Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Sometimes the pain is unbearable...

bizarre. bizarre. bizarre...W's parents called tonight...and the conversation went nowhere and was just tortured as can be...I told them that I was sorry about where things are headed, and that I am worried about their daughter, and simply asked them to be there for her as best they could. I didn't ask them to change her mind, or listen to my side of the story, or anything like that...I simply left it as it is...a sad, major change...and a daughter that needs them perhaps more than she's ever needed them before...

They called just when I was feeling a tense amount of pain and sadness - but after I talked with them I felt kind of resigned to accept the fact that my W came from an unhealthy family...with an unhealthy support system...and she is truly on her own in her journey through her intense personal pain.

For some reason, today a lot more thoughts of compassion have filled me head - sadness for her and the condition she is in - sadness that she is suffering so deeply inside that she doesn't even realize what she is destroying. Not all of who she has been over the years can be atoned for through her current pain - but her pain does make it easier for me to forgive her - and to let her go...since I cannot heal for her - and perhaps the love I have left for her is deep enough to understand the need to let her go...letting her go is a gift of love - letting her go will let her deal with issues that have held her and tormented her for years...it may very well lead to the end of our marriage - but since we have a son together, I know that I have to wish the best for her - she has to be healthy in order to foster a healthier environment for our son.

Saturday - after she moves out - will likely be devastating in some ways...though I'll have S11 with me for the weekend...which makes me think that the real pain, the real sorrow and the awareness of her physical absence will be on Monday...when S11 goes back to school...and I'll have my first night alone in this house...that could suck in a horrible way...we shall see...I am bracing for it - preparing for it - and finding ways to be kind to myself through the pain...

Getting closer to D-day...and it hurts a lot this morning. I'm going to do my best to stay busy today - look for some more work, spend some time in a cafe, and then take my baby boy to a Halloween party after school.

Feel a big hole in my chest this morning...and I know I'll have to fill it myself. I know that I need to be healthy without her - and I have to keep working toward that.

This pain will pass...I know it will...it has to...pain like this is impossible to have last forever.

There will be peace soon...and I will have the opportunity to find myself - or rather, rediscover myself - in a way I haven't in many years. I've had to take care of another adult for so long - I've worn myself taking on far too much responsibility for her for so many years that I'll finally have the time and space to concentrate on my goals - and my aspirations...

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Focus on your kids and you'll get through it.

Nut

JC, Have you read any books on Co-Dependency?

Co-Dependant No More by Melody Beattie is a good one- at least for me.

Carlos
You can get through this.
Like you said, letting her go on her own could be the best gift from you. Down the road, she may realize she had made a big mistake.
You are on the way to achieve many of your personal goals. You will soon find that really rewarding.

Good luck.

NW626

Carlos -

I too remember the first night I spent without the kids. You will get through this. Dont let it get you too down.

Purple...funny you should ask...I was thinking of picking that book up this weekend...I think it could do more for me than I had realized - especially as I'm now seeing how tight and perhaps unhealthy an attachment I had to my W.

Here's something very odd that happened today...our landlord took my wife out to lunch - not to talk about us necessarily - but just to make sure my W was okay (landlords are a married couple - the wife took my wife out). Turns out the landlords were exactly where we are right now just three years ago - many similarities...I don't know much about what they talked about - but the landlord called me and said that my W was very eager to talk with her and listen to her...

Now...that doesn't mean I'm going to try to stop her or stop myself from letting her go...I know that I have to - I know that I can be healthier by letting her go - and letting her pain be hers. I know there are many things I have to work on in me - and I shall...I've already realized just today how very much I have kept myself back from doing more with my life/time...and so I spent much of the morning reaching out to people - reaching out to people I've worked with in the past - and people I've hit it off with in my line of work - and I've asked them about their work - and I've done something I have never, ever done - despite the fact that I live in Los Angeles and work in the entertainment industry...I've never networked...and so now I'm going to give it a shot - and reach out to people and let them know I' around...

In another note...I just got word today that I got cast as the Wishing Tree in the script that I word for a kid's show...For those of you who haven't read my other threads...I wrote an episode for a kid's show in which there is a Wishing Tree at the end..this magical tree comes to life and grants wishing to animals in the Malaysian rain forest. When I was asked to audition I was completely shocked - but I did it...and, lo, I'm now going to be the voice of a character that meant a lot to me when I made him up - as he was motivated in large part by my own painful desires to have a wishing tree somewhere in my life...but wait...it gets better...I live in Pasadena, and right now - actually since this past summer - there's been an installation of Wishing Trees just outside the central movie theater in town...could all just be coincidence - but I prefer to think that there's some minor stream of meaning that I've somehow become party to...besides..thinking about it makes me happy.

There pictures of the Wish Trees here: http://imaginepeace.com/news/archives/670

(Yoko Ono is behind the installation).

Kerry and NW - thank you...
It will hurt - and it will be sad...but I will make it through...I have to...for myself and my kids.

I just wish there were a way to get rid of the pain in my heart...seems to be there constantly - not a medical pain - the breaking heart kind...

Carlos
Funny you mentioned Wishing tree. That reminds me of the Japaneses cartoon I used to watch when I was a kid in Hong Kong.
That's a such a cool story. I am glad that makes you happy.
The BIG MAN up there has his funny way to deliver his message.

Please keep up the PMA...

NW626

I know Carlos, I have the hole in my chest, too, but also resigned to the sitch. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow.