Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis God grant me the patience and the strength...8

your so right bm and your therapist is too.

I just got off the phone with H. Doing that exact same thing...banging on the rock...the rock says absolutely nothing. It doesn't move, it doesn't feel, nothing. I wish that it would just go away. Get out of my life and let me get on with mine.

The hardest part for me is H makeing it all my fault. Making me feel like I am such a pain in his ars. I have felt this way all of my life and I am so tired of it.

It wasn't my fault that my Mom got pregnant with me and had to marry my Dad. And then led a miserable life married to a drunk. It's not my fault that H life didn't go the way he planned. It's not my fault that he stepped out on me with OW the first time and had to live with that guilt all these years. It's not my fault that he made that mistake again and now his life is a mess. It's not my fault that leaving me didn't bring him happiness. It's not my fault that H's family wont' accept OW or that H can't bring himself to be with her in public. It's not my fault...and I'm so tired of feeling that it is...

Sorry BM, I think I hit a nerve and kind of had a revelation...

I pray that we can get to where we need to be to heal. I believe we will it's just not WHEN we want it.

Take care, TOH

Nope not your fault, not mine either. But it is what it is. I think when we finally stop blaming ourselves for their actions, we start to heal. They own their actions, we own ours. And as long as we are ok with how we live our lives, they could blow in the wind.

thanks BM, hang in there, praying for you and wishing you well

TOH

Thurs H came after taking a load of beans in. He came in all nicey nice. Asked me if I was in a better mood today. WTH?!?!?! I wanted to scream at him. But didn't, just shook my head. I had made stew for supper and it was on the stove. He asked if he could take some home. I said sure, and that I hoped he choked on it. He laughed. He didn't stay long and left for home. I sent him a text that said "I hate you..." later he texted me back and said "why is that?". I just said "it doesn't matter".

Friday H was here when I got home from work. He hung up a little while then went for home. Again he was in a good mood but sarcastic towards me. In a flirty sort of way, H's way. He worked. I stayed home by myself. Put in a movie and rested on the couch. Was in bed by 10. Pretty pathetic huh.

Saturday I worked in the house cleaning and catching up. Got my potatoes dug and readied the garden to be plowed. H and BIL showed up about 1. Went and hayed cows. My B and SIL and nephew came. We all just kind of hung out all day. Shot BB guns and messed around outside. H's nephews B-Day party in evening but told BIL I wasn't going to go. One of 2 things would happen. I would end up at H's and my feelings would get hurt again, or 2 I wouldn't go there and that would hurt too. So it was better to just stay away. I told BIL that it was time for TOH to do something different and that may mean to cut the ties. He said he understood but they would miss me there. H never said a word about the party. But him and BIL left to go. I stayed home. Later in the evening I sent him a text "I really do hate you..."

About 10pm. H calls. He had just left the party. He said he had thawed out a couple of ribeyes, if he brought them out would I cook them. I said I would. He asked (laughing) what the text was about, I said "like I said, it doesn't matter, it just is". He came, we ate, he laid on the couch. We talked like old times, and watched TV, he fell asleep, I went to bed.

Today he slept in as he has to work tonight. I made breakfast. He ate then back to the couch. I went to church never said where I was going, he didn't ask. I got home he was still here. BIL's showed up to practice shooting bows. We all went out. I even shot and hit the target. H was again very sarcastic and rude but trying to be funny. I just blew him off. Or threw it back.

All in all a good weekend. I missed the girls as they weren't here much. But we spend all week together, so we'll catch up. VB is over thank goodness so we'll get a break before BB. Hurray.

For me, I feel I've put the anger in check. I'm still feeling mad as h*ll but what can I do about it. Nothing. So I'm dealing with it. I have more of a "whatever" attitude with H. And it's really hard for me to be "chipper" with him right now. But I am pleasant, mostly. Today H really seemed ticked at the world. Like usual, like he's mad that he come here last night, but if that was it, then why stay today. ??? Who knows, whatever...He stayed for a bit after BIL's left. Kind of got the impression he was thinking of hanging out. But didn't he went home.

So, this man that acts like he hates me, was again here all weekend. He commented to D17 that I didn't go to the B-Day party. She told him yea, because he didn't ask me to go. He said he shouldn't have to ask. She told him, yea, she's not going to just go. He said nothing about it to me. And after the party he comes here. So once again I am shaking my head. I really don't get it. It just doesn't make any sense. If he really "feels" what he says, then why is he still here??? But yet, he still goes home????

TOH,

I don't get it, either. You guys are still doing so much together (bb guns, bow practice, general hanging out-- even though you passed on the b-day party) that doesn't involve working on the farm. Maybe you need to absent yourself from those social activities for a while? Just to see what happens.

I can't believe he's unfazed by your I-hate-yous.

Hang in there. Don't let him make you bitter.

Apologies in advance for bluntness.....







Ya sure about that?? And what ever happened to leaving him alone???

And...



So...you aren't good enough to be invited to the party (I know, I know, he said you shouldn't be invited, but whatever), but you are good enough for after the party? TOH will be there, she doesn't do anything, she'll cook these for me....get my drift?

What if...now go crazy here...you weren't home? Or you didn't answer your phone? You have to have friends, someone you can go out with that you ARE NOT related to? A friend that lives a couple hours away that you can go visit for the weekend? Something has to change TOH. Something.

