Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse How to treat a WAW when I've stopped chasing her?

She came to bed at midnight last night. The good thing about yesterday is that she did spend some time with me and the kids out in the living room and watched a movie for a bit. She does seem a bit cold to me. Not sharing much info, not talking to me as much as she was in the past. I'm kind of wondering what is going on inside her head but I'm being very careful to not ask or change how I am behaving around the house. I'm holding course, not acting at all like I'm hurt, I'm not moping around, when I get home I act as if I'm happy and excited to see them (which I am) and I always try to just be like there is nothing wrong.

Yesterday I contacted an old friend that I grew up with. He and I haven't talked in a long time and he has been going through some hard times as well. So we're going to get together in the upcoming weeks and talk a bit. This is a part of my GAL.

I think that once I talk to my psycologist and decide if I'm going to ask her if she is still going to go to the movie with me or not, I will be sure to go by myself if that is the case.

Since this is the first time I've had to deal with this, I don't know what to expect from her so I don't know if her emotions are frustrations with me that I'm not "slipping back into my old ways" or if it is something else. Either way I'm not going back to who I was. That was a selfish terrible person and I can't see living the rest of my life like that.

Like I said before, today should be interesting. I'm working from home so we'll be around each other most of the day. Will report more later.

-Alli

Yeah, she is getting irritated with me for sure I think. I haven't done anything negative to make her this way. I've completely backed off, no touching at all, and no ILY. I was out in the front room watching her get the kids ready for Halloween. I realized that the kids lunches weren't ready yet and so I jumped up and said "Do the kids need sandwiches made?" intending to make their lunches while she got them ready. She didn't want any help from me. She said she had plenty of time so I went and sat back down.

Then she was talking to my daughter and she was irritated with her and I was watching them in the kitchen. She looked at me and said "What?!" I shrugged and said "nothing..".. I was really just watching my daughter which was behind her. Yeah, I can feel the tension growing a bit each day.

I promise I will not be the one to start anything. If she tries to push my buttons I will not give in to anger or frustration. I will be strong, calm, and collected. If anything happens and she talks to me I will support her, listen to her, and be there for her.

This morning was really hard for me. Her showing that she is irritated at me in general is just hard to deal with and keep on a happy face. She got her costume on and went to our daughters school. She had me take a couple pictures of her out in front of the house before she left. She was nice and stuff and I told her she looked great.

After she left I came in the house and broke down again. I feel really good about how I am handling things these days but by no means is this easy. I am 110% committed to doing the right thing and not failing in my actions. I know all I can do is do the right thing and keep my chin up when she is here and be a good friend to her dispite the annoyances she is showing me.

I pray that she can open a part of her heart and let me in to show her that I can be the husband that I should have been all along and that I will be forever going forward.

-Alli

Alli,

The weekend before my wife left I spent the entire weekend talking to her, crying with her, fighting with her, and I thought I was getting through to her until I went home around 9 am that Monday morning and she was talking to her EA on voice chat. She was so enthralled that she didn't even hear me come in.

That was the final straw for me. I told her she had to go right then. That she was being disrespectful to me and our marriage. She had already promised she wouldn't contact him again as long as she was still living in our apartment. The hardest part was seeing some of what they were saying to each other in text chat and hearing her laugh like a school girl.

Of course this still didn't keep me from trying to talk her out of it. Over the next couple of weeks I did everything I could to "make her see" what a great guy I was, and I kept pointing it out to her. BIG MISTAKE!

From what I've read, keep the conversations civil and keep them about the kids if at all possible. Don't discuss anything about the R (relationship) or the M (marriage) with her at this point. Don't remind her of good times unless it's through actions but don't do it so overtly that she knows what you're up to.

Don't be lovey dovey with her, but be nice and respectful. And while you're GALing, don't share it with her. If she asks where you're going be polite but just say, "Out with a friend." Let there be some mystery. Drop the "honey" and "sweetie" from your vocabulary for now.

It's okay to break down when you're alone or with a trusted friend, or when you come here to vent, just don't let her see the hurt. I do it and I'm at the point now where I'm not even sure if my WAW deserves me. But I'm going to keep going because I know there is someone out there that does. And more importantly, I deserve the best me possible. Make this about you along the way, about being a better you for yourself. She'll be the one losing out in the end if she doesn't turn around.

I wish I could be more helpful to you, I know it's a tough situation to be in, I'm there myself.

Keep me posted on your progress, and if you do backslide, look at it as being on a diet, don't give up altogether, and don't over analyze or apologize too much for it.

Keep working on your PMA and GAL and let her see what she'll be missing. In the end you just have to believe if she doesn't see it (this is where I think I'll end up), then it's going to be her loss.

