Yesterday I had to meet with my L for awhile about financial stuff. We have mediation next week, so it all the details have to be written out by Tuesday. She's not going to like it one bit, I'm certain of that. If it gets that far she will have to deal with the consequences of her decision.
Yesterday when I got home, she followed me down the driveway. She actually came up to talk to me...was being really nice, etc. She wanted some game tix a few weeks from now from me, I just replied 'I dont know'...she kept asking in different methods, I kept replying with 'I dont know'..she got real mad and stormed off. Then later sent me an email saying we were still legally married and they were technically half hers. Actually, not the case since I paid for them since legal separation. Anyway, the point isnt the tix, it's the idea that she was trying to be really nice to me I guess. She seems really stressed. The financial part of this deal is not going to be in her favor and I think she's realizing that.
My L did tell me her L told her that the card I gave her for her birthday made a big impact. whatever that means. she said it meant a lot to her...I really wonder why? I find it interesting how she communicated that back to me. She wanted me to know, but didnt want to tell me that.
I feel if we get to Tuesday and into Mediation, we will have crossed the point of no return. Thus, with no change, I wrote her a two page handwritten letter. Not really a good bye letter, but it did have a bunch of stuff about how I felt, what I was so proud of, what she meant to me, etc. I didnt put in anything negative about her, her behavior, or her friends. I taped it to her front door very early this morning. I havent heard anything from her yet about the letter.
My guess is I will be 2x4'd pretty good for this. But, if the Bday card was a big deal, maybe this will help. Nothing has changed, no progress made, so I wanted to do it.
Tostada - right now I bet you feel like you have nothing to lose and i certainly will not criticize you for that - given what must be restricted range of options right now i think that was a good move...I will keep my eye out for any reports on her reaction.
Is there anything else you could try?
best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Hey Tostada, I wouldn't 2x4 you over the letter. It seemed you were obsessing about the card and I don't think any of us thought this one or that one would change things. However, as you are feeling that there really isn't anything to lose, in that case, I heartfelt letter can help bring you closure and just may have a small impact on your wife.
I did receive a couple emails from her today..they were all document related. We both have to submit our 'positions' tomorrow for mediation on Fri.
She is going to be totally pissed at my position, I guarantee it. But, this is her choice and she will have to deal with the consequences of that choice. I can tell by her questions and needs that she has not been coached very well about this and is very naive what the consequences will be.
I am certain as of tomorrow, there is no turning back.
The legal stuff sure does throw a monkey wrench into it. But just remember what happed with gForce - they got right up to the final day and she had a huge change of heart.
The one thing you must be wary of is if she does get a bad deal that she does not change her mind and want back because of just it. You want her only back for her love of you.
all I ever wanted in this deal was an opportunity to exist where we knew the issues. she literally quit cold turkey. I have heard the reasons change like the wind. If she did flip and change her mind, i think it would take awhile of 'trying' before I totally put all my chips back in the middle. All I wanted to do was to 'find out' if what we knew now would change things. Her quitting cold turkey is going to emphasize the crappy deal she's going to end up with. If we went through a 'trying' phase and both agreed at the end that it wont work, then I'm sure I would have been much more amicable at the end. But being the way it is now, I'm going to totally protect myself and my kids. She's going to be a hot head about it I'm sure...because her divorced buddies got everything they wanted in their divorces from their husbands....it's going to be quite different here.
I rec'd a response to my letter. She mailed me a typed letter yesterday.
It's basically a good bye letter. She explains how when she met me she was an insecure person that didnt really know her direction. I was able to bring her security and comfort. She wasnt sure if anyone would really want to be with her and I gave her that. She did say I was a great, funny, kind, sensitive person that could put up with her.
Then she goes on to say she has grown so much over the years. She finally knows what she wants. She didnt think we had a great relationship when we got married, but thought we could develop that (what a novel idea and I totally disagree with that). She states that I wasnt much of a communicator, says she could have tried harder on our relationship with me, but knew in the end it wasnt what she needed. She says she will not settle for anything less than what she wants.
She compares our relationship to some other couples in the neighborhood. In my opinion, it's a crappy comparison, because we arent too different than they are. She says we didnt have love and respect between us. She brings up a couple examples of events in our past, such as spending money, etc. She agrees that she did ignore me at times.
Her biggest hangup is she thinks we are too different. Yes, we do have differences, but I think we complement each other very well. It wouldnt have worked for 18yrs if that wasnt true.. She says I am unable to change, maybe I could, but she wouldnt want to change me, and doesnt want anyone to change her. Yet she agrees she has many faults. In the end, she basically says she does not have a connection with me. She does finally admit that our marriage wasnt all bad and she can admit that now...was sorry she couldnt earlier.
She also says I have hurt her for things I have said or done to her. I have no idea what those are. She says she feels very guilty for hurting me and knows what she is doing is right for both of us. She also says she knows we could work things out and try harder, but I deserve better.
Anyway...I replied to her letter pretty quickly. There is much change in her letter from her continued stance. But in the end, she's convinced were too different. I am amazed that she could admit we could work it out, try harder. But she has totally quit.
She did not reply to my reply, nor would she answer her phone when I called.
We each submitted paperwork yesterday for mediation. I'm sure she's really pissed about that too....since we are very far apart on some issues.
Oh well...I tried my best I guess. I dont think she has really too many good reasons to get divorced. She brings up some examples of problems between us. To me, they are all things that could be worked out with good communication. As for our differences, we all have differences. Thats what makes the world go round. Its how you deal with them that makes relationships work. Running from your problems never really solves anything.
