Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? All that you can't leave behind... (43)

I need all the help I can get, that's for sure...
Yeah, why is that? I want to ask Deb so many things but I am holding back because somehow I feel it wouldn't do me good at this phase. I am so glad she and Bill post to me, thanks guys.

You dont need my permission to post anything to me, you know that. And you know how NOT to offend people. So, get your pen/pecil out and stop playing.
Yeah, right!!

"On my way to the movie theater I talked to stbxH. I think during our convo I asked him most of Bill's questions. I repeated myself about what I want, was very clear, tried not to accuse him about the past and let it all out."
That was 6 months ago, almost 7!!! He did have the chance since them to come out and say what he felt or wanted.

"He was nice, wanted to talk and said that"
"he loves me"
Somehow I feel it's his business to find the way. He needs to do work as well.

"he wants the same kind of relationship I want"
Well, he better find out soon.

"he would never come back if he thought it isnt possible"
I think that is my problem. I dont want to "start" cause I know I have to lead. I dont feel like it, plus he complaint in the past "I was leading too much"

"just as I tell him and show him I changed, I have to let him show me how he changed"
I see that.

"he want us to go through everything and then leave the bad things behind us and take the good things with us"
Me too, I thought he was repeating my words.

"his goal is to make this one year a milestone for us that will lead us to the best R possible"
See above, dont want to lead.

"he wants to do the work, he is aware it will be hard"
Yes he does. In some ways. I am going to be difficult as he thinks I will be.

"I need to tell him I am willing to try to allow him some room to act"
How is your lung btw? I am trying.

"he doesnt want to tell the kids anything either nor disrupt their routine until we both feel its safe"
He dosnt really have a choice. If he pushes me, I am gone. He feels that. He is not stupid. Advanced DAM? Hold your horses...

"I have had enough of this crap and frankly I cant take anymore. I am about to go on a defense, "ptotect me" mode and go numb again... My way of caving. Right now I dont think that would be a good idea but it seems more and more likely to happen... "
Trying...

You wouldnt do that!!!

"Maybe I will have a breakthrough moment tomorrow..."
A light bulb comes on without expecting it. Usually happens when I am in the shower (pretty dangerous with all the water in there).

Ohh, that was fun with quotes and colors etc... It has been a while. Anyway, woke up today feeling I wanted to cook. Good sign. Maybe I am not as depressed as I thought I am.

Ali, your horoscopes must be based on my chart... Too accurate.

addie, I will look for you.

(everyone) I didnt get to Shrek III, only watched Shrek I and then fell asleep...

Lets see what will happen today...
Love
K

Good morning, Ms. K..

First things first!

big ole cuddly hugs while peering over to see what your food stash is..

You're singing to the choir when emotional pain and conflict lead to overeating when overwhelmed. Just remember you're stuffing down the emotions while gorging on the food. I get down on myself for the binge eating. Then I remember.. one thing at a time. No need for perfection. And ask myself..

"What does eating (and smoking) all this crap mean?"

"What hurts/upsets/scares me so much that I'm doing this to numb myself?"

"Why is it better to hurt myself than feel?"

What does it say for you, Ms. K?

*hugs*

*hugs the K and continues*

When we all start on this board we're all trying with every ounce of our heart soul and mind to save our marriage. As the hopelessness and emotional hurt (real or perceived) with our spouses increases we work through the pain only to realize what is crucial to us... saving our family, saving our children from the scars of losing what is most precious.. a family with two parents who love each other.

Ya see, Maria.. I think if you decide to continue in an unhealthy relationship for the sake of the children, you're doomed. It's like couples who have a rocky relationship deciding to have a baby to see if that helps. No wonder you're eating like crazy.

As an example, you have a better chance of interviewing and being well received if you know someone in the right place. All that does is get you in the door. It's your abilities that get you the job.

Your husband deciding he wants to try again opens the door to because of the children . It's his ability and conviction that make a difference.

I imagine he saw THE Maria he knew, loved and didn't want to lose when he saw your anticipation in going to New York, the absolute transformation and glow when you returned. Your radiance whacked him like a wrecking ball at full speed and he said, "Holy crap. I'm a horse's ass if I lose her."

My guess is he saw the woman he fell in love with.

On this board we all wing it. Forrest has had success, he gives great perspective. People who love you are all here for you. But none of us are YOU. The fact you're eating like crazy says you have a serious conflict and dilemma.

Guess what.. if he thinks it's a great idea to come back.. it will still be a great idea in a week, a month. You can tell him that.

*hugs*

*even MORE! for the K*

Fear eroded my relationship and marriage. I was too afraid to say what was really inside, to be honest about my feelings and turmoil. I was so afraid of being rejected that I held in it and went along. My marriage and family became more important than who I was.. or rather I became solely who I was based on my marriage and family.

The guy wants to try again...

Beautiful.

He wants your beauty, passion and Kalni'ess...

He's gotta work for it.

Everyone can talk til their jaws fall off but if you're not in it to love and become one again with this guy, then you're setting yourself up for failure.

Now I'm saying this all wrong.. I'm not telling you what to do, just my impressions.

Let's work backwards:

You are a family.
Before you have children, you're secure in your marriage.
Before a marriage, you have a wedding.
A wedding takes a long time to plan.
You don't plan a wedding til you're engaged.
You don't get engaged until you love trust and feel a lifetime commitment to someone.
Before you get engaged you're a couple.
You don't become a couple unless there's something consistently dynamic and wonderful about being around each other.
You don't date unless you're interested.
You're not interested unless something little, a smile, twinkle, wink or action, catches your eye.


Ya see.. there's lots of steps to go through. It takes time. It doesn't happen overnight.

The one thing it does take is to risk being vulnerable with someone who hurt you big time because of..

Something there..
Something more
Something special about him that sparks your interest.

One day..
One little bit at a time.

*hugs*

((((Sunshine)))))

Doesn't Gypsy write beautifully? I think she's spot on- there must be a little something about your H that is special. Something that inspires you to see possibilities. You don't have to see the whole journey, just the first few yards, and a picture of where you want to get to.

It's freezing here today. I wish I was in Athens helping you eat all the delicious Greek food!

L. xx

Yep, she does write beautifully. She is "The Writer who sings and hugs"...

The weather here is...30 celcious. Summer weather. I went out for a starbucks coffee with a long sleeved t-shirt on and was hot... The sun shines and it is clear...

Gypsy, thanks for your posts. Need to re read and everything you say is right but there is a BUT. And you know what they say, the BUT cancels the previous part of the sentence.
Somehow, I am right there, where he was a year ago. Amazing huh? This is really weird.

I am breathing, I am strong, my smile is a bit frozen (like a mask) but I dont intent to settle. I am going for the dive...
K

Had a facial mask, a body mask, a hair mask and did my toe nails. So, I feel better.

My Lady, when you get off work you may need a break away from London. Otherwise, I am coming to you... Your pick.

Wow Kalni..
"Somehow, I am right there, where he was a year ago. Amazing huh? This is really weird."

Is that true?? Gosh, is that how you see it? Are yu going to tell him no then, or did I read that wrong!

Its cold here, but it is sunny.
Al xxx

You read it wrong. I meant I am torn just as he was a year ago. I can feel now how he felt... I am not saying no. I said I am taking the dive (in Greek at least it makes sense)
xxxx
K

((((((((((Kalni)))))))))))

Kalni,

I am reading and sending you so much love...

T