Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Can't they chill and let me be free?

Hi Sugar,

Your H is conflicted. Which, if you want to keep your marriage, is a good thing...because he hasn't made a choice yet. You are in a tough spot. He has lied so much, that trusting him will be very difficult.

He is seeing a counselor...does that mean he committed himself to trying to repair the marriage?

Hope you and your family had lots of fun at Six Flags!

Regarding the sitch, I am so sorry you continue to go through this pain. It just isn't right, and I wish there was something I could do for you.

You know that as long as the triangle remains stable, nothing will change. As long as he has the both of you there at his beck and call, he isn't going to make any permanent decisions. Why should he? He's got the best of both worlds right now - a W on one side, a GF on the other.

I really think going dark is what needs to happen. PITCH BLACK. He's not missing anyone...but I am sure he tells you that he does.

(((((Corey)))))

I hope you had fun too!!! I agree with GF about going black. I'm also thinking that when you reconcile, which I have always thought you will at some point, that might help with you. Reduce some of your resentment and anger a little, if you just go black and try to stay away from the drama. ((((Corey)))) Karen

(((Corey)))
Hope you had a blast. Time for many of us here to have a little bit of enjoyment in our otherwise messed up days.

I am the worst at taking my own advice, but I think GF has something. Not only would going black perhaps end up with H missing you, it will (and for me this is KEY) help you to not damage whatever feelings and love you still have - I see these getting more dusty with almost every interaction with H. Hope that makes some sense.

Take care.

Exactly, and there's way too much interaction going on between the two of you. It's nearly impossible to detach and not get caught up in the drama when H can call you anytime knowing that you will answer. Knowing that you will be there.

I think he needs to see - not hear - that you are tired of this and you are not going to wait any longer. You are going to move on. You're not going to talk to him unless it has to do with the kids and ONLY THE KIDS. If the conversation begins to steer towards something other than that - i.e., he wants to talk about work, an accident, something about the Troll, the weather - NO. PUT A STOP TO IT. Tell him you are very busy (be totally vague) and have to go. If he starts to get upset, say, "I'm really sorry, H, but I really got to go. Have a good day, bye." Then HANG UP. If he tries calling or texting back, IGNORE IT and DO NOT respond even if he says something to piss you off.

I honestly believe you need to stop being his emotional support system. You continue to be TOO available to him. I know you've said before that you know what it's like to not have anyone, so I understand why this is so hard for you. It's hard for many of us, myself included. It took me the longest time to just finally say to myself, "*Sigh* F it. I can't do this anymore. I can't sit here and wait for something that MIGHT happen or MIGHT NOT. I am wasting away here." So I let go. Completely. I finally quit being there for my H. I was kind and friendly when we talked, but I never let the convo steer away from the kids, even when he wanted to talk about us. I would end it and walk away because I was through trying to believe the BS he kept giving me. I was tired of eating crumbs. At first, it used to make him mad that I would ignore him, but the more I did it, the more he REALIZED he was losing me, and it scared him. Just a few months later, he came to me wanting to reconcile and moved back in on MY terms.

As you know, it hasn't worked out for my sitch, and that is because my H came back far worse than he was when he first left. Your H is getting help whereas my H wasn't and isn't. That's a big positive you've got going for your sitch right there.

These cheeseless tunnels are getting you nowhere. Time for change. Time to do something different. A real 180.

(((((Corey)))))

Just wanted to add to the C's comment about the lack of QT together. IMO, time spent with you is something H should have to work for. It shouldn't just be handed to him on a silver platter. Look where it's gotten the two of you so far.

If you're not going to go dark, then you should think about accepting only some invitations. Not all. Make him work for it.

I've always wondered.....How do you think going dark will help a couple connect more? I don't get that part of this and that's probably why I'm having a very hard time going dark.

((((((Corey))))))

Dar.... on the going dark....
My take on it is that you go dark when the other half does'nt have any desire to connect as a couple. You can't force that connections to happen, in fact, trying to force it will just drive them away. By going dark you remove as much of the pressure from them that you can. They need to cook, they need to work through their own issues, whether they realize it or not. So, going dark helps to give them the space to do that, without feeling pressure from you. At the same time, it helps you to detach your emotions from their actions, so that you don't swing wildly (or ride the roller coaster) any more than necessary. Does that make sense? ((((((Dar))))))

Exactly.



I don't know how to answer that. It goes along with the lying. I know what he tells me, but that isn't necessarily the truth. If you were to go on what he "says", then his goal is to work through this and come home....



This all makes TOTAL sense to me. I can feel more and more of the feelings I have slipping away. The more things go on this way, the less I'm able to care (if you know what I mean.) As far as spending time together though or even the interactions...I don't go seeking him out, he comes to me. Thats whats so confusing to me. Why even call me, text me, etc... Why not just walk away? I'm not chasing, so make a clean break.

BTW...Six Flags was a total blast. My legs are sore and there was all kinds of spooky stuff, we LOVED it!!!!

I know you guys are right about the going dark (pitch black) and since this is all coming to a head here pretty quickly, something is bound to happen, one way or another.

(((Corey)))

Glad you had a blast. Seems like yesterday was a "FUN" day for a few of us.

Take care sweetie.