Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE TnGuy's Thread

Dance Queen,

I am sorry to highjack this thread, but I've had some issues come to the forefront lately. And I was wondering if you could help me out. I don't know if you remember me, but I'm poet on the boards. I posted to Sex-starved in the beginning of my marriage crisis.

Anyway, you talked about pornography at one time with Baggie et. al. And I was wondering if you could point me to that thread????
It seems porn has come up again with my IC about my H, and I don't really have a handle on his addiction (as if anyone not in the addictive mode could have). Anyway, I'm very confused about some things and headed for D with my H and I need to make some of my own decisions about it right quick!

If you can, you can post to my thread, which is days old now. Or, you can post back here, and I will find you.

Thanks so much,
poet

DQ, My sister-in-law's past behavior (she's changed in the past 5yrs due to severe health problems) is no concern of mine. I only mention it because it can't help but have affected my wife's earliest attitudes towards sex. It's certainly important to my wife: she's cited it along with her father's alcoholism as one of the reasons she has very little contact with her family, or the "trash" as she calls them. Again, it's in her mind, not mine. I couldn't care less about it except insofar as it affects my wife. Thanks and keep the help coming, everyone.

TnGuy,

I've been on this site for a little while now, and it still amazes me when I come across yet another person with the same " issues " as myself. I know this is what these boards are for, but I still think to myself, wow!

Anyway............. I read your thread and I wonder if you have talked to her about that " night " where she said she was in the mood and you missed it. Is she open to talking with you, or does she shy away from it like most do here? I wonder if you told her how you would LOVE to have her initiate, and that you simply just didn't pick up on the signs that she wanted to ML.

I agree with DQ with the sister aspect of all this. You may not have any issue with it, but I'm also thinking that maybe your W does. You even said she calls them " trash " I'm wondering if her lack of enthusiasm is somewhat linked to what she has in her mind about sex because of her sister and how she views her past. Just an observation but it might be one of the larger reasons she just had the attitude of > get it over with. ??

Now the real work will be to teach her that S between a H and W is exactly as Bagheera said......... >The primary purpose of sex is to bind the man and woman together as a couple in pleasure, in love, and in a level of physical and emotional intimacy that nothing else can surpass, and also its ok to have fun with it!!

My 2 cents, and wanted to see how things were going.

D74, I couldn't agree more with your entire post. Lots of wisdom there.

1)We did indeed talk about the night where she subtly showed being "in the mood" and I missed it. I won't go into a word for word account, but her essential point was this: she doesn't crave sex as much as I do and being openly forward about wanting to make love makes her "feel like a whore" (her exact choice of words there). I explained to her (in a calm and patient tone, channeling my inner Jedi) that God approves of marital sex; he even encourages it in The Song of Songs. I told her that she can look on marital sex as a reward; in other words, she controlled herself for so long (into her 20s), now she can proudly and wildly abandon herself to her sexual urges that I believe she's suppressed for so long. No one will disapprove.

2) As I've indicated elsewhere in these forums, my wife's father is a thoroughgoing and unrepentant alcoholic. I believe that a distrust of men from an early age caused by her father's drinking combined with her embarassment over her sister's behavior have combined to poison her attitudes toward sex, even the monogamous variety.

3) We had sex twice yesterday (and flirted a little before she went to her night job a couple of hours ago). What surprised me most about yesterday was threefold: 1) The 1st time yesterday was at 5am (we both have Wed off from our jobs); she hates doing ANYTHING (not just sex) right after waking. 2)I took advice I've received elsewhere and tried some oral techniques in that early morning session; she orgasmed TWICE before intercourse. I remember she looked at me afterwards with an expression that was a mixture of a smile and surprise. 3) When we made love later that afternoon, she orgasmed THREE TIMES before I did, and that time was all intercourse, no oral.

4)When I asked her WTF got into her yesterday, she said " I'm trying to enjoy myself. You were right, my sister's problems are hers to deal with. I won't toss away most of my fun just because she had hers in a way that screwed up a big part of her life." That is an exact quote. Pretty big progress, huh?

I know that she might slide back and forth in her progress, but I guess my duty as her husband is to make her feel safe and cherished for her whole self, not just what she can give me in bed. And, of course, doing that will (fingers crossed) make her feel even more attracted to me. Win-win!

