Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? I guess it's over

Hey Trixie,

I personally saw some positives in the things he said to you, but sounds like you need to back off and go dark as you said. He sounds pretty conflicted. How are you doing tonight? Do you feel, as though I did, that you have ha "the scales lifted from your eyes" ?

Ali xxx

Thanks so much you guys.
I'm feeling pretty low. Confused. Hurt. Scared. Sick.



Actually, that sounds VERY appealing. VERY! I love the Oregon coast. I had wanted to go to Crater Lake or Sun River this summer, but I never made it. Yeah, I need a road trip. Which part of the coast are you on?



No way. When he said something about being friends last night I said "I don't see you as a "{friends nickname}". I already have plenty of guy friends." He said he hated the thought of letting me go.

I pointed out that there are lots of marriages out there that are lacking one or both of what he says we have. (Friendship and great sex life). Heh- I guess that's what a F-buddy is. pffft.

He said he would do anything for me. I said "yeah, except live with me and actually commit."

He said that he had hoped to recapture what he felt for me early on in our marriage, but that he must have just been on the path to being single for too long. You know what really breaks my heart? I was starting to struggle with my thyroid and at the time did not fully appreciate his love for me. And now I don't have it.

I'm going to be going to the dentist and doctor to get everything caught up, because if we divorce, I have no insurance.

I don't plan to be in contact with him; at this point, it won't matter to him if I go dark, because he is obviously detached from me. I don't plan to file since this isn't what I want.

If he calls up and wants to be chummy- what do I say?

I think you have to cross that bridge when you come to it. For the next day or so take the best care of you that you can, reach out to friends and family. Do something you enjoy and try not to dwell. The pain will lesson, you know that, cry and yell and scream right now if you have to and then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and set out to be the best you that you can, then you win no matter what may or may not happen in the future. Pin your hopes on you, not some other outside influence.

Well... you hate the thought of not being married to him. So he can suck it up and deal with it, if he's not going to commit to you.



I know exactly what you mean. I think H probably started losing his love for me around the time my leg broke and I got very, very depressed (I didn't want to live with me.. why would anyone else???). I'm sorry, I know how much it hurts.



Personally.. until you're stronger.. I wouldn't answer. Let it go to voicemail. If it's "business" call him back. If not, email or text him and tell him it's too painful for you to be "just friends" with him and you'll need to discuss business matters only. He may get pi$$ed.. you're taking away his cake. Too damn bad. The other alternative is if he does call, go ahead and answer, but have a "script" ready telling him what I said - it's too painful right now to be "just friends" and you need to keep it business only. After that, don't answer - let it go to VM and only call back if needed.

Be cordial but not friendly, eager, interested in his life. Talk to him like you talk to that neighbor that you see sometimes and you don't DISlike but you don't really want to be friends with, either.

((((Trixi))))

Start planning that road trip. It'll help you feel better to focus on something fun just for you! And this is a GREAT time to go - all the fall colors should be just starting to come out.

Dommmmm!!!! Where have you been?!



LOL- thanks

How are YOU doing? What's the news? You say that I have gone above and beyond-- so have you!

Unfortunately, I don't think he's conflicted one bit. He doesn't want to be married. He doesn't want to be committed to anything.
He would really like for me to be his friend, be in his life, sleep with him--but he doesn't want me to "count on him".

I don't know about the scales being lifted. I could tell he was drifting away from me. There is really no new news; just him admitting that he won't reconcile with me.
He tried to "blame" me for the situation; I "let him get away with it". Big Ass Eye Roll.

LOL- YEAH!!!



Fall is my favorite time of the year. Time to go to Kayak.com and see if there are any airfare specials.
If I don't get *something* in escrow, though, I'll probably going to be just hanging out in my backyard.

Is it really a good idea to tell him it's "too painful" to talk to him? Seems like then he will still be assuming I am waiting in the wings.

Hi. I'm kinda new and in my own drama, but I thought I put in my two cents.

I agree you need to go dark on him. He is being selfish (and I'll fess up saying it takes one to know one. :P) He might not realize how selfish he's being, but from the outside, he's hunting and searching outside the marriage to fill some lack that he doesn't have and it's not your job to give it to him. He needs to figure that out for himself, and bring it back in himself and if it hurts you to be close by while he's doing/learning/seeking/f*cking, then you need to go dark.

I know that hurts to hear this it and probably doesn't help the relationship, but since he has different ideas on what "the relationship" actually is compared to your idea...there isn't one.

-Esky

I am remembering more of what happened last night;

We ended up discussing what "commitment" means. Because he said the thing about 2 failed marriages, I said that perhaps it is because it's my first marriage that the word commitment really means something to me. That on those nights that I when I am exhausted and want to give up, that I think back to how I made a vow, a commitment thru sickness and in health. And that to a degree, I see what he is doing as not being well. (I even asked if he ever considered that he might be bi-polar, and he said that actually, he had.) Anyway, I said that it is the commitment that makes me 'stand in the gap' when I think I am too tired. That is when he said "Don't stand in the gap anymore. Because I don't want to be married. You need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself."

Yes, Esky, I agree that he is seeking something outside himself to fill a void. Even he knows that. Actually, when he was going on and on about how he doesn't want to be tied down, I said "yeah, you were SO tied down when we were together. Actually, you basically lived a married singles life." And he said "well, that wasn't good either. I was just trying to fill a void." SIGH. I could have pointed out that he could have turned towards me and not away, but there was no point.

Honestly, I wonder why I even bothered to point out my side of things. It doesn't matter. The "no" wins.

I am still shaking my head that he tried to be cute with me, wanted to go to bed, tried to be cute at the door when he left. He is a real piece of work.

Trixi,

Speaking from personal experience, I realized about five years ago that I had gotten to where I was in life based on a set of behaviours. I had a loving wife, kids, great job, a lot of travel under my belt. And I sensed that something had to change about my behaviours. There was something dark. If I didn't change, I would die. So instead of dealing with things, I ended up cranking my "normal" interest in porn up to a "A with Porn" level and have destroyed my marriage in the process.

After my W dropped the bomb, I remembered finding a group called the Mankind Project, which is a non-profit org that helps men discover their true masculine calling. Men helping men. I know the "void" for me was not having a father around to model strong male maturity for me. I had a dad, but he was a workaholic. I think I'm not supposed to talk about other orgs, but you can Google it.

If you've resigned yourself to accepting that he's gotta go off and do his own thing, maybe suggest this. What the heck. And then detach yourself from whatever outcome may happen after you let him know.

Stay strong and good on ya for resisting his cute remarks. They obviously have an effect on you still.