Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy What to do?

I'm just going by stories by former waywards that I've read over the years, and my experience has been, that even WHILE they are wayward and even fleeing pell-mell, that they often wonder why their betrayed spouses aren't fighting for them. They often report losing respect for them during this period, and -- since "respect" is very tied in with "love" to a woman -- they actually lose love.

Hell, I think you should do it just because it's "a", effective, and "b", the right thing to do. "c" -- that the wayward spouse can often find such "standing and fighting" behavior attractive -- is just gravy.

So, what ARE your boundaries, and how to you (not your lawyers) intend to communicate and enforce them?

Puppy

A long overdue update, and request for additional help, or just some support.

I contacted OM's Wife and exposed on 10/28. Next morning OM sent a good bye note to my W, his W gave him an ultimatum and he elected to work on his marriage. He and my W were spinning wheels for a couple of weeks trying to figure out how they were outed, and eventually it came out that it was me. STBXW was very pissed at me for "taking him away" from her.

November/december things calm down some, W goes through a mourning period of sorts. She does not attempt to find work again. We also look at the financial realities of the separation - it will be brutal, particularly for her.

In late December her mother comes for a visit (she knows nothing of this), and right before she shows up the STBXW says "maybe this is all a mistake." and "I can't do this". The next day she goes back to "I just don't have those feelings, and we need to D."

Her mother stays throughout the holidays and then leaves. I initiated two R talks during this period, inviting my W to explore what's going on between us and to work on repairing us. She says 'no' both times. I indicate to her that things will be different in the new year.

As of the first of the year I have consistently communicated that I'm done, and we need a separation ASAP. The legal and coaching team has gotten the message, and W has gotten the message. Incredibly she still does not dig in to a job search, and instead picks up a sport she is very passionate about and neglected in the past year, and she starts practicing for a big competition that will take place 2/20. We're talking about a 15 to 20 hr per week commitment.

Around 1/15 we meet with the lawyers and I layout a proposed, and somewhat generous separation of assets with a lumpsum support payment upfront. It would allow her to buy her condo (what she's wanted, if she had a job) and I request a move out date in 2 to 3 months. Will contend with keeping the house and DD5's private education. W starts saying that we can't separate without her having a job. I also clarify my offer, that I'm not picking up any more of her costs she is on the hook for that from this moment forward (legal bills, her portion of monthly living expenses, etc. -- all comes out of her pocket now). Still very little movement from W on finding a job and lots of focus on the competition that takes place next week in Vegas.

The legal process has begun to stall, and STBXW is trying to buy time. She is rightfully concerned that she can not get a job in this economy, and even if she does it will not be sufficient. I have steadfastly maintained that we need to separate, in a matter of weeks, not months. Needless to say she is scared of this and refuses to leave without a job.

This morning I left the house having decided to go dark, after another slap in the face delivered on Valentine's day. It was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I could tell something was up when I first woke up, DD5 was watching TV and STBXW had left very early in the morning. She was gone until 2:30pm, and there were several of the usual signs suggesting that she was out on a sexual-encounter / outing of the sort she has been having throughout the past year.

I took care of DD5. It was ironic that DD5 wanted to make Valentine decorations for the house, which we hung up, and then we watched a movie together, and STBXW joined half way through. DD5 put herself down early and STBXW and I were "alone" early in the evening. Out of the blue STBXW asked "How are you doing?" and I expressed my frustrations. I did not get angry, yell, or demean her. But I did say that "for me, this is not working - with you seeing other guys and living here. Be it real, or imagined, i just can't take it. And we need to separate."

We did some past relationship talk - she actually took some responsibility for some things she did (not express herself during the relationship, blame me for little things while she does the same types of mistakes, I wasn't like her college flame in both good and bad ways, etc.) and she clearly backed off of the "I never loved you" line. We also talked about the financial separation. She is now fearing the costs of the divorce so repeated her standby mantra from the past year "I've said from the start that we don't need any of these divorce lawyers, lets just figure it out between the two of us without these costly meetings."

At one point STBXW was very anxious that I may pull the plug on the collaborative divorce and go down a litigation path. She also said that she doesn't think she can get a job, and she doesn't believe that we can separate without her having a job (she some how convinced herself that this is almost a legal truism).

So here is the kicker -- after all of that... i asked her if she could understand the pain i am enduring having her live here while having trysts with other guys. She stated that she "broke up with "Tom" (my name for OM in my initial post), and is not talking with "Dick". But can not promise to not see other guys. She says that she simply can not deny herself right now, it is "hormonal." She went on to tell me that I should not go looking for this stuff because it will only hurt me. And... she kept trying to convince me to go out and date other women myself, and that she doesn't mind and would be happy for me. I guess i should respect the honesty, but this ludicrous exchange basically broadcasted to me three things - 1) that what I thought happened, did happen, and her friend "Harry" is in town from pheonix for valentines day. 2) she doesn't give two bits about how i feel, it is all me,me,me in her mind 3) she will use and abuse me in this way until I put a stop to it. The "use" part is her living off of the comfort i provide while I sink deeper into a debt hole to which she will not own up, the "abuse" part is her lack of common decency to move out while playing these high-school dating games.