Thanks, everyone. If things keep going like this, I may become a lurker more than a poster around here. Please, keep the advice coming.

Indeed. Women tend to feel the most loved due to things outside of the bedroom. Good sex, from their perspective, is a nice icing on the cake. Using John Gray's terminology, your job is to make sure that she feels: respected, validated in her opinions and feelings, supported and cared for by you, and as you state above, cherished. Acts of service on your part are EXTREMELY IMPORTANT --> anything that you can do to lighten her burden, take over a duty, or cross off one more item on her daily "to do" list.

At the same time, keep working on the five items listed by Gary and Barbara Rosberg. Frequently (and honestly) affirm how beautiful and attractive she is to you. Maintain a close friendship, talk often, and keep up a firm emotional connection. During the day, and particularly when she is wrapped up in her daily routine and duties, supply plenty of non-sexual touch, hugs and acts of physical connection that don't make her feel like she's being ogled and groped. As often as the ideas strike you, romnace and court your wife as if you were still dating (this goes a long way toward making her feel cherished), and when the mood and time is right, seduce her into bed, rather than just asking "Wanna go upstairs?" And finally, display your spiritual side in your relationship, not just reading and quoting doctrine, but sharing the more private, personal, and heartfelt aspects with your wife.

{dusts off hands} There...that should keep us both busy for a while. I needed the above reminders to myself, also.

-- B.

P.S. I'll have to admit to having a small warning bell in my head with your posts TnGuy, stemming from the influence that Shere Hite's The Hite Report had on my ideas regarding female sexuality as a young man (some good influence, some not so good). My concern is this: *most* women who are multi-orgasmic are that way out of practice --> they've explored their own sensuality and sexuality (both by themselves and with a partner), have learned what pleases themselves, focused on it, and have conditioned themselves to it. On the other hand, *most* women who have severe inhibitions, have sexual hang-ups and sex-related guilt, who don't masturbate or consider themselves to be sensual and sexual, are often non-orgasmic or barely orgasmic with a partner (and usually never through intercourse alone). Add to this the fact that when surveyed, over 50% of women admit to faking orgasms when they feel pressured to achieve one. So you see the cause of my concern.

If I were you, I'd do some Internet research into all of the various signs of female orgasm (and these are often subtle and variable from woman to woman and orgasm to orgasm), and then pay close attention to your wife and watch for those signs during sex. I'm NOT saying accuse her of anything -- you may just be very, very lucky with her -- but read up on it and pay close attention to her signs and indicators. And if you think things aren't entirely genuine, then be very gentle: she's been trying to protect your feelings and ego, not be malicious.

Bagheera,

I have indeed considered (in the past) that my wife has faked orgasms. Everything I had ever heard or read prior to our marriage seemed to indicate that women rarely orgasmed from vaginal intercourse alone.

Early in our marriage, when I noticed how easily she orgasmed from intercourse, I raised the issue in the way of expressing amazement at how easily she orgasmed and contrasting it with what I'd read and heard. My wife said she didn't know why it was so easy for her; it just was. Perhaps, as you indicate, I'm just very lucky that her physical/mental "wiring" seems to make her climax easy.

For those following this thread, more good news: my wife and I ML last night after my parents (who were visiting for my wife's 32nd birthday, which is actually tomorrow) left after coming up for supper. More good news: SHE INITIATED. Most forcefully, in fact. I was grabbed and hauled (as much as a 120lb woman can haul a 235lb man) to the bedroom, where we spent nearly an hour.

If asked to speculate as to my wife's radical change in behavior in the past few weeks, I would venture to say that I have felt more able to speak to her about our problems because of the wisdom and encouragement I've received in these forums. Especially from people I've disagreed with elsewhere. It shows an impressive degree of maturity when past heated disagreements can be put aside: after all, we're here to help each other. Thanks everyone, and I'll keep you updated. Also, maybe I'll lurk around a few other threads and offer what help I can when I can.

Hi, everyone. Got some bad news. I won't be around for awhile, maybe a long while. Some financial and medical issues have come up that are pretty much dominating everything. Thanks for all your support. Bye.