At this point I'm sort of starting to feel bad for my soon to be ex, because she is going to miss out on the best of me and at the same time, until she realizes her part in things, she's going to miss out on the best of life in general.

Good luck,

Dash

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm working hard on not talking anything about the relationship.

I just realized that I'm pretty sure she might be going through a bit of PMS because I know when her cycle is and it is coming up very soon so this may not be helping her at the moment. I think it would be extra wise for me to lay low this weekend and just take care of myself and do some stuff with the kids.

I had my appt and when I had to go get my allergy shots. When I got home she was only home for about 10-15 mins, she was already in the game playing with that guy again. It seems all they do is spend time together.

Man, we are in the same room and she sits behind me and plays with this guy. She has all kinds of fun and laughs a lot and stuff. It just kills me not knowing if this guy is scmoozing her and becoming involved together. They spend so much time together I can't say how they couldn't have anything going on. And to think that she spends all this time with him in our own house while we're married just kills me. If I said anything all it would do would upset her and she would tell me they're just friends and that I was being a jealous jerk and that would just push her farther away. So I have to bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut and be happy around here. Argh this hurts so bad. :'-(

..and I heard her telling these guys that she put pictures of our kids and stuff on her MySpace page and her in her costume so they could see. Man, this is difficult.

Before we went out I thought about my girls and yelled upstairs to see if they were hungry. My girls said no, but my wife yelled Yes! My girls wanted McD and she wanted Taco Bell. So I said that I would go to both places and pick us up some food while they finished getting ready and went over to her Moms. As I went out the door she said thank you and I said you're welcome.

I'm guessing that it is these kinds of simple tasks that make the difference. I feel that I was thoughful in thinking of the girls being hungry and then went out to get something for them because they were busy. In the past I wouldn't have asked and surely wouldn't have wanted to go out and buy food. Only time will privide me with more of these opportunities to show her how important my girls and my wife are to me.

Then my wife, my wifes Mom, myself, and my two girls went out Trick or Treating. We had a good time but it was for sure wierd that I couldn't touch her with affection. I would always touch her when we would walk in some fashion or another. I wasn't all over her in the past, I would just give a touch on the shoulder, back, etc when I would be close. Just sad that I can't do that anymore. We talked about general stuff and we had a decent time. I am feeling better though because I know that I'm hungry more often. I need to be careful that I don't lose it and gain all the 21 pounds that I lost back.

One thing that is so hard to handle is the fact that I have no idea how long it will take to get a good sign that things are improving for us. I will just take it one day at a time and keep plugging away making myself a better person.

I was out today and I have always wanted to take a CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver classes in case I ever needed. I have thought about it in the past that if someone in my family or someone around me needed something and I didn't know how to do it, I would feel terrible. So I'm going to fix that by learning how to save someones life. It is something that I will be proud of myself for. I hope I never have to use it but if I do, I hope I can give someone else a second chance at life.

-Alli

Last night my wife played the game from about 8pm until around 11pm. Then she is sleeping in this morning. I closed the door and locked it so that the kids couldn't come in and wake her up. I know she appreciates this so it is something that I like to do for her without expecting something in return. I also got her coffee ready for her this morning just because it's something that I like to do. This is the latest she has slept in for the last month. I hope she feels better. She just got up. bbl.

Today I got up and took the Tahoe that my wife drives to get a nail removed and the hole patched. I got her coffee ready this morning but she was out of coffee pods. On the way home from the store I stopped and got me some soda, her some coffee pods, and some chicken bits/chunks that all of us like. I didn't say anything I just did it.

Then I went out in the garage which was FULL of stuff all over. I completely rearranged it all so she could park the truck in the garage so she and the girls wouldn't get wet since it's getting rainy here. She asked what I was doing and said I was doing it so the girls wouldn't get wet when going to the car. I didn't say I'm doing it for you so you won't get wet.

Then she seen the chicken bits in the fridge and came out and said in a surpised tone "When did you get the chicken bits?!" I said when I was on my way home, I got your coffee, chicken bits, and some soda for myself." She said "Wow, thats awesome. Thanks" or something. Then we had a chair that was falling apart. I fixed it and brought it back in.

When I was all done I came in the house and she asked if the truck was in the garage and I said "Yup..". Then she asked if I was going to put my car back in the driveway and I said "I already did" and then she replies with "Wow, look at you Mr. Efficient.". Made me feel good. But then she went right back to playing the game with that guy again. lol.

I have to get it in my mind that they're just friends otherwise it will eat me alive. I also need to make sure I'm showing her that I do love her by doing things around the house and sending time with the kids. I'm doing things that I would do either way if I was a happy person so I'm not doing things "just for her".

Anyways, thats what is going on today so far.

-Alli