Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy trying to be patient and strong 7

Thanks you all!!! I do feel pretty good lately. Of course now that I say that, I'll take a turn for the worse!!!

Just got the kids hair cut. They look adorable. D8 gets her girl scout picture tonight so she should look cute! I'm going to get mine cut tomorrow. I have way too long hair now looks wild so I'm going to go shoulder-length (I know you guys are fascinated with that).

Question for anyone that knows the legal D stuff more than me (which is everyone I think) The L wanted me to figure out expenses and it's about $4000 a month for bills, that includes all the house/utility/phone bills, my $200 for groceries, $100 for homeschooling, and not too much extra. She told me to put in spending $ so I put maybe $50 for movies and eating out which you know I haven't been doing. That works out to $48,000 for me and the kids and H makes $87,000 unless he's gotten a promotion this year (which I hope). My question is it that going to be a huge #--is $48,000 way out of line for what H makes? I think the only way I could reduce expenses is to sell the house which I was hoping not to do. I could probably save on taxes and insurance that way although not on the actual monthly payment, and I probably won't have to pay much if any taxes anyway, but I was hoping to keep the kids' life as much the same as I possibly could. Our mortgage payment is $800 and it's about that much to rent in this town.

I guess I will email H tonight re: the bedroom thing. Maybe I'll post later and give a rough draft, and will try to strong but polite probably? Have to do groceries and girl scouts and try to fit in a little bit of homeschooling too of course! Karen

Don't forget car matainence fees and such in your misc. expenses. Karen I am not suggesting that you make up expenses but really think about all the things like haircuts, clothes, gifts,etc. I don't think it is out of line.

kat

My L had a form that we filled out--as well as having some average numbers when I had no idea about amounts for expenses. Might be worth checking to see if yours does too.

Karen,

It all depends on the laws in your state. I can give you a for instance from here (albeit under Cdn laws). This is the anal accountant side of me... unfortunately I have looked into this quite a bit.

$87K would net, here, approximately $52K per year (after tax). Generally settlements in a sitch like yours would have W getting on average 50%, or $26K. Tax may impact that somewhat, but the net would amount to the same. There is also a legal "leaning" that has developed for both sides to become self sufficient.

Like I said, it depends on the laws in your state. Your L will know best.

FYI (and a laugh??), when W had her L send me a letter asking that I leave the house in a week and then requesting $xxxx / month, the $xxxx amounted to almost 75% of my net. My L just laughed...

I know!!It seems like every week we have unusual expenses for Halloween today or haircuts or whatever, stuff I don't think about. I thought I might go online and see if I could find someone's sample budget or something and make sure I don't forget some important stuff. I don't know how you can remember everything though, so a part time job might be good for me to get to cover all that plus if my alimony doesn't cover enough. Also, the L just called (she calls every day now so scary $$$) but she wants me to call the special needs school in the nearby town (the only one nearby) and see how much it is. My C told me it was over $20,000 a year and we have 2. The jobs with a college degree and experience pay in the low 20's here so it would seem crazy to me to spend over $40,000 a year for school and me to make at least $10,000 less. Not even figuring out gas for a long commute to their school and my job and all the other expenses of working.

Guess what? The director of the Art Center called when I was at the grocery store just now? I'm kicking myself b/c I leave my purse in the car while I shop b/c S14 usually pushes the cart and wanders away sometime so I don't like leaving my stuff by itself. I called right back and had to leave a msg. on her VM!!! She called about the temporary job. Don't know if she will give it to me, but I'm thinking I'll have to go in for an interview. She thanked me again for helping her out last week before I even found out about the job opening (although I wonder if she thinks I did know and that's why I helped out. But no, just coincidence, although you know we always say we don't believe in coincidence here. But I'm trying not to get my hopes up again if it doesn't work out. I'm still not 100% certain it's part-time even though that's what the lady from church said.

BTW, apparently H's L sent an email to my L asking when I would be working. My L answered back as soon as one of the jobs I apply to will hire me. H and apparently the L are just looking to me to fix all the financial problems. Of course H could get a 2nd job or a better-paying private job (he works for the state) or economize himself, but no that would require effort on his part!!! I'm very tempted and I mean I'm seriously thinking about emailing H that if he and his L are so worried about a part-time job and taking too long, maybe he should look into one. My schedule is more than his 45 hours of work (with vacation every month since OW)!!!