In November I had figured out that she saw "Harry" last Feb, June, and possibly in November -- "Harry" is different from the OM at the beginning of the thread. He is a guy she knew from high-school, lives in a different state, and it's "just" sex and fun.

So I packed a small bag late last night, and left at 6:30am. DD5 was sleeping, but STBXW came down as I was opening the garage door. She tried to stop me, but I just repeated "I have to go now". She got upset because I previously told her that i would watch DD5 on Monday. I just shrugged (most likely she had plans with "Harry" for Monday, while I spend my day off from work taking care of DD5). She said "you can't leave without us having a plan" and I just said "of course I can." She said "what about DD5?" and I said "Tell her that daddy is on a business trip, he loves her very much, and will see her Wednesday for skiing." She left the garage, and I drove away.

My plan is to stay at the hotel until Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon I will drive by, exchange cars, and pick up DD5. We were already planning to go to Tahoe from Wednesday night through Sunday while STBXW is away at her competition. Wednesday afternoon STBXW is heading to vegas for the competition and her fun vacation - I think "Harry" may be there as well but there is no way to tell. She will return next Monday the 23rd and I plan to go back to the hotel after work. If all goes per plan then the next time I will see STBXW will be Thursday the 26th at the legal 4-way at lawyers. The topic will be the separation proposal, and an immediate move-out by her.

In the last conversation with stbxw last night I basically said "ok, you say we should just determine the separation and tell the lawyers what to do. I'm all for that, why don't we sit down tomorrow night and figure it out.?" She avoided answering and then finally said that it is "impossible" to discuss a settlement because she doesn't have a job. I said that people do this all the time, and realistically there is no difference between a scenario where she has a job right now, we separate with some agreement, but then she loses her job shortly after.

She did not see it this way, but I just asked again when could we talk. She finally said that she can't focus on this right now, and would like to get past her competition. I said 'ok'. But I pretty much got my answer on exactly why we need the discussion to happen with the lawyers present. For all of her bravado about "figuring this out ourselves" The reality is that she is clinging to this fantasy that we will delay separation indefinitely, and that in the meantime she can have her cake and eat it too.

I checked with my lawyer, and my leaving the house for a few days does not relinquish any legal claims or rights that I have. My actions will not be construed as a resolution proposal for the near or long-term, and it will not even be construed as the defacto interim living arrangement.

So there you have it. I suppose it is also a Plan B of sorts, in terms of separation and going dark. The past 3 months I've been very supportive of her and allowed her to pursue her dream with respect to this competition, it was a Plan-A of sorts. I am now switching gears and going dark, with a Plan-B type of separation. One thing I'm attempting to do is to bring the reality of the D home to roost... and while my STBXW elects to bury her head in the sand and ignore these realities, I expect that our next meeting (the 4-way at lawyers on the 26th) will remove all shadows of doubt. It is also my way to force myself to move on and bring an end to the limbo state we've been in for the past year. Co-habitating and appeasement clearly were not going to produce any DB results. I made changes, I avoided LoveBusters, and while there were prominant set backs every few months, I think I did well overall - especially in the past 3 months.

I'm conflicted on one front -- I'm taking the stance that if She wants out, then fine, but she is on her own. To follow through on this also means setting her off with her down payment on a condo, and watching her consume that to pay for rent in the next 18 months (i.e. she will never be able to buy a place if she can't find a well paying job within 4 to 5 months). It is an evaporation of an estate and nest-egg that my DD5 could use if we continue to live together until STBXW finds a job (a year in my estimation). It's a conflict of DB strategy and emotional well-being vs. watching out for soft-landing for STBXW and DD5.

Any thoughts or advice on any of this?

I think your current plans are excellent. It's normal to be concerned about your DD, but things will work out fine for her. I think if you do this: your W will find a job or other ways to pay for expenses and she needs to do that with the multiple cake-eating behavior she's been doing. Gee, she might have to cut down a little of her workout time and spend more time on working or whatever, have to worry about finances like most of us, and face the real world a bit. I think your W will probably try to play the guilt trip on you about DD, and you shouldn't let her do so. It's your W's actions that are causing her consequences, and she needs to face that and not blame or guilt you about that. I think you are doing 100% the right thing. You have DBed and now it's time for her to face reality and stop with all the cake.

I think your dd will in the long run benefit b/c having her mom act like that with no consequences, how can that be a good thing?

Karen