started sleeping in the other room and so I prayed last night, please Lord talk to him, and guess what he woke up today at 3:30 with a cold, so he may be sick this weekend. In either case he's worried about it because instead of just taking a nyquil so he can sleep he started taking cold eeze to prevent it.

Find joy and hope in the little things and come back and post here, use this as your outlet because you will have good times and bad and we are here for you.

Donna, I completely understand where you're coming from. My W has had multiple A's and obviously hasn't been a dealbreaker for me yet. However, I'm getting closer and closer because I think her lifestyle is a bad influence on out kids. They need to know that this is not how someone is supposed to treat their spouse and children.

It's a struggle; you just move forward making yourself better and watch for actions from your H.

It's encouraging to hear from someone close in age to my husband and myself. He and I don't have children either. I think that's the hardest pill to swallow with OW possibly being pregnant. Before he left, when he was still "pretending to work on our marriage" we talked about having a baby and I was ready. We were set in our careers, had a home, had traveled all over the country. We were ready and the person who's having his baby is supposed to be me.

I'm so glad you referenced faith and praying because that's a big part of my life now. In some ways, I believe this happened to allow me to find God. Some people would find that an odd statement but before this happened I wasn't on much of a better path than my H. I didn't have a MLC or A but I didn't have that spiritual part of my life either. Even though it seems like something worse happens everyday, I've had a certain peace about everything since I've started going to church. I pray for my H soul everyday and I won't stop no matter what.

Anyway, thank you for your post.

Hey Donna, I'm living this particular dream myself right now and trust me, its been a little slice of hell. I also have myself to blame for a lot of the pain as I have not kept enough distance between my H and myself. My H's OW is due to give birth anytime now and it may or may not be his, but he has acted as if it is this whole time. Its not an easy thing to deal with, so do yourself a favor and don't. They created this mess, let them deal with it. I'm famous for not taking my own advice, but if you do nothing else, learn from my mistakes. I also understand completely about your feelings of someone else having his baby. Are you sure that she is pregnant and if so that it is H's? If she is still in the home with her H, is it at all possible that they have sex as well?

Take the advice of the others here. GAL, go and do things for you, about you and find things that make YOU happy. Keep on praying and feed your faith regularly. Make your life what you want it to be and he will either join in or remain miserable. This A is about him. Your H will figure out what she is about in time, but the fog is thick.
BINGO! He justifies it. He has to because he knows deep down inside that a woman who cheats on her H, cheats with someone elses H and has already had an A that has produced a child is NOT a good person and has the morals and character of a ferral cat, however he will lie to himself about it for as long as he needs to. Cheaters lie, first and foremost to themselves. They have to in order to continue doing the hurtful and destructive things that they do.

Hang in there and keep coming here for support and advice.