Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? I guess it's over

Had a very nice time tonight with the kids and H.
Made me cry afterwards.
During dinner StepSon said "This is really nice. All of us here. I'm having a great time."
Daughter said the same thing.

I want my H back. I want my family back.

I picked up SS from our old house and drove him took him to the restaurant (and picked up DD too). Anyway, SS and I had a good 40 minutes alone in the car together. He says that he doesn't understand what his dad is doing because a commitment is a COMMITMENT. He said that he doesn't understand why he is "testing the waters" what it is so obvious he still loves me. He said that H told him "I still in love with her; but I'm confused. I have no idea what I am doing."

Sigh.

Hey Trixi-

Hugs and I hope the biopsy turns out ok! Sending some PMA your way.



WOW! I would say there is still some hope there if you draw back from him and he sees or hears of you chatting w. a new man (even xbf if you want)That is some serious emotion that he readily feels and admits. It shows that he deeply cares about you- however he thinks he 'has' you already so he doesn't need to do anything, it's old hat to him- He is cake eating.

Ok- so go back to DB. Reread the 'Act as if' part. If he sees a big chance of losing you, he may turn around to fight for you and feel like he wants the commitment on his own(Hey that's MY woman! What's that other guy doing- where is she going?). Like DB says- stop talking about your R completely, act like you you're moving on. Don't talk to him much anymore(papers don't have to be filed to do this- unless you want to). Don't answer his calls or emails or texts, IMs very often at all anymore - only like once a week. There's a good chance he will start asking and wondering what you're up to if you can do this. Start chatting with these new guys, start doing other new things that you want to do- and casually let him know something about your new friend x or that sorry you're busy, you've got 'an event' that night- when you do talk to him. Don't share your whole life w. him anymore- be vague and mysterious. What do you like to do to have fun? What are your top 5 favorite things, places, etc? You can do this!!

Hey Trixi, glad youe evening went well.

I remember an earluer post where your H told you that he just needed some time. Now your son has said the same.. so, seems to me that you really need to work on your patience! This could take a while!? Put all thoughts of splitting up, D, moving on, dating out of your mind.. work on looking after yourslef whilst your H works through his issues and feels able to tell you clearly one way or the other that he wants to come back to the M or D. Be patient, give him what he asked for - time?

Ali xxx

((Trixi))

Good luck with the biopsy! Yeah, it does sound like they're great about keeping anxiety down. Yes, we are definitely twins!! I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you on the biopsy and results.

On the dating thing.. if you were sure you were done with your M I'd probably agree. I think dating lots of people casually and taking things slow is definitely a good idea after a D. In your particular sitch I just worry that it would be setting someone up for a lot of hurt. As Ali said it IS a coping mechanism that works for some people.



I don't know that he's trying to make you file - I think he probably just doesn't have any motivation to do so. You're letting him do whatever he wants, including sleeping with other women, while you're still married - why bother with the work and expense of a D?

I would argue that you're ALREADY out in the great unknown... though I guess you do have a fishing line attached to you so you're not totally out there.

I agree 100% with all of LL's advice! So I'll just repeat it..



...and I'll add in my prior suggestion, take lots of pics, and fill your digital frame with them!



Ali - the only thing I worry about here is - HOW MUCH time? Trixi it's been what, over a year separated, and nearly 4 since the first bomb? Did I get the timeline right? That's a lonnnng time to deal with this.

I'm so glad you had a nice night!! Sorry it was a little bittersweet, but I am glad you had such a good family night. I bet it's tugging at H's heart a bit, too.

(((trixi)))

Sorry to hear you've got so many more things going on. I hope the biopsy works out.

I'm amazed you had dinner. I'm scared to invite my W and kids over for dinner because I think there won't be any conversation and we'll just get the girl's hopes up.

It's nice to hear you had a good time. I'm just totally impressed you've hung on this long. You're a stubborn one, aren't you?

[start tongue-in-cheek]
I don't think your H is telling you about other women because he's trying to get you jealous. I think that's just his "self-talk" leaking out and trying to validate himself that "I'm the MAN. The MACK-DADDY. Look at the size of my dick!" It helps him feel good that he's hot and he's hoping you'll agree with him. So he tells you. The next time he starts that just raise an eyebrow and say "It's okay, honey. I like you just the way you are."

Personally, I wish my W had said that to me more often. It's nurturing, without the mothering overtones. And not having mothering overtones is important because I know I don't want to be married to my mother. EWWWWWWW!
[end tongue-in-cheek]

I think dating is a bad idea for two reasons. It gives him some leverage on the relationship and that's not good. Especially if you think he's trying to get you to file. That's a wussy way to deal with it. If he had real backbone, he'd have the affair, file for D, make sure you and the kids were all set up. All short and sharp. But obviously, he still needs time. Don't accept his offer to lead...if you know what I mean.

The other reason I think dating is bad is because I don't "date". I just "do stuff with people". No expectations. No hanky panky. Well...okay...I flirt...but I don't touch.

Doing things in groups with members of the opposite sex is not a bad idea, though. I wish someone would come up with a list of "legal things you can do with the opposite sex while separated" that are fun, but are honest and clean. eg. hiking as opposed to camping trips. Ballroom dancing or cooking class or wine tasting or continuing education courses.

Take lots of photos, especially if guys are around and squeeze in tight.

I gotta ask a question and maybe this is answered in a previous thread, but did you have a lot in common with you H? Did you have lots to talk about when you were first going out? I'm wrestling with this 'seeming' lack in my sitch and I'm taking a survey.

(((hugs)))

Hey Esky-
Long time no talk to.
For the sake of clarification- my H hasn't talked about other women to ME for a long time. (Not since he announced back in March he had slept with the 2 girls 'half my age'.) But at some point he told his son he was "testing the waters." I did not ask *when* exactly that was said; I guess I could have grilled SS to find out timelines, but I didn't want to risk putting a black cloud over the evening.

Yes, I am stubborn (or stupid). He gives me just enough positive (or wishy washy) statements to keep hope alive.

With regard to us having stuff in common- we had the kids and we would go out and do stuff "as a family" when we were dating. We are both creative sorts. We liked the same food and tv shows. We lived together quite well. But, I lack the propensity towards physical things. He snowboards, skiis, wakeboards,golfs..stuff I don't "naturally" lean towards.

I think that he is out shopping for someone to replace me. And if he finds someone 'better' he will no longer be 'confused' and need time. How much does THAT suck?! I should say that I will be the "treat" or nothing. (I think that's how Kalni put it.) I could be wrong and he could be actually trying to take some time to think, but I doubt it.

He is a guy that is used to getting what he wants. I think the idea that I might not be there for him in the future hasn't really occurred to him. I mean, c'mon. He talks about how we can always get back together later, and then adds in as almost an afterthought, "if that's what we both want."

Honestly, I think it might do him some good to see me moving forward with my life. And the only thing that might actually rock his world is if he believed I was *really* interested in another guy.

I am NOT going out there to try to find someone that I can 'use' to scare my H. I am just trying to go out and have a good, fun, time. Having said that, if I did meet someone that turned my head, I am open to exploring possibilities. My H has strung me on a helluva long time. It would probably take a lot to get my full attention...I guess I feel like I am in a boat I didn't choose, floating down a river. Instead of fighting against the current, I am just going to enjoy the ride and see where I go.