I don't believe that you are keeping your anger in check.

H comes and goes as he darn well pleases, and you are fine with this? You take his scraps, the things he tosses your way and gobble them up. Does he ever ask how YOU are? How your life is? How things are going for you?



Except TOH, its NOT old times. H has chosen to leave you, to have an affair, to put himself first and you last. He let you get arrested and possibly go to prison and did nothing to help you. He does nothing to show that its old times, other than to walk all over you, use you when you are around, which you are AROUND all the time to be used.

Please. Think about what everyone tries to tell you.

Are you in any form of counseling? I just wish something would reach you, to show you that you deserve so much more than this. That NOTHING will change this way. You will not get your husband back this way.

And I know those "I hate you" texts weren't true, you were just kidding around with him. But do you so, you are reaching out to him, hoping he responds, trying to keep that connection, trying to be in his life. I know because I have done it in the past. Stop, please, stop.

I think it did phase him. He was around wasn't he? And he did ask but I wouldn't go into why? He's too damb blind to see so what's the point...



I have been down that road before, nothing seems to matter or make a change...



I feel that happening already. How can I not be? And how do I stop it. When your treated this way it makes you bitter.

I guess what I mean is it does me no good to tell him how angry I am. He doesn't "get" why. It does me no good to act on the anger, of course. So...I am letting it go.

In order to do that I have to admit I am angry and then figure out how to get through it.

I am a person that says what I think or feel. But things are different now. I am different. I still feel the need to tell him I'm mad as hell at him but doing so gets me no where, soo I sent him a one liner..."I hate you" and left it at that...Do you get what I mean? I don't know how to explain it. But I did it for one reason and one reason only. For ME. Not to get a reaction from him, not to play with him, not to stay connected. For ME to say I"M MAD AS HELL AT YOU!!! without any drama...


Got it loud and clear, long before your post. And I really thought to not answer my phone. But again that is game playing and I'm tired of the game. Let him play, I quit. And no I really don't have any friends that are not M with their own families or are not H's family.



I know lwb, but what?
These are the changes I've made recently...
*Going to church
*Helping more with farm work
*Not going to H's family get togethers
*Not going to H's house anymore
*Haven't slept or even suggested sleeping with H in a couple months
*I Don't call to just talk
*I don't initiate anything with him
*I'm not pretending with him anymore
I don't know what else to do...


Under the circumstances, yes, to the best of my abilities. Trust me. I am. But I am not made of wood and I have to let it out somehow. Hence "I really hate you"...


NO ABSOLUTELY NOT! It hurts like hell. But I've told him this. And recently. And yet he still does. He still pays bills here, what else can I do? And I still WANT him to WANT to come here.


Never. And I have told him this as well. He'll say he is just trying to get along. That he just wants to be friends. Recently I told him "BS you don't treat friends this way, have you ever asked my how my day was, or how I am? BS! That is not "being friends. That is just you doing what works for YOU"


Trust me lwb, you don't have to tell me that, I am well aware. That was just a figure of speach, meaning we talked, we laughed, it was like the "old norm".


I was in C from May thru September. H lost his insurance when he changed jobs so I am not going now. I don't feel she really helped me anyway. She didn't do any more for me than this board or talking to friends.



I can't win for losing lwb. I tried it my way and I failed. Now I am doing what they say here on the board, and your telling me that is wrong to. I honestly am so lost and confused. I am concentrating everyday on how to make MY life and my girl's lives better. Each and everyday I do what makes Me happy or keeps ME doing okay. Without H. Because the rest of it I just can't get right.

I am so damb tired of being treated so cruely. I am so tired of being hurt. I am tired of being disrespected in every sense of the word. I am tired of unconditionally loving a man that doesn't show one ounce of love or concern for me, my feelings, or my well being. I am sick and tired of competeing with a pathetic woman that can't hold a candle to me. I'm tired of the lies, the sneaking around, the rudeness, the selfishness,

BUT. I still love THM! The man that I know is still in there somewhere. I do not want a D. He knows me. He knows how I feel. He knows that I won't file. He has me over a barrel and I don't have a clue anymore what to do about it...

I am glad you aren't mad at me. I have been there, I am still hurting, every single day. I just want to help you avoid some of the pain.

You HAVE changed a lot of what you do. But you are still clinging to the important things, and NOT changing them.

1. NO initiating any R talks, and yes, my friend, "I hate you" is doing that. Next time, write a letter to him, keep it, do not give it to him. He isn't dense. He knows you are hurt and angry. You reminding him you are hurt and angry will not help. He will avoid you, or be nasty.

2. Find friends. Take your daughters out. Go to a movie. Go on a walk. Do anything. Here's the key. This is not game playing. Those are things FOR YOU. Get out, enjoy your life. First fake it (force yourself to get out, heck, I cried through the first movie I saw by myself), then you will do better every single time. You have to remember something: WHO CARES what he thinks, or what he notices. This isn't for him. You getting out isn't moving on from him, its doing something for you.

I wish I could help you more, but really. There is only so much anyone can say. YOU have to process this, and get to the next level (filing, setting boundaries so H doesn't come in and out of your house, whatever works for you). Only you can get there.