I was parked outside the elementary school I work at for just one hour a day, from 1 until 2. I had just gotten in my car at 2 and was sitting there, eyes shut, praying for H and that God would give me back my husband...
I got the sense that another car was there, I wondered if they wanted my spot..I opened my eyes, and MY H was parked alongside my car looking at me?
He gestured at me and mouthed something, I couldn't tell what...
Then he back up and parked right behind me on the street. (he couldn't stay beside me, that was the actual flow of traffic lane!)
Anyway I got out and went back to his truck. He said he drove back to town from Omaha to vote before he caught his plane (back in Omaha). I asked if he knew I was going to be there, he said no, he just saw me so he stopped...
I flashed him a winning smile and said, "So, do ya want me?" in a playful voice. He laughed but didn't say anything. I said, "No really, do ya? I'm pretty cute..."
H laughed and smiled and shook his head, and said, "You make it sound so simple..."
Me: "Do you ever think you make it too complicated?"
H: "No, I think it just IS that complicated..."
Me: "OK then, that is your answer..."
H: "NO, it ISN'T. I am just SCARED, Bob, I am SCARED to try and I am SCARED not to try."
Me: "I am scared too. I am afraid I will try and you will hurt me and I bet you are afraid to try and I will let you down--"
H: "Yeah, I am really, really scared."
Me: "Too scared to try again?" (someone just shoot me and duct tape my mouth, ok?)
H: "Kind of. I just don't know what to do. It isn't that simple..."
Me: "So you are scared, you don't know what to do, you don't want to try and have it not work, I get that...I just don't see this as something where you can refuse to make a choice..."
H: "I know, that is why I am so afraid..."
I had my arm in the window of his truck, he rubbed my hand once or twice.
Me: "Ok, well you better go vote, and be safe....." (meaning on his flight, I always say that)
WTF now? I want to hide in a hole while he is gone, not talk to him at all, just leave him alone...He was enjoying himself at home, he said earlier this week he didn't know why but things seemed different, and then I go and act like pushy old BBJ............
Smack me!
OK and now I am double-screwed b/c I have NO desire to go to the lawyer when H is scared. Somehow I thought if he said he didn't want me it would make it easier for me to march to the lawyer, but for him to say he is 'scared' has thrown me for a loop...going to the lawyer would be me acting out of pride and spite, not b/c I truly want a D............grr hit me with the 2 x 4s already.........
Pretty amazing stuff Bobbijo. Not the kind of stuff that I would say WTF about, but that's me. There .. that was my 2X4. lol.
All I can say is that it is good that he is heading out of town. It would seem that the two of you need to be apart. The ole "things happen for a reason" would seem to apply here.
You need to commit to Zero, ZERO attempts at even thinking about anything to do with fixing Dan and pulling him out of his "funk". Even indirect means of this should be off limits. R talks surely fall into that category.
My recent mild disintegration over the last week was largely due to the idea that I began to think that I was entitled to certain conduct/respect from my darling. As I have been able to step back from the interaction with her, I can see that this was very contributory to the recent slide. Before I go pretending like I know so much about all this R stuff, I will leave it at that.
Yes, I would like to fly off to some remote place on this Earth and hide for about, oh, I don't know, a month??
The only hope for this to get back on track is for me to just back the He!! off and focus on BBJ and her kids.
I do not trust myself at all right now. I swing back and forth on my moods and decisions. In one moment I am ready to run to the L and file just b/c I said I would, if H couldn't commit.
On the other I want to run far far away and not talk to H anymore, just give us both time to breathe
On the other I want to tell H it is okay to be scared, I am scared too,but that doesn't seem right, either...
B/C I don't know what to do I feel like I should just do absolutely nothing........
OK to be honest as Mike from Tenn has challenged me to do,
Part of me, when thinking about just being happy, upbeat BBJ, feels like I need to somehow SHOW that to H. Let him "catch" me being happy. But then that is not "real", either.
I want to put some distance between my thoughts and my actions, slow myself down from veering from idea to idea/thought to thought/plan to plan like a pinball in a pinball machine...
The only thing I am sure of at this moment is that I will not call H b/c I am not able to think and focus clearly at this point
(I have visions of one of you guys stepping up and slapping me like in the movies, "Get ahold of yourself, woman!!"
The comment you made about the game of "chicken" is EXACTLY what I was going to post to you when I read your update the other day.
I didn't know how to say it and explain myself and mostly, I don't know what to advise... but I really, really, get the feeling you are both playing "chicken" and do not see how you can "win" unless
1. He gets afraid enough that he's really going to lose you. 2. He doesn't want to lose you more than he wants to take the easy way out.
I know how you feel. It shouldn't be this hard. This isn't fair. This isn't how you deserve or want to be treated. It isn't fair.
I guess... do you love him enough to take the chance of saving the marriage you have in hopes that it can become a better one? Even if there are no guarantees? There never are.... I had no idea my H would turn into the man he has. I figured I wanted the chance to find out. I think we married before I even knew what to look for!
I had lots of complaints over the years. He had many occasions to let me down and disappoint our family. When he tore our marriage apart, after I picked myself up off the floor, I had all kinds of time to think about the fact that now was the time I could find the love I deserved.
He had long since ceased being a man he was proud to be.
After finding this website and taking a long look at myself, I must admit that I had a lot to do with that.
I don't know how to explain this, but once I decided to give it my best shot, I chose to believe in him. I believed in him more than he believed in himself. I found things in his everyday actions to be proud of... at a time when he was anything but proud of himself.
I leapt first then found the faith and he became the man I "saw". Even if I just "got lucky", I got the chance to look myself in the mirror and know I did my best-- for everyone.
I can always divorce him, but there aren't that many chances to save a life.
So, what would step one be, Deauxlie? I am just so confused, for the past 2 weeks I am afraid I have been doing this all wrong. Well, not all wrong, b/c H admits things have been 'different' and he was 'enjoying' spending time with me, then I went all psycho-bully on him and tried to push him into declaring his love for me.
I think in his own little way he thought coming to bed and kissing me goodbye was 'trying'.....because several weeks ago I pushed him a bit on our M and he said "I don't get it, I just kissed you goodbye this morning and you wonder if I want to be with you?" or something like that.
Anyway, my question to the world is, if this candle is still flickering with a tiny flame, how do I help it grow and not snuff it out? I want some concrete, do-able things, please!
OK-- I wrote the above before you posted again (then went outside and chased my dog down, switched the sprinkler hoses, took down a few more Halloween decorations and bought cookie dough from a neighbor kid) and kinda sorta edited it... posted and read the latest.
What I guess I don't get with Dan is-- WHAT is so scary about TRYING to make a marriage with 2 young children and a beautiful, loving, wife work? Why not TRY? Someone may get hurt if it doesn't get worked out, but NEWSFLASH: If he doesn't try everyone gets hurt.
What is he afraid of? Seriously. Do you know? What can possibly happen if he tries his best and puts faith in the woman who wants nothing but his happiness? He'll... what... fail to love you? This is just... ugh...
A.) If he tries he may fail. B.) If he doesn't try he positively will.
This is why I keep getting back to pressure from someone else... like he's losing something if he chooses you.
I guess... do you love him enough to take the chance of saving the marriage you have in hopes that it can become a better one? Even if there are no guarantees? There never are.... I had no idea my H would turn into the man he has. I figured I wanted the chance to find out. I think we married before I even knew what to look for!
Any of you who have been following me for 11 months--what do you think? Stubborn, obstinate, super-mom, cheerleader ME? Of COURSE I love him enough to take the chance! I just seem to be making a mess of things.........
BBJ,I told you before, I "see" the old Bbj coming back. You are not DBing, you are not detaching, you need, just as you said, to slow down.
Do you think about anything else at the moment? You are panicking and you want him to fix this NOW. And you get frustrated because he obviously cant.
This whole thing started when a few weeks ago you saw Dan reverting to some of his old behaviors and you automatically switched to some of your old behaviors as well.
Cut it out. Yes he is being a jerk and yes he is confused and he needs IC and he has no clue how good you are for him but what he is and isnt you know best in your heart. His weaknesses you choose to forgive, you love him and that's all it matters.
Now, concentrate, focus and draw a line. Don't act or talk for a while. Just think. What you want, where you are, how patient you can be, if you are able to do this. Slow down. Regroup, breathe... K
What I guess I don't get with Dan is-- WHAT is so scary about TRYING to make a marriage with 2 young children and a beautiful, loving, wife work? Why not TRY? Someone may get hurt if it doesn't get worked out, but NEWSFLASH: If he doesn't try everyone gets hurt.
What is he afraid of? Seriously. Do you know? What can possibly happen if he tries his best and puts faith in the woman who wants nothing but his happiness? He'll... what... fail to love you? This is just... ugh...
A.) If he tries he may fail. B.) If he doesn't try he positively will. What does he have to lose? What is he afraid of?
This is what I truly want to make sure he "GETS"--that not choosing, IS making a choice, that his decision/indecision affects us all, that we are WORTH the risk! But I obv. am not getting through.........so I feel I should leave it alone. Grr...
