Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Anyone have an MLC'er Living At Home?

Perhaps I should change this posting from MLC over to SEX STARVED . We've gone from a decline in public displays of affection, to no physical affection with some intimacy, to no intimacy at all. Bummer.

Its difficult sleeping 2 feet away from someone who seems repulsed when you touch them. I'm just keeping to my side of the bed now and never initiating anything at all.

Thinking, in answer to the thread title - yes, my MLC H still lives at home. There is nothing easy about it. You never get a break from it, talk about living on the edge!!

Keep living your life and being who you are, or better yet be the person your H fell in love with. Act As If is good too, but don't overdo it and try to become something that is not authentic.

What makes you think your H is MLC?

MLC was a originally a term used by my C when I started going to her in Sept. If you read through the very amusing, "Midlife for Dummies", he pretty much is it to a tee. He's in his early 40's, he lost his Dad in August, I got the speech about him not caring about me, he took up with a female friend and started texting her constantly (although I lucked out there, she's gay), he basically went from being a caring husband to a rebellious teenager who was saying to me in no uncertain terms, "I'm not doing it your way anymore and I don't care what you think."

My comments about feeling repulsive to him earlier were just me having a pity party at the time. Although I do feel that way, I don't blame anyone for it. I mean, a person can't help feeling what they're feeling and if he doesn't feel that way towards me...then he doesn't. And I'll live with it until I don't want to anymore.

Had a kind of amusing incident happen over the holiday break. H and I took one of the kids to the movies, but D14 decided when we were in the line at the theater to see a different film. So H realizes at the last minute he has to sit next to me at the movie with no kid buffer in-between. His discomfort was kind of funny. You could tell that he was trying to be cool about it, but was doing everything possible not to touch me in any way.

My poor H got squirmy too when I asked if he wanted some of my apple slices with caramel dip. He said sure. I sat down right next to him! Gasp! He was so flabbergasted that he couldn't snack at the same time as me, but when I had eaten half I got up to move and he had such a weird look, like he thought I was upset, but I just smiled and went off to do something else. Then he relaxed and ate the rest of the snack. I definitely bumped his comfort zone!

When I add this to what you wrote on my thread it seems like your H sees you as controlling him and he is rebelling. How is his business? Are you the breadwinner? Are you the organized woman that 'brings home the bacon and fries it up in the pan'? Those aren't bad traits but it does make it hard to balance the support of a H who is derailed.

He is definitely the breadwinner, but I've always had the stable income. His business has the potential to make a lot more money than my income, but it is based on whether his clients pay him. I think I have been controlling in the past in order to get our bills paid, but since this started happening, I've dropped my OCD need to get everything paid all the time. I can't stand late fees! This isn't easy for me, but at least I'm not asking him about where his paycheck is all the time. I thought that we were partners in this, but maybe I was nagging him from time to time.

WCW, I saw something interesting that someone wrote on your thread that struck a cord with me. Something about how your H used avoidance to control/manipulate. I never thought about it that way, but I think my H does the same thing. His whole mode of operation is to ignore and avoid. I just thought it was his way of coping. You know, if I ignore her long enough she'll just go away. I've seen my H do it with his mom too. I never thought about him using it to manipulate me. What do you think about it from your perspective? You've lived with it a lot longer than I have.

My sitch is much the same, when H became self employed his income went way over my W2 income. He doesn't have too much trouble collecting, but he doesn't work the last 4 (mlc) years near as much as he used to so the income isn't there. Just recently he stated he was going to start something he had dropped and if he follows thru it will really help. His cc debt is tremendous but he has tried to keep it a secret from me, I snooped. He still won't admit it. I hate those late fees and finance charges! That's something I found out too late about, you know - the classic I never thought H would do something like that. duh. I won't even try to help him until he admits it and we can talk about it.