I'm figuring it's $48,000 right now just to cover basic bills, taxes, health insurance, and all the other stuff the kids and I need. So out of $87,000 my H gets about $60,000 (only have to pay federal taxes not state in FL). So the kids and I would get half of that; 3 people living on half of what H would make? The L did say it worked out to $1600 in child support for the kids but I don't know how much alimony is. My extra problem is the kids are both autism/dyslexic and public school and private school won't work. My S tried a private school with just 10 kids in the class and couldn't do it b/c of all his issues and D8 has the same issues plus some extra behavioral issues. School for special needs kids are over $40,000 so wouldn't make sense for me to work full-time here. My other 2 ideas I had were either make H pay for all the child's expenses I guess if they only give us $30,000. I would not have the money to pay for clothes, shoes, haircuts, etc. and just pay the necessary bills. Hopefully H would take pity on the kids or something and occasionally get them a haircut (he's also living with OW who makes $100,000 a year). Or if not that, moving to another state with public schools with special ed and better paying jobs so I could afford to pay all our bills? Well, we'll see I guess. Karen

I think I told you, my ex got mad at me and asked why I didn't get a better paying job and a second job!! First of all just got this job a little over a year ago and am making almost 10000 more than before(however now I get to pay my insurance and have more taken out in taxes) and getting a part time job won't make a whole lot of sense. S16 is trying to find one now, so guess who will be driving him? also that would leave S13 to make dinner for himself and the girls, help with their homework, do his homework and get the girls to bed. All before I would get home!! People having Affairs are plain crazy!!

kat

kat, your last line says it all!

OK this is the email I'm wanting to send H today. Do you think this is cool or need any changes? H emailed me my L gave him an estimate for putting in a new heater as $5600! So he emailed this and then this is my email I was thinking about sending. I'm going to leave time to cool off before I send it and wondered if any of you might have suggestions. I'm thinking you might--not my usual sweet, joky email!!!

H's email: 5,600! Theres no way. you guys can move to an appartment in tall i will stay in the house with the current heater if its too cold.

Here's my email which I haven't sent. I have to go get D8 at girl scouts and make dinner so I wouldn't send it until late tonight probably or tomorrow am:

I can check into electric heaters also. Those are supposed to be cheaper in cost and installation. One problem with moving is that eventually if/when we want to sell the house, you probably have to fix something like that anyway before selling it or a broken heater would turn off most people buying a house.

Also, If the kids and I move, we won't be moving to an apartment or Tallahassee though as that's way more expensive than my town and I love it here and the kids and I have our friends here. That might be an idea about you living in the house, if I have to rent then you living in the house if I don't have enough money. I do think one of us should live in the house for a while at least until the market is better because I think it would either not sell or at a loss with current low house prices (once you figure in closing costs and realtor commissions and stuff) like we need more debts!!! And I'm sure the kids would love you living in the same town!!!

My main goal is the kids and trying to keep as little change as possible as I've read you should do in divorce and as D8's psych recommended to us with autistic kids. So thus I'm trying to keep in the house and homeschooling and living in the same town, etc. Plus my town is way cheaper than Tallahassee of course.

Your lawyer emailed my lawyer apparently today asking about when I would be getting a job. Why does he waste time and your money doing that? You should tell him you are keeping an eye on that and I've been emailing you regularly about my job search, applications, interviews, etc. As you know I've applied to many jobs and doing my best. I guess he doesn't know me and/or you haven't told him about my frequent updates to you and/or maybe he's just a jerk???

When I was in the grocery store this afternoon, the lady from the Art Center called about the temporary job. She said it would probably last a few months (they don't know for sure the guy is in intensive care and then will need help after they said) and she asked me to call her about it. I called her back and got her voice mail, but hoping to get an interview and/or get the job tomorrow. Maybe if the girl is in Jacksonville for a while or whatever, she won't even want the job so it's in the back of my mind there's maybe a small chance it could become permanent but at the very least would be current job experience on my resume.

One problem I see is that every week I have mediation or divorce hearing or psych appt. for Jamie or the kids dr. appts. and other stuff. Hopefully she will be a little flex with hours, I feel awkward asking about that, but guess I have to. I think I have to attend stuff like the mediation and divorce hearing. And if we have to move that would require a lot of time and money to do that too!!!

If you and your lawyer are greatly concerned about my getting a part-time job fast enough, your schedule is less busy than mine probably less hours than ours now with homeschooling, daily activities, therapy, and am looking into the kids getting OT which would also take probably weekly or twice-weekly appts. for a few months(the therapist thinks S14 needs it and maybe D8) etc, you could also look into getting a part-time job yourself. As a lawyer with recent and current experience, think you should be able to get something and a lot faster than me with a huge gap on my resume, and better paying too!!! But I would never harass you about that or put my lawyer on that of course!!!

Smileys???? BIG NO, NO

kat