Yes my H does control by avoiding. He always has, I know that. The flip side is that there are things that cannot be avoided and I go ahead and get it done. He's gotten very irate and we've had big fights about it. I can still his words ringing - "you always have to rush in and save the day". Well, when the cow is in heat SOMEONE has to make sure the bull can get to her!!! Literally, he went off on me for bringing in a bull to breed the cows when they were ready. I was so hurt by his words because I was just doing what needed to be done. It took me a while to realize he was projecting his anger and his guilt onto me because he knew he should have done it.

I have learned there are things that really MUST be taken care of, and things that I think SHOULD be taken care of. Fine line and if I dwelled on all those things that I still wait for I can escalate right back to crazy.

How can you cope? before you 'rush in to save the day' think about the individual situation. Is there a deadline? What if it doesn't get done? What is the worst if you let it go? Will you survive if it waits until next week or next month?

I'm feeling a little down right now.

The XMAS holiday was so normal. H came with me to the parents' house and everything seemed so peaceful and "normal" (absent any affection of course). H left to go home 2 days ago, gave me a peck on the cheek and said he was sure he would be talking to me. No contact so far.

I've been having a great time here at my parents' house. The lack of stress of not having him around (no eggshells) has been really nice and I've had fun. But I miss him and I've been wondering what he's up to. I'm torn between the new me which says, "it doesn't matter what he's up to...don't think about it" and the old me which says, "I wonder if he's been hanging out with her?". Let's hope the new me wins out. The kids have called him and talked to him about random things.

We'll be going home on New Years Day. I wonder if he will be doing anything New Years Eve. I sure would like to come up with some plans for tomorrow night to get dressed up and go out.

No plans came up. I'm at my dads with my kids and my doggies. Nice quiet New Year's Eve.

Here's hoping that 2009 brings new opportunities and happiness for us all.

Today didn't get any better. I supposed that after almost a week of no contact, H might miss me and the kids a bit so I called him this morning to let him know that we were on the way home and did he want to meet us to have lunch.

He said that he would meet up with us later, he was out running around. Silly me I asked what? He said he was at an arcade. Strange. I didn't ask anymore questions, but my daughter called him and bless her heart she asked him questions!

-Where are you?
-Why?
-Who are you with?

Answers - At the arcade playing video games with EA. And he doesn't know when he'll be done. My kids are so sweet and think this is just fine.

I made my stops on the way home and he still wasn't here when we got home. Since the kids had a friend coming over, I said to heck with this, I'm not waiting around. So I changed clothes, redid my makeup, put on some perfume and called a girlfriend to go out.

I got about half way to her house (which is about an hour drive) and H called me. He was home now and sounded like he was in high spirits.

-Where are you? - On my way to girlfriends.
-What are you doing? - We're going out.
-Who with? - friends
-What friends? - I don't know...girlfriends friends.
-Well if you're going to cop an attitude, I'm not going to talk to you anymore. - I'm sorry if you think I have an attitude, but I got home, you weren't there, so I decided to go out for drinks with girlfriend and her friends. I don't know where we're going or when we'll be done. Was there something you wanted to do?
-Well, I thought that we'd take the kids out for dinner. - OK
-Well if you're not going to be home for dinner let me know so I can get a pizza. - OK
-Fine, have a good time.

So I didn't know what to do with this. I honestly think he's a lunatic. He's been with EA all week. Including New Years Day and seems like he's trying to put a guilt trip on me because I'm not home when he gets there. He doesn't share anything about what he's doing, or doing it with, with me, but then gets all passive aggressive because I'm not doing the same. I don't think I'm being rude or mean, I'm just not telling him my plans.

So at that point I'm left with a dilemma. Continue out with girlfriend or come back home and go out to dinner with family. I called girlfriend and compromised by making plans to go out with her tomorrow night and I turned the car around and came back home.

I'm so frustrated. I'm GAL, not sharing my plans with H, not chasing him. He's not sharing anything with me. We're both tense and frustrated.

And my poor sweet kids. On our drive home we were listening to one of those talk psychology show and a woman was on who was really in pain, her husband was cheating, they were getting a divorce... And my kid says, "Mom, I'm glad you picked the right